Black
by Zosie aka Kizmet The Khaleesi
Summary: Edward Cullen, rock star. Bella Swan, manager. Where did it all begin? How did the band get together? Where's it heading now? A/H E/B eventually. Lemons no doubt.Adults only please.Edgy and not suitable for all readers, its a little darker than my usual.
1. Chapter 1

Black

Chapter 1

New Boy In Town

BPOV

"Bella."

I turned and faced the source of the husky voice addressing me.

"What?"

I may have sounded a little too harsh but sitting outside the stage door, in the freaking cold and dirt, was not my idea of fun. This was not what I signed on for three years ago when I became the manager of the newest emo band or whatever they liked to call themselves, particularly lead singer, Edward Cullen.

I had imagined a life of luxury, sitting in 5 star hotels, not sitting on the edge of the dusty road, looking at our bikes lined up ready to whisk us away when the show ended.

Of course, Mr Bloody Cullen had his limo and chauffeur waiting for him. Nothing but the best for the star who kept us all employed.

"Do you have any new bookings for next year?" asked Aro,

Always so bloody anxious to tie us all up for ever and a day.

"We have bookings right up until November and you know his royal bloody highness will demand Christmas off, again. He never works in the second half of December or the first 2 weeks of January, so, yeah, next year is pretty much fully booked."

Aro scowled at my attitude, but what did I care? He can't sack me, only Edward can do that and he wouldn't dare. He knows which side his bread is buttered.

A stage hand opened the door and seeing us all, dressed in all black other than the occasional red bandana tied around a shaved head or hanging out of a pocket, ready to wipe up the alcohol spilling down from an unsteady hand holding the bottle, jumps back and decides he doesn't need to come out here after all..

We were a colorful lot, just not many colors were involved.

Intermission would be over soon and we would all spring back into our roles, making sure the second half of the show went as planned.

I shook my head at Mike's offer of a smoke, his roll your owns were really good, and relaxing, but I need my brain cells functioning for my job, and his special ingredients pretty well guarantee that won't happen.

I stood and smacked the dirt off my black denim clad ass and opened the door and walked back towards where the band were just seating themselves, ready to blast the eardrums of the chanting audience.

Jasper looked a little high but he was only the drummer, he could carry it off in is sleep. Luckily.

Emmett was leaning a little to one side. I approached and copped enough fumes from his breath to keep me drunk for a week.

"You right there, Em?"

"Sure, just tired." he assured me.

Right.

Tired.

His arm was probably tired, tired of bending at the elbow as he swallowed down a small towns ration of rum.

Jake grins at me and I smile in return. He knows better than to drink or get high before a performance. He is so dependable. He picks up his new guitar and starts making it sing. The crowd roar in anticipation, and he walks to the front of the stage, in front of the heavy red curtain that hides the band from the audience, and starts playing a complicated guitar solo, mesmerizing the crowd and keeping them happy until Edward decides to show himself so the show can go on. Thank God for Jake.

Ah, here's the man himself. Finally. No prizes for guessing what he has been doing. At least he has put his pants back on.

Edward shook off his make up girl, Jess, as she tried to touch up the blackness around his eyes and on his lips.

Bloody emos.

Think they look so fucking hot and tough and sexy. Some of them just make me want to laugh.

My own make up is dark enough but I always brighten it up a little with a dark burgundy lipstick so it's not all blackness.

"Fuck off, Jess." growls Edward, pushing her away as he takes his last drag.

I walk over and snatch the joint from his hand.

"Shit, Edward, can you keep your head together until the show is over, please."

"I know every fucking word and every fucking riff, chill out, Swan."

He is such a peach.

He is dressed in all black, it goes without saying, but his fuckbuddy Lauren has come up to him and is trying to tie a red bandana around his head.

I hold my breath, she must know by now, never touch his fucking hair.

He slaps her away with a backhander and she falls to the stage floor. She is being overdramatic but he still has no need to slap her like that.

Jess helps her up and leads her off, crying noisily.

"Fuck you, Edward. You can't treat her like that, you bastard." I say quietly, so my voice won't carry to the audience.

"Get rid of her then and find me something better to fuck tonight" he answers,

I am so sick of this son of a bitch. I should just cut my losses and walk.

x x x x x x x x

Back in high school, Edward was the totally gorgeous but dark, depressed boy everyone avoided. He would always sit alone, as far from the others as he could. All the girls all adored him and hoped he would notice them as they flounced about in the yard. He made no sign of seeing them but I had heard stories he wasn't as alone as he pretended, out of school.

When Jasper Whitlock started at the school, I saw he would be the one to break through Edward's wall of solitary aloneness. They were pretty much two of a kind, Jasper started on a Monday, in the second term. He walked in with his foster mother, Mrs Meredith Stanley,widow, clucking about like some demented hen, brushing down his clothes and telling him how to behave and how too impress the Head.

Jasper looked strangely out of place with his thick blond hair neatly brushed to one side of his head. He wore a pair of thickly framed glasses and was dressed in a white button down shirt and a ridiculous yellow cardigan. Only his jeans hinted at some thing different.

"And I do wish you had worn those nice dress pants I bought you.." whined on Jess's mom. She always wanted a large family and had tried to compensate for only producing the one chicken, Jessica, by providing a home for every waif and stray in the region.

Few could stand her fussy ways and her rules.

She alone caused the runaway rate to treble in the state of Washington, her rules and her habit of squeezing into dresses made for teens and maybe hookers. She had a very strange self image, that woman. I swear she thought she was frozen in time when she was seventeen, and she never bothered updating her look as she aged. It was creepy and scary. She spoke in an annoying baby voice that only real seventeen year old incredibly pretty girls could pull off. She couldn't.

I had been called to the Headmaster's office and I stood waiting outside until the door opened.

"Bella Swan, take this new student, Jasper Whitlock, and show him where his first class is to be held. I have had him put in all your classes so you can look after him."

"Thank you sir" Jasper drawled in a heavy Texan accent, shaking hands with the Headmaster.

He turned and winked at me and I blushed and showed him the way to Biology.

I just couldn't work out what was going on with him. He looked almost right, to be the academic student who would fit right in and cause no trouble but it seemed like a facade.

Mr Banner blinked at Jasper and adjusted his own glasses.

"Um, sit with Bella at her table."

"My table is full, Mr Banner." I reminded him.

He looked around the lab, with an expression of surprise on his face, like he hadn't realized there was more to the room than his desk and whiteboards.

"Cullen. You two sit with Cullen. He has plenty of room at his table."

I sighed.

The reason Cullen had plenty of room at his table was because nobody wanted to sit near him. He was quite gorgeous but his darkness radiated out and warned you to stay away and leave him alone. His emerald green eyes were often filled with rage and hostility and they certainly were now, as I pulled out a chair and sat between him and Jasper, wanting to spare the new kid from copping too much of Cullen's inevitable wrath, on his first day.

Senior year was turning out to be so much fun.

After class, I took Jasper to the lunchroom and introduced him to my friends, Jess,who he already knew obviously, Lauren, Alice, Rose and Emmett, brother of the sulky man himself. Edward never sat with us or anyone else but I don't think he ate lunch anyway. Whenever I saw him, he was smoking away like his life depended on it,back against a tree, but I never saw him eat anything. He did have a flask so I suppose whatever alcohol he hid inside was high enough in calories to keep him alive.

Jasper quietly took us all in with his bright, ice blue eyes and rarely spoke. After the final class of the day, I walked with him to the parking lot and he asked me the first question to cross his lips all day.

"Where can I get some hair dye and make up in this pissy little hole of a town?"

I jumped back in shock. So much for the glasses and the cardigan. He was currently removing both and he dropped them into a trash bin as he walked to his car.

"Um, that would be the pharmacy in the main street" I replied, hoping he would invite me along.

"Do you want me to show you?" I offered when he continued climbing into his car.

"Yeah, whatever" he said and I abandoned my rusty red truck in favor of the passenger seat of his sleek black sportscar.

"Nice car" I commented as he drove us along at a speed that must have been well over the speed limit.

"Um, my dad is the local police chief and I will be in deep shit if you get stopped for speeding with me in your car."

He laughed but he slowed down a little.

"The cop's daughter. How perfect."

"So, where you from, Jasper?"I asked, hoping to make him like me and not hold my Dad's profession against me. It had been so long since we got any new blood in this tiny town, I wanted to be the first to check him out.

"Texas. I thought that was obvious." he answered.

I indicated where he should park and scampered along behind him as he entered the store.

His legs were so long, he took one step to my three.

He was grabbing boxes of black hair dye from the shelves and he settled on one brand he liked and handed four boxes of it to me, then he approached the make up section and started grabbing kohl pencils, and mascara and eye liner and the one solitary bottle of black nail polish.

I cringed, they only carry that color for Edward Cullen and he will be so pissed when he comes in and finds they have sold his bottle.

The girl at the counter blanched when she saw Jasper place Edward's nail varnish down. I knew what she was thinking.

"You might want to get a larger supply in now" I hastily advised her and she nodded at me.

She rang up his purchases and he handed her a platinum card.

I hid my astonishment. It was not Mrs Stanley's card, that was for sure.

"Daddy's" explained Jasper. "Conscious money."

I guess that also explained the car.

"Want to help me dye my hair?" he asked, as he sped back towards the school.

"Sure. We can do it at my house, Charlie is on late shift."

"Cool" he answered and I told him where to turn, and he pulled in and parked in Charlie's driveway.

"Mom home?" he wondered as I led him to the front door.

"Divorced" I answered, using his method of using as few words as possible.

I led him to the one and only bathroom, upstairs and he removed his white shirt, revealing an unexpectedly buff chest , back and arms. The boy was built. Not obviously large like Emmett but firm and muscular and was fitter than any of the other students at school. I wanted to run my hands over his torso but I resisted. I did lick my lips, though. This bathroom had never held a hunk like this in it before,.

I pulled on a pair of rubber gloves and mixed the two containers so the chemicals started to darken as they reacted against each other. Jasper sat on the edge of the bath and I threw an old towel around his shoulders. Charlie won't notice one less threadbare towel seeing I do all the washing and folding.

I quickly and thoroughly coated every hair on his head and set the kitchen timer.

"Your turn" he said.

"What?"

"Come on, I can't be the only student here with dyed hair. Let me make you one of us, on the dark side."

I touched my boring brown hair. Dare I take him up on his offer? What the hell, Charlie probably won't even notice.

I threw my shirt off and sat where Jasper had before, and he pulled a towel around my shoulders and copied what I had done to him. Half an hour later, he handed me the third box.

"Shit, Swan, you have a lot of hair. Lucky I bought four boxes."

So, he had planned this all along. His hair had only taken the one box.

I mixed the chemicals and handed him the applicator bottle and took the empty one and tossed it into the bath where the first two lay already. He had done the top of my head, all the roots and now he just had to coat the length. He worked quickly and by the time I was done, the bell had sounded to indicate his was ready to be rinsed off. He pulled his jeans off and his boxers, and stood under our shower.

I bit my lip. I have never seen a man naked before and I couldn't bring myself to look away as he closed his eyes and ran his fingers back and forth through his newly darkened locks.

I took advantage of his closed eyes and checked his entire body out, especially his...package?

And a very nice package it was, too.

"Like what you see? " he asked, causing me to blush enough to be mistaken for a tomato.

"Um, sorry" I muttered, stepping back and gathering up our mess of boxes and reaching out a hand as he handed me the bottles from the bath.

I tried to avert my eyes, but it was a view I had wanted to see for the last year or so, and having never had a boyfriend, I had never had any opportunity to be this close to a man's..lunchbox.

It seemed a well packed lunchbox, too.

"Do you want me to fuck you?" he asked in a casual tone.

"I, ah, I , um, haven't, don't" I spluttered.

"A virgin? In Senior Year? Fucking awesome." he answered, catching on to what I was unable to say immediately. "Let me know when you want to cash your v card in, I will be happy to oblige. Towel?"

I handed him another red towel and he wrapped it around his hair, and dried himself with the dark blue towel I handed him next.

He was completely unselfconscious of his nakedness.

He looked at the time.

"You are done now."

He reached to help me remove my jeans and I stood there and let him. I was determined to appear as nonchalant as he was, and I unhooked my bra and turned away a little self consciously. Well, I can try and fake casualness.

I stepped under the water and rinsed the extra blackness and watched it swirl down the drain and I rubbed my fingers through as he had done, waiting until the water ran clear.

Jasper handed me a towel and I turbaned my long tresses up and then accepted the next towel and dried my body.

I heard a knock at the front door and froze.

Shit. I hope this isn't anyone who knows where the spare key is..

The door squeaked open and my best friend Jacob flew up the stairs. His jaw dropped open as he saw us standing there, Jasper with just a towel around his waist as he dried his hair with the other one.

"Um, Jake, Jacob Black, this is Jasper Whitlock, he is new in town" I hurriedly explained.

"I see you gave him the full welcome wagon package deal" snarled Jake.

"We were dyeing our hair, actually," I said, dropping my towel and walking to my room, determined to shock the living daylights out of Jake. I had tried on many occasions to get Jacob to date me but he always had an excuse. We were friends, and he didn't want to risk losing me if we broke up. I was too young. I was acting in haste.

Haste? I had known him all his life. It I had handed my virginity to Jasper today, it would have been Jake's own fault.

I opened my drawers and pulled out clean underwear and slid into them as Jake's eyes looked me over hungrily. Yeah, Black, you could have been enjoying this body long ago if you wanted. Well, too late now. I grabbed a top that didn't require a bra and pulled on some clean jeans then stalked out past him. Jasper was redressed and sitting at the kitchen table. His hair looked wicked. It suited him and his blue eyes popped against the blackness.

"I love it" I said, touching his hair as it hung in his face, drying.

"Show me yours" he said in a husky voice and I wished I had stayed in just the towel, not to mention had thought to deadlock the front door.

I dropped my hair down out of its wrappings and it hung in loose waves to my waist, shining and black.

"Cool" pronounced Jasper. "I love it."

Jake stood at the doorway, watching us warily.

"Coffee?" I asked them both and made us three cups of the precious brew.

We sat and looked at each other looking at each other.

"You moved here permanently?" Jake asked Jasper.

"Until the day I turn eighteen, then I am gone" promised Jasper, more to himself than to us.

"Where are you living?"

"With the frustrating Stanley women" he answered.

"Jess and her mother?" laughed Jacob.

"Yeah, can't live with 'em, can't kill them" answered Jasper.

"You can fuck them" suggested Jake as I stepped into the other room to lock the front door again. I don't want anyone else to barge in.

"Mother or daughter?" asked Jasper.

"Both. Old lady Stanley, or 'call me Meredith',is quite the cougar. She likes herself some young cubs. And Jess isn't a bad fuck, but most of us prefer her doing a blowjob seeing it forces her to shut the fuck up for five minutes, and believe me, fucking her does not stop her talking. She needs something shoved in her mouth to achieve that."

I wondered if Jake imagined because he couldn't see me, that I couldn't hear him.

"What's with you and Bella?" asked Jasper quietly.

"Just friends. She is my best friend. Known each other since we were kids" Jake answered.

"And you haven't fucked her?"

"No, she is not that type of girl, Bella is special. Not the type you fuck and leave. She deserves better." answered my best friend equally quietly. "Please don't use her."

"No intention of it. I was just surprised to meet a virgin in Senior Year" answered Jasper.

I walked back in the room crossly.

"I am not the only virgin in Senior Year" I shouted.

"We don't count the computer geeks" Jake retorted."They wouldn't know where to stick their hard drives...or more like, floppy disks."

Jasper high fived him and I tapped my foot on the floor impatiently.

"Angela Webber is a virgin" I stated, sure of my facts.

"Sorry, Bells. Ben's party... I don't think she knew what to buy him for his birthday gift so she gave him herself.."

I blushed and cursed inwardly that she had not told me. She had been weird around me lately, come to think of it.

"Um, Alice Brandon."

"Okay, you got me there. Alice is one cute little virgin but she is waiting for Mr Right."

I wracked my brains. There must be more of us.

"Don't even suggest Rosalie Hale" warned Jake.

I hadn't intended to, I think we have all seen Rose and Emmett slip into school after first bell, looked a little too rumpled and pleased with themselves.

I paced the floor, thinking, coming up empty handed.

Shit, was I last of a dying breed?. Maybe I should let Jasper help me out.

The guys soon left and I prepared spaghetti for dinner, ate alone and put dad's serving into the warming oven. Homework waits for no man, or woman, so I washed my dishes and made my way upstairs to get mine out of the way. Bloody algebra. Made no sense and I can never imagine needing it once I leave school, but I do the assignment and hope it's close enough to right to get me a pass.

A couple of hours passed then the sound of knocking at the front door draws me downstairs.

Jasper and Jake are back, and are both a little drunk.

"We bought gifts" announced Jasper, as they both held their hands high above their heads, bags from several women's clothing shops hanging from their fingers.

"What have you done?" I asked, worriedly.

"Present for you. You hang around with me, you need to dress a little...sharper. Edgier. No offence."

Jasper tossed the contents of his various bags onto the kitchen table. Black, skinny legged jeans. Black tops. A black leather jacket. Various vintage band tshirts.

Jake opened his two bags and and a box , and poured make up onto the table.

"Where did you get this stuff?' I asked, handling the black nail polish, eyeliner, eyelash curlers, and several dark red shades of lipstick.

"Port Angeles. I hate black lipstick" said Jasper. "You need a hint of color, and femininity if you wear all black."

"Why would I wear all black?" I asked.

"Because it's cool, Bella and so are you" Jasper replied, putting his arm around my shoulders and kissing my cheek.

"Hands off" warned Jake and Jasper backed away, hands in the air.

"Sorry man. Don't touch the Bella. She is special" he repeated Jake's words from earlier.

I opened the box and pulled out a pair of black Doc Martens.

"Jasper, I cannot let you buy me all this stuff. It's expensive."

"Bella, Daddy insists. I have to use his card to salve his troubled conscious. You are helping me help him. Now, those boots, this pair of jeans, or this pair, equally suitable..not that pair though. This top or a vintage T,the Harley one with the rose is hot, and the jacket is a definate. Every day you are to wear the jacket. Understand?"

"Charlie will be home soon so you two help me hide this stuff in my closet then get outa here" I ordered.

I know I should make Jasper take it all back and get refunds but I don't want to. And I tell myself, it would be rude to.

After everything is hidden, I walk the guys to the door and bid them goodnight.

"I will pick you up for school tomorrow morning" promises Jasper.

"I have my own truck' I answer, waving a hand to where my truck should be. Damn. It's still at the school.

"Tomorrow" laughs Jasper. Jake climbs onto his black bike and starts the engine.

"Bye, Bells."

"Bye Jake." I call and stumble back inside.

Minutes later Charlie pulls up and walks in the door.

"Was that Jake?"

"Yeah" I answer.

"You had your hair cut?" Charlie asks.

"Yes, dad, I had my hair cut" I sigh and heat up Charlie's meal, then walk upstairs.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N I dont own Twilight.**

Black

Chapter 2

Acceptance, Of A Sort.

BPOV

The crowd was still calling for more but Edward had left the stage and was making his way rapidly back to his dressingroom. No encore's tonight, then. The other guys were still grabbing their bottles of water and kidding around. Jake could always be counted on to sing the lead, although Edward always did it .Jake was just as good a singer and the crowd loved him to so I nodded at him from the side and he smirked and approached Edward's microphone.

"It seems our lead singer had to rush away so how about I give you my new song?" asked Jake and the crowd roared it's approval.

Jake started singing as he played the lead guitar as well and the audience were lost, he had them all in the palm of his hand. This wasn't the first time Edward had pulled this trick and it won't be the last but he had better be careful because it is starting to occur to others and not just me, that Jake could take over his role in the band and do us no damage, in fact, Jake was a lot easier to work with than Edward and he made no ridiculous demands.

I opened Edward's door and he sat in front of the mirror, wiping the makeup remover off his face impatiently.

"I am getting too old for this shit" he growled at me as I walked in.

"Yeah, just as well. Jake's out there singing his new song and the crowd love it. Stop pushing, Edward, Black could go ahead without you as the lead singer."

"Bull shit, Swan. The fans love me. They will never follow the band if I go."

"Do you really want to push it and find out?" I asked.

It has not been easy, not for one single day, managing this man and his band. My job seems to be, pulling Emmett out of pubs and clubs so he will appear on stage each concert. Making sure Jaz is actually coherent and not completely high on his special cigarettes. Making sure Edward has put his pants on after he fucks some random girl, before he walks on stage himself. We all agreed he needed a fuckbuddy as the constant stream of girls was getting too much to handle, not to mention making sure they were of age. Edward never cared, a fuck was a fuck. I had hired Sam, a bouncer, to just check id's when Edward pulled some girl back to his room and all Sam had to do to keep his salary was, make sure no girl under 18 got past him and into Edward's room.

I stacked his dressing room with boxes of condoms and just prayed he used them. They certainly disappeared fast so he was either using them or eating them.

"Lord, please do not let any of these girls end up pregnant" was our daily prayer.

"Got me a new girl yet?" he demanded.

Edward was getting out of control. Lauren had been perfectly acceptable for him at first and he had limited himself to just fucking her, with the odd stray girl for variety, but it had cut the flow of traffic way down for a while there.

Now he was demanding I act as his pimp and get him another buddy.

"No. Here's an idea, how about you keep it in your pants for a while?"

He stood and approached me and grabbed my waist as he walked past.

"How about I keep it in your pants for a while?" he suggested, grinding himself into my backside crudely.

"Fuck off, Cullen" I replied and slapped him. That is one thing I know will never happen again.

"Come on, you know you wanna fuck me again. All the ladies want to fuck me..."

"No 'lady' wants to touch you, believe me. Only the slappers chase after you, Edward. You mean as little to them as they do to you."

"Bullshit. If you fucked me, I wouldn't need anyone else" he snarked.

"No thanks, I prefer to keep your diseases away from my pussy" I snarked back. "Speaking of diseases, have you been tested this month?"

I swear, it's like having a 13 year old son to chase around and check up on.

"Free and clear" he boasted, tossing his medical report at me.

"For how much longer, I wonder?" I sighed.

I stood and opened his door as someone knocked frantically.

A willowy blond stood at the door.

"Edward invited me back."

I raised an eyebrow at Sam.

"Twenty two, checked her already." he answered my unasked question.

I turned to leave as Edward started stripping off his new toy.

"Condoms, Edward" I warned and pulled the door shut before my eyes saw something they didn't want to see.

The guys had left the stage and were walking to their rooms, joking between themselves.

"Edward in?" asked Jasper, pausing at his door.

"In some blond, catch him later" I advised and turned to find Jake smiling as he waited for me to notice him.

"Jake, you saved the day again, thanks" I said as he threw his ridiculously muscular arms around me and kissed my lips sweetly.

"What's my reward?' he purred.

"Probably to be new lead singer if he in there doesn't straighten up" I answered.

"I was thinking of something more immediate and personal" he replied, nuzzling my neck.

Jake and I have been an item on and off for the last two and a half years. I don't know what the exact problem is. He is the nicest man I ever dated, and he saved me from the hell that my life had become. We worked well together, we were in love, in a manner of speaking, and we got on well. Our families loved us being together and were always demanding we legalize things, but something was off. I have no idea what, I cannot put my finger on what holds me back from committing to Jake like he wants me to.

He changed his ways from our first date and blew off his old girlfriends, or whatever you call them, casual acquaintances, and devoted himself to being whatever I wanted and needed. It was hard for him because I don't even know the answer to that myself. I know I want more than he can give me. I want a man I can't live without, not a man I know I can tolerate living with, thus we live apart though the sleepovers kind of defeat any purpose separate houses provide.

We spend so much time on the road, we share a room in most hotels and such. It's just easier.

But I still know my Mr Right is out there somewhere.

I envy Alice and Rose so much. They both found their life partners in High School. Not me.

I fancied a few of the senior boys and dated a bit but my aim back then was to rid myself of my 'problem virgin status' and move on, and I did. I managed to be cured before we graduated..

Cashing my v card had only led to heartache and agony like I never want to experience again.

Jake and I headed for our hotel and I climbed on his bike behind him. The hotel was just down the road and we pulled in at the front and Jake handed his bike over to the valet.

We ran inside, holding hands and still buzzed from tonight's performance. I seriously need to think about demoting Edward and giving Jake the lead spot. One last chance. He had better stay for encores tomorrow night or I switch them around.

I will put it to the rest of the band and Aro tomorrow. I have no doubt they will all back me, they are all getting seriously sick of Edward's behaviour on and off the stage.

After showering and dressing up, we wander down to the dining room and sit at the bar while we wait for our table to be ready. Jasper and Alice are kissing like they have been apart for a year, not an evening. Rose is telling Emmett he had better not order a single drink tonight or he is sleeping on the couch.

Emmett gets out of control if Rose is not on tour with us, now and then she refuses to come and I have a second infant to babysit, along with infant number one, Edward. I like it way more when Rose comes too, and halves my load. She can keep Emmett sober a lot easier than I can as she can offer incentives I don't. And she is way bossier and bitchier than I am. Lucky her.

Alice is no help with Jasper and his using. He is only a smoker, he doesn't do anything harder than that now, but she makes no demands that he stops or even cuts down. I feel a little nervous he will get out of hand too and I could not cope with a third infant.

We are seated and ordering from the menu when Edward marches in, dragging New Girl by her hand and sits at the two vacant chairs. We always get a table with room for him too, in case he bothers to show up.

"So, who is your new friend, Edward?" asks Alice, trying to be nice.

"Tina, this is Alice, Jasper, Rose, Emmett, Swan and Black."

"Black" Tina titters. "Is the band named after you?"

"No, it's a coincidence. Bella dressed us all in black and we became known as the black band, thus Black" Jake explained.

"Could work out pretty fitting though" said Rose, glaring at Edward.

"Jacob could not fill my shoes" insists Edward, lazily putting an arm around Tina and grazing his fingertips on her breast.

"So, Tina, what do you do?"(apart from fucking rock stars, I am tempted to add.)

"Tanya" she answers.

"Tanya?" I question.

"My name is Tanya, not Tina." she clarifies."I am a dancer."

Wow. Dancer covers so many things.

"Where do you dance? Royal Ballet Corps?" asks Rose with a smirk.

"Huh? Never heard of that club. No, I do lapdances at a gentleman's club"

"And what gentlemen they must be" purrs Rose, in full speed now."How does that pay?"

"Depends if you go into the private rooms at the back with your clients, then I earn as much as $200 a night" Tanya says excitedly.

"Must be a wonderful club for you to earn a whole two hundred a night. Have you tried waiting on a street corner instead? No overheads" suggests Rose.

"Oh, nobody pays you to dance on the street. You mean, like a busker?" replies Tanya.

"Yes, a busker..that's what I thought you were at first" Rose says in a deceptively friendly tone, fooling Tanya completely.

Edward is sitting back, laughing quietly at the exchange.

"I think you have a Mensa candidate here tonight, Edward" says Rose.

"It's not her brain I am interested in" answers Edward.

"No doubt it's her three much used orifices" Rose counters back.

"Oh, I don't work in an office, though I did jump out of a cake once at a Christmas party" pipes up Tanya."I got lots of tips that night but I don't like it when I have to fuck a whole crowd."

"Funny, Edward does" said Rose, putting a puzzled look on her face."I wonder just what you two have in common then?"

"Oh, Edward and I like a lot of the same things" Tanya assures Rose.

"Really, tell us more" Rose purrs.

"Well, you know that thing when you both.."

"Tanya, talking time is over. We are about to have dinner" says Edward, getting pissed at Rose.

"When you both...?" asks Rose.

"Okay Rose, enough" warns Edward.

"You want to skip dinner?" Jake whispers in my ear."We could order room service."

"Good idea" I answer.

"We're going to eat in our room" Jake announces to the others, tossing a handful of notes on the center of the table.

Edward glares darkly as we stand .

"Enjoy eating Bella" says Emmett with a grin."Oh, I mean, enjoy eating dinner, Bella."

We walk to the elevator and are sitting in the huge comfortable bed, trays of lobster bisque and caramelized onions and potatoes on our laps as we watch some mindless television comedy show. It's not nearly as entertaining as the dinner table talk had been.

x x x x x x x x x x

Jasper collected me for school, having jumped out of his car without bothering to open his door at all.

"Spin" he ordered, mimicking the action in the air with his finger.

I spun around so he could inspect me from every angle. I have on the tight black skinny jeans, the Harley Tshirt under the black leather jacket, and the Docs, all as ordered.

"Nice, Swan" he says in approval.

My hair looks awesome today now it's had a whole night to settle. My pillowslip was a little black this morning but it's worth it.

Charlie raised his eyebrows when I walked into the kitchen but he didn't comment. I guess he thinks I owned these clothes all along. He has no idea of fashion or what anything costs, Thank God. No doubt he assumes the jacket is a cheap, vinyl knock off.

As I fasten my seatbelt, Jasper opens his glove compartment and offers me a choice of black Raybans. I try various pairs on and chose the ones that suit me best.

We arrive at school and heads turn as we walk in together. Jasper holds my hand tightly and smiles at the students who are watching us.

"Good morning fellow Forkers" he announces.

We are running late so we are last to arrive and thus make a bigger entrance than I had counted on.

Alice is beside us in a second flat, clapping and jumping up and down.

"Bella, you look amazing! And Jasper...."

The world stops turning as they stare into each others eyes.

Goddammit! I should have let him cash my v card when he offered!

Alice has his other arm and he has forgotten I exist.

Rose tugs me to one side and Alice and Jasper keep walking, not noticing I am no longer with them.

"Shit, Swan, you should have fucked him while you had the chance" says Rose, reading my freaking mind.

"Shut the fuck up. I know" I huff at her and storm off. I walk right into a wall, well, something like a wall. Oh it's an Edward Cullen.

"I'll fuck you. You look hot." he says and walks into class.

I stand there shaking in anger and indignation.

From fuckable to invisible from Jasper's point of view.

From invisible to fuckable from Edward's point of view.

I curse them both and slam my bookbag on the Biology table and sit down, ignoring both annoying males that I have to share a table with. I keep my hair down between us all and try and concentrate on Mr Banner. His stupid lecture on neanderthals leaves me thinking I have two perfect examples right here with me.

I am gone the moment the bell announces the end of class.

Edward is somehow right behind me.

"Eager to find a place to fuck me?" he says.

I turn and slap his face as hard as I can, and walk away.

"Wow, foreplay" he says and walks off grinning.

I know I am about to combust.

At lunch, Jasper and Alice share a chair and stare into one another's eyes.

Jasper feeds Alice, who is perched on his knee, pieces of pizza and she kisses him after every bite. I fear I will vomit if I have to keep watching.

I leave the table and dump the contents of my tray into the trash and walk outside.

Edward somehow sneaks up behind me without making a sound until he murmurs in my ear.

"Are you going to slap me again? Can I slap you too? Or just slap my balls against your ass as I fuck you? I found a tree down the back. I can fuck you up against it."

"Go away, Edward" I warn him, gritting my teeth.

"You look really hot" he says."Very fuckable. I like the hair. And it's long enough to wind around my hand and pull your head back when I fuck you from behind."

"Stop it" I screech, as the tears start."Go away and leave me alone."

He looks confused and even repentant.

"Sorry. I thought you did this whole...look, so boys would want to fuck you"

"Well, you are wrong. I didn't. Jasper dyed my hair and bought me these clothes, actually. I didn't pick them. He told me what to wear."

"Is Jasper your boyfriend?" he asked.

"No, he is in the lunchroom with Alice Brandon on his lap, kissing her" I said loudly.

"Sorry Swan."

"I just wanted to do something different, fit in" I continued, forgetting who I was saying this to.

"No, Swan, don't change. Don't try and fit in. Be yourself."

"Maybe I hate being myself." I answered back.

"I don't see why. You are pretty hot whatever you wear, you know."

"Edward, I am like the last virgin standing in senior year. I mean, Alice is too but the way she and Jasper are behaving, I will be the sole survivor by the end of the month."

"What's wrong with being a virgin?" he asked, looking perplexed.

"Nobody else wanted to remain one, or they would have." I replied.

"Maybe some of them regret it, have you thought of that?"

"Do you?"

"How do you know I'm not a virgin, Swan?"

"Um,look at you. I bet you have had half the girls at school already."

"Really? Me?" he asked in surprise.

"Yeah, despite the whole broody shit, you know you are hot" I told him.

"I'm hot?' he questioned.

"Edward, will you stop the crap. You could have any girl in the town, let alone in this school. Hell, you could probably have the mothers as well."

"I could?"

"Stop. It. Now." I ground out between my clenched jaw.

I turned to walk away and he grabbed my arm.

"Sorry, Bella. I don't know what I did..well, I said all that shit..but I thought girls wanted guys to want to fuck them. I don't know what you want me to say. You are hot and sexy as hell. But you are clever and nice and shit, too. And beautiful."

I stopped and faced him.

"Beautiful? Do you think that's funny?"I demanded.

"What? What did I say now? Shit, women. No wonder I avoid you girls like the plague."

He looked down at the ground and shifted from one foot to the other.

"Do you really think I am beautiful?" I whispered.

"Yes, you are. You know you are" he said quietly, tucking my hair behind my ear.

"You have amazing eyes. I never knew anyone with brown eyes that look like yours. They are like brown velvet, or melted chocolate. They are beautiful. You have awesome skin, it looks like those dolls my mom collects. Like someone painted you perfectly. And your hair is amazing. It smells like strawberries and almonds and vanilla. I love how it flows down your back and it shines all golden red in the sun. Well, it used to. It shines blue now. It's still beautiful."

"Bella Swan" screeched Rose, walking up towards us. Edward put his hands in his pockets and walks away.

"What the fuck is going on? And why are you talking to that freak?"

"He's not a freak. He is kind of nice, actually."

"Shit, stay away from Cullen. He is weird."

"Yeah, and I'm not."

"You aren't weird, Bella. Come sit with us. Alice and Jasper are so cute together."

"Maybe I am sick of watching you people all pair off" I told her.

"Hey, Mike's dating Jess. I mean, dating. Not screwing. Isn't that amazing? He likes her."

Oh great, even the school slut has a boyfriend.

Jake obviously knows her well, yet he won't even date me. I am so sick of this.

"I have an assignment to do, I am going to the library." I tell her and walk away.

That night I sit in my room, in the dark and gaze out the window. I feel so lonely. Alice used to sit here with me and we would analyze every boy in school and comfort ourselves that we didn't want them, just like they didn't want us. Alice has dated before, unlike me, but never any one boy for long. Now she has Jasper and it looks like it's serious, already.

A pebble hits my window and drops to the ground. Puzzled. I open the window and look down. Edward is standing in our yard below.

"You okay, Rapunzel?" he asks.

"Sure, Cullen." I reply.

"Can I come up?' he asks.

"Up?" I quiz him.

"Up the tree, into your tower." he replies.

"Okay but don't break your neck."

He climbs up the tree in seconds and tells me to stand back as he swings himself into my bedroom.

He grins at me and walks toward my bed and sits down with his feet up on the quilt.

His legs are even longer than Jasper's.

"So, what were you waiting for? Sitting at your window?"

"My knight in shining armor? My prince? My Romeo?"

"Will you settle for me?" he asks with a grin.

"For now" I answer, smiling at him.

"Can I kiss you?" he asks.

"I am not going to fuck you, Edward" I warn him.

"Did I ask you to?" he replies, cupping my face with his hands."I just want to kiss you."

"O-kay" I stutter.

His lips descend onto mine and graze them so gently. I sit still and wonder what I should do back.

He presses up closer and I press equally hard. He moves gently, opening his mouth, sucking in my bottom lip so I suck in his top lip.

He moves and presses both lips against mine and enters his tongue into my mouth.

I do the same back to him and he sucks on my tongue. I feel warm and wet and unsettled, my ladies parts feel sort of stirred up and I close my legs.

His hand is on the back of my head and he pulls me closer, never breaking the kiss.

I put my hands into his soft, baby hair and feel it flow between my fingers, silky and smooth.

He sighs in my mouth and I pull back for air as I am starting to feel faint.

"Wow." he says.

"Wow." I say back to him. My nipples are hard and shivery. I hope he doesn't notice.

"That was nice" he says.

"Yeah" I agree.

He slides his arm around my shoulder.

"I meant what I said today, Bella."

"Really?" I squeak.

"Can I kiss you again?"

"Sure" I reply, eager to have his lips back on mine.

It's even better this time. We move against each others lips and he licks along mine until I open for him and he is sliding his tongue about inside my mouth.

I sigh and wriggle closer and he laughs and kisses me several times, short, chaste kisses unlike what we had been doing.

"Okay, I am going to go now" he says, walking to the window.

"Can I come back tomorrow night?"

"Sure" I reply and smile as he climbs out my window and down the tree.

He turns and waves as he runs into the forest, towards his house.

I wave back and close my window.

That was the first night I dreamt of Edward Cullen.


	3. Chapter 3

**Firstly, a busker is a street performer, kids in Uni (college) do it, they sing and or play guitar and you toss money at their feet. I didn't know it was illegal in the US when I wrote it....Okay, you need more info on their past, and I had to edit Chapter 2 because Edward just told me something I didn't know when I wrote it so a re read would be good. Sorry, he has been warned! You know what a cranky bugger he is nowdays! He woke me at 2.30am this morning to write this! It's long but it covers a few months...BE warned, this story is not for everyone. If you are overly sensitive, stop reading.(Victoria, nothing you cant cope with.)**

Black

Chapter 3

Past Differences

BPOV

Next day at school, Edward came up to my truck as I parked it, in the far corner away from the nice cars. He opened my door for me and smiled. I smiled back, pleased he was not pretending nothing had happened, as I have expected him to.

"Good morning, Bella."

"Good Morning, Edward."

He held out a hand and I took it and alighted. He grabbed my bookbag off me and carried it along with his own.

"You look beautiful today."

"Thank you."

"So, you prefer to hear that rather than..the shit I said yesterday?"

"Of course I do."

"Right. Noted."

I laughed at him. He looks so mature for his age, it's easy to forget the fact he has a 5 o'clock shadow doesn't mean he is mature and knowledgable in every way.

"Can I still come over tonight?' he asked, trying to look like it was no big deal. He wouldn't look at my face, he was glancing around the yard and attempting to make it seem he didn't care either way. He was so transparent.

"Sure" I said and he let go of the breath he had been holding in and looked seriously relieved.

He smiled at me again and as we stopped at our lockers, he stood right behind me and planted a soft kiss on my neck. I blushed madly and grabbed my books, not even checking they were the ones I needed. As I shut my locker, he turned me around and checked nobody was around, then kissed me quickly and chastely on my lips. I knew I was as red as a beetroot but I smiled at him and watched the grin spread across his face. He was seriously gorgeous and I could not believe he was really interested in me. Let's see if he runs and hides when the others arrive.

We sat out the back and waited for first bell.

"So,what do you like reading? I saw so many books in your room last night."

"Um, you know, girl stuff, romances, anything with a happy ending."

"Seriously? Not Shakespeare then. Not a fan of Romeo?"

"Well, it is good until they die, that kind of kills the mood for me."

"Yeah, bit of a letdown. But at least they had one night together."

"Edward, that's such a man thing to say. They were in love, it wasn't about sex."

He laughed and shook his head.

"Bella, believe me, for Romeo the sex was a big part of it. It's such a girl thing to say it was just about love."

"Can't it be about both?"

"Of course it was. I was just teasing you. I am sure they loved each other a lot. Just not enough to really talk and sort out their problems."

"Yeah, I guess it was a little reckless. Her faking her own death without being sure he knew what she was doing. But at least he loved her enough to die with her."

"Or was too much of a pussy to even try and live without her. Don't forget, he was in love with someone else at the start, he could have moved on from Juliet too."

"Ah, see, that's why I hate boys, they just replace and move on."

"I guess some girls are easily replaceable" he said, moving closer.

"You would not be replaceable" he whispered.

"Oh, I am sure I would be." I assured him, but inside my heart was pounding at his words.

"Bella Swan! What the fuck are you doing with Cullen? Get your ass inside with us. I swear, you are asking to be ostracized, hanging out with that freak."

"Hello and good morning to you too, Rose. And may I point out, you are hanging out with Emmett Cullen? Brother of Edward? Don't freaks run in their family?"

She glared and stood with her hands on her hips.

"Don't piss me off, Swan. Emmett is nothing like Edward. Emmett is normal."

"Well, you know, maybe I prefer different. Normal is so boring."

"Fine" she threw her hands in the air.

"Don't come crying to me when he hurts you and dumps you."

"Not going to happen, Hale." Edward calls after her.

I looked at him.

He reached a hand out and covered mine.

"I will never hurt you, Bella. I promise."

Oh such words, so lightly said. So wrongly accepted.

"Thank you, Edward."

If I could turn back time, this is the moment I should have stood and run behind Rose and sat with the Normals.

Edward walked me to class and sat beside me in the ones we shared. He slid his textbook between us on the desk when I realized I had grabbed the wrong one, being all flustered and all at the lockers.

Whenever a teacher turned her back to write on the board, he would smile at me, or touch my hand briefly, or reach and push my hair behing my ear.

"I want to see your face" he whispered as he did it.

I spent much of the day blushing and trying to keep my heart from jumping out of my chest.

At luchtime, Edward held my hand and walked into the lunchroom, the first time I have ever seen him go inside there.

He led me to my usual table then left.

I grinned at Alice, who was apart from Jasper momentarily. while he got her lunch, or their lunch, I suppose. No doubt I will have to endure the cutesy feeding of Alice by Jasper again.

"Well, well. You and Edward."

"Yeah."

"Nice."

"Thanks. I think so. Rose hates him."

"Rose hates everyone."

"She thinks you and Jaz are cute."

"God, how wonderful. Rosalie thinks we are cute. Is it that bad already? Do you want to puke?"

"Oh yes, definately. But Jaz is gorgeous and you two are good together."

"You don't know the half of it."

"Alice, you didn't? Not already? You only got together yesterday."

"He offered. I accepted."

I always suspected Alice was brighter than me.

Then I bite my tongue. If I had accepted Jasper's offer, I would be regretting it already.

"Oh no!" I shrieked.

"What? What's wrong?"

"I am now officially the last remaining virgin in the senior year!" I said a lot quieter, not wanting anyone to overhear of this sad piece of news.

I stood to go collect my lunch and jumped back in surprise when Edward walked up just then, tray in hand and placed it in front of my seat on the table.

"I didn't know what you ate so I got a bit of everything." he said, sitting in the seat beside mine.

I had assumed her had gone outside for his usual lunchtime of chain smoking and sly drinking from his flask.

"Oh. Okay. Thanks." I sat down again and he waved his hand over the tray."Take whatever you want."

I grabbed a slice of pizza and he sat there grinning as I chewed.

"Is that stuff even food?" he asked.

"Here, taste it, It's not that bad" I said, holding the slice to his lips.

He bit a small bite off and chewed it, with his face screwed into a frown.

"Nope, not food." he concluded and grabbed an apple off the tray. He bit into it and the juice ran down his chin. I reached up and wiped it away with a paper napkin.

"I'm not sitting here if he is at this table" bitched Rose, stopping in front of her usual chair and glaring at Emmett.

"Rosie, will you relax? What has Edward ever done to you?"

"Bewitched my best friend for a start. You know he will just use her and toss her aside."

"How do you know this, Rose?" asked Edward, leaning towards her as he spoke, his eyes narrowing.

"Because that's what you do with all the girls" she snarked.

"And who would 'all these girls' be?" he asked her."One name. Tell us one name of one girl I have used and tossed aside."

"Oh, well, how come you never sit with any of your girlfriends?"

"Maybe because I have never had a girlfriend." he answered.

"What? You and your pretty! You must have girlfriends? Or are they just fuckbuddies?"

"Don't judge everyone else by your own standards" he answered, looking really annoyed by this point.

"Edward" warned Emmett.

"What? How can she judge me, who she knows nothing about, when everyone knows she has been with at least you and Royce. So that's two more people than I have fucked."

The table was silent.

Alice looked at Jasper, and smiled. Jaz held her hand and Rose sat down in shock.

"You are a virgin?" she said quietly."Boy, I didn't see that coming."

Suddenly I felt a whole let better about myself.

Alice winked at me and kicked me under the table.

I ignored her and ate my pizza but my heart was out of control. Edward was a virgin! It was like finding a nugget of gold in a mine you thought was long mined out.

"Not everyone feels the need to sleep around just because they can" he answered.

I reached for a bottle of lemonade and Edward grabbed the lid when I dropped it on the tray, spinning it with his long fingers.

Rose ate in silence, too shocked I think to speak.

Emmett looked worriedly at her and barely ate. Edward and I cleared everything off the tray, anything rather than have to speak, I thought.

He shifted in his seat and led my hand when I finished eating.

"Sorry. That was probably rude. I apologize, Rose. I shouldn't have made that comment. What you do is your business."

Rose looked at Edward.

"Sorry. I shouldn't have assumed."

"Thank you." he replied, rubbing his finger over my knuckles, smiling at me.

We were all glad when the bell sounded and we headed for class. Edward quite openly held my hand as we walked, and he kept me close when we sat together, pulling his chair so it touched mine.

"Now you know why I avoid the lunchroom" he whispered."I am socially..awkward, Bella, I never manage to know what to say to other people."

"You have no trouble talking to me" I pointed out.

"You are different. You know that."

"Yeah" I agreed. "I am different."

"No, it's a good thing. I like different."

"So do I"

We sat grinning like fools and didn't even notice the teacher had entered the room.

"Mr Cullen, maybe you know the correct answer seeing you and Miss Swan are obviously discussing history together, as you should be."

"Henry the 8th" gambled Edward. We had touched on rulers during the 16th century yesterday.

"Well, class, was Henry the 8th our first president?" quizzed the teacher, looking both annoyed and pleased to have caught Edward out and managed to try and embarrass him in front of the class.

Edward was completely not bothered, and he simply grinned.

"No, so maybe a little less chatting up of the female students and a little more attention to me, who gets paid an admittedly woeful wage, to teach you."

"Yes sir. Sorry." answered Edward.

The eyes of every student was on us, noting the closeness of the chairs, and the way Edward was leaning in toward me.

I blushed as usual and hoped they would face the front and forget us.

The rest of the class went well and Edward had the correct answer all four times he was called on.

I was lost in admiration and of course, had no idea of the answer when I was suddenly the target.

"George Washington" whispered Edward out of the side of his mouth.

"George Washington" I answered, trying to sound confident, and give the impression I knew what this lesson was about. If it wasn't about tall, gorgeous boys with green eyes and copper messy hair, then I have wasted the entire period.

I sighed with relief when the answer proved to be correct though the question was still a mystery.

Finally the torture ended and school finished for the day. Edward walked me to my truck and opened the door for me.

"Can I follow you home?' he asked.

"Sure, but I have that assignment to finish, you have to just sit and wait if you come now."

"That's okay. See you soon."

Of course, it was torture trying to come up with something intelligent to write as Edward twirled my hair and gazed into my eyes from ten inches away.

"Edward, if I fail, Charlie will be suspicious that I am not spending my time studying and doing homework after school, and he will drop home and check on me. Or get that nosy Mrs Clearwater across the road to take notes of everyone who comes here."

"Okay, point taken" he said and walked away from my desk, to drop onto my bed. He took up most of the mattress and he sighed dramatically and closed his eyes while I tried to concentrate and get this damn thing finished. I read of over quickly. I can absorb one 'C' without lowering my grade average.

His long, slim body lay across from corner to corner and his legs still hung off the end. He must be over six foot tall, I thought. I am a mere five foot four so the bed is fine for me, but I think Edward must own a much larger bed himself, to be able to even sleep.

"Finished" I announced and stood, wondering if it was too bold if I lay beside him. He opened an eye and grinned.

"Good, now come and let me kiss you," he implored.

I sat on the edge of the bed and he sat up beside me and moved his lips to mine.

It was just like yesterday, soft, sweet then harder and maybe even a little frantic. From both of us.

"Are you really a virgin?" I asked, between kisses.

"Yeah, but I have kissed a girl" he answered.

My stomach clenched at the knowledge I wasn't the first girl he had kissed. I wondered if Jess had gotten her hands on him? But he would hardly be a virgin if she had.

"Who?" I asked.

"The most beautiful girl in the school" he answered.

"You kissed Rose?" I said in shock.

"What? No. Rose isn't the most beautiful girl in school, not by a long shot."

"Who is, then?" I could not think of a single girl more beautiful than Rose.

"Bella Swan. Even her name means beautiful" he murmured and kissed me again.

"What time is Charlie due home today?" he asked me.

"About 7. So you can stay a while. If you want to, that is."

"Of course I want to. I just don't want to get you into any trouble."

Famous last words.

Funny how things happen. You think you know everything by senior year but you know nothing.

Nothing important, anyway. Sure you know who the first president is but it never really helps you in real life.

Edward lay me beside him and his hands grazed over my breasts. I sighed and he repeated the movement, just slightly touching them, over my clothes.

This is how it should have stayed. Innocent, sweet, nothing Charlie would object to. Well ,maybe he would object to even this.

Where were our brains?

Why didn't we know better?

We began on our path to Hell that very day.

I stupidly reached inside my shirt and undid my bra, allowing Edward to reach in and touch my naked nipples.

In minutes, hands were not enough for either of us and his lips replaced them.

I moaned and ground myself against his thigh.

He jumped up as if burned and stood facing away from me. 'Er, I better go, See you" and he was gone, out the window, leaving me laying there wondering what I had done wrong.

When I arrived at school the next day, I got there early so I could rehash my assignment and maybe raise the level to a 'B'.. I sat in the library and got it rewritten, quite pleased with myself. Alice walked in and sat beside me.

"Bella? You didn't finish that at home? That is not like you."

"Edward came over." I answered.

Alice grinned and bounced in her chair.

"Alice, he acts...strange. One minute we are laying on my bed kissing..."

She raised her eyebrows, I am sure she never saw this coming from my mouth. The virgin and all.

"Then he stands up and won't even look at me and he bolts. Like, out the window. Gone. What am I doing wrong?"

"Nothing." she grinned.

"Then why does he leave?"

"Bella, when you kiss a boy, certain...reactions occur..like, in his pants? You know? He probably needs to relieve his..stress? You get what I am talking about?"

I did. I sat there blushing at my own ignorance.

"When I first dated Tyler, he did the same thing . After a while, he started letting me 'solve' his problem" she explained.

"How?" I asked, puzzled.

"Um. God, let's see. He would rub his body against mine until he..ah,.. resolved the issue with the friction between us. Dry humping, it's called, It's like sex but with your clothes on and no rude parts exposed."

"Oh, right. I see."

"You understand, Bella? It's a way of helping a boy relieve his stress in the situation without chancing a pregnancy or anything. No hand jobs or touching under your clothes. You need to take things slowly at first."

"Like you are with Jaz?" I asked, snarkily.

"Bella, Jaz is very experienced. He has been with a few girls and I was always waiting for a boy like him to come along and remove my v card, you know that. We talked about it enough. I have done lots of things with other boys, like blow jobs and such, don't look like that! You will get there yourself, one day. When you are ready."

"Alice, I am never putting any boys 'thing' in my mouth."

"You say that now, but one day it will happen. And you won't fight it. It's just the progression to sex, Bella. But you are far from that type of thing yet. No bare skin is your rule, right?"

"Right" I agreed hastily. Maybe the bra off had not been my best idea.

"Thanks, Alice".

I was relieved it wasn't me, I wasn't scaring him off, but I wanted him to stay. I wanted to kiss him more and if he needed to rub against my..something.. to get relief, why not?

Why not indeed.

Because you have no self control, Bella and if you knew where this was going, you would be locking your window and reading your romance novels like you were happy with last week.

Edward was looking for me and he smiled and ran up to me when I walked outside.

"Bella. Good morning" . He was all smiles and didn't seem to resent that I hadn't done anything to help him with his 'problem'.

"Can you come over after school today?" I asked him, determined to get this body rubbing bit as part of our routine so he would stay.

The day dragged and I spent most of it looking at the clock. I handed in my assignment and the teacher rapidly read it through and smiled, so I think maybe I saved the 'B'.

Finally we were on my bed and Edward was kissing me again. This time, when he tried to pull away and go, I grabbed him tightly.

"Edward, I know why you are leaving. Please stay. I can help."

"How?" he asked.

"Alice told me I can help you relieve your stress and then you can stay longer."

"Bella, you don't have to do this. It's my problem."

"I want to, Edward."

He looked at me closely, gazing into my eyes.

"Okay, but just a handjob, we are not doing anything real."

I gulped.

A hand job.

Right.

This would involve my hand on his...um..package.

I reached for his pants and he unzipped and pulled out his penis, which was quite like Jaz.'s, the only other one I had seen, but his was..standing up and hard.

He took my hand and wrapped it around him and started sliding it up and down.

"Like this, Bella. A bit tighter. Nice. Good. Yeah. Good, Bella. Yeah"

His breathing hitched and I watched in awe as he closed his eyes and guided my hand along, back and forth.

Shit, this kind of went against the no bare skin rule Alice told me to follow.

He started to buck into my hand and I moved it faster.

"Tighter" he breathed out at me so I closed my hand in a better grip and he suddenly stiffened and shot his stuff out onto the bed.

"Shit, sorry."

I smiled and told him it was okay.

"You have to wash that, Bella, Charlie will know exactly what that is. Men can recognize jizz at a hundred paces. Come on."

He put his penis away, it was all small and limp now, and he helped me strip the cover off the bed and take it down to the kitchen and throw it in the washing machine.

He walked to the bench once the machine was washing.

"Do you drink coffee?' he asked.

"Sure" I said, opening the cupboard and pulling out the coffee beans and putting them in the grinder.

He filled the jug and put it on to boil and took three mugs out of the dresser.

"Three?' I questioned.

"One for you, one for me and one for beside your bed where you spilled it on the quilt" he answered.

"Oh." I got it.

When Charlie sees the wet quilt on the line, he is going to wonder why I am washing it mid week.

Edward poured the coffee, two full cups and one with an inch or so in the bottom.

I added cream to mine and the fake serve and stirred them then took the fake coffee upstairs and let it make a ring on my bedside table. Edward dipped a paper napkin in it and then rubbed the table and left the evidence of my attempt to scrub the spilled coffee off my quilt there.

I smiled at him.

"I think you have done this before "I quipped.

"Yeah, sometimes I am so into my fantasy and what you are doing in it, I forget to aim straight" he said, shocking me. I was who he fantasized about when he did 'that'?

He pulled me onto his knee.

"Thank you, Bella, I really enjoyed the feel of your hand on me. Nobody has ever done that for me before."

I smiled and he kissed me deeply. I felt the stirrings again and wriggled in his lap.

"I have never touched a girl, you know, but I think I could work out what to do, if you want" he said, kissing my neck.

I ground myself against his lap and he reached down to my panties and stroked his fingers along the outside of the fabric, above the part of me that was begging for something.

It felt good and I ground into his hand.

He slipped a finger inside the fabric and pushed it along my folds, making me want more of something.

"Lay down" he whispered and I did, my legs apart shamelessly.

"Can I?" he asked, hooking his fingers into each side of the lacy fabric of my panties.

I knew this was not a good idea but my head nodded and he pulled my panties down and sat looking at my naked folds. He placed his hands on me and opened my lower lips and looked studiously at my hidden places. I watched him with my half lidded eyes.

"Beautiful, all of you, you are beautiful" he whispered.

He started stroking me in a way I had never felt before, not by my own hand or anyone else's and the sparks ignited and tried to consume me.

"God, that feels nice" I murmured, closing my eyes.

He pulled me closer and lay beside me, his fingers touching and exploring and bringing the most wonderful sensations deep inside me.

"I am not sure if I can make you come. Tell me what to do. What do you do?"

I opened my eyes.

"Bella, when you play with yourself, show me what you do."

"I don't know what you mean." I answered.

Play with myself?

"Bella, haven't you ever stroked yourself, here?" he said, moving his fingers along me, causing the sparks again.

I shook my head and closed my eyes.

"Then I guess it's all new to us both. Tell me what feels the best,"

"When you touch me there" I put my finger on a point where the sparks hit strongest.

"Your clit? You like it there?" he stroked and traced around my bundle of nerves and I suddenly felt something explode and I gasped in a mouthful of air.

"Hell, what, God, that was..."

"Your first orgasm" he smiled and kissed me again.

"Did that feel good, baby?' he asked and I nodded my head enthusiastically.

"Good. Good girl".

He lay beside me, hugging me close and kissing me repeatedly, and the next hour passed in this manner..

"I should go. You probably have to make dinner?" he asked.

"Mmm" I replied. Beans on toast tonight, Charlie.

"Stay a little bit longer" I begged him.

"I don't want to get you into trouble" he said.

The words echoed in my head.

It was never his fault. I made him do it.

x x x x x

Charlie arrived home only ten minutes or so after Edward left. I had the bread toasted and the beans heating and I poured them onto the melting buttered surface.

"Something quick tonight, dad. I had to finish my assignment and lost track of time."

"That's fine, Bells" he answered, never thinking to not trust what I said.

The first of many lies had been spoken.

I looked out the window and watched my purple quilt flap dry in the cold night air.

x x x x x

We continued on in this way, innocent fun, nothing dangerous, so we thought. Edward discovered how much he loved my breasts and so we sometimes got naked together.

It was exciting, being able to see and touch every inch of each other.

Alice kept asking me how the dry humping was working out and I gave her vague grins and tried to avoid the lies. More lies.

EPOV

My times after school with Bella repeated themselves in my dreams at night and I often woke, exploding in my sheets, my hand firmly on my dick. I couldn't believe how beautiful she was and how she trusted me with her body.

I swore I would never harm her and I meant it. Emmett was forever asking me if I was "tapping' Bella and I shook my head.

"I would never risk hurting her, Emmett." I replied.

"You won't hurt her, just pull out before you shoot your load" he advised. It sounded simple.

Bella was getting more and more into things and now she was stroking my dick along her folds, rather than letting me use my fingers to get her off. Her moans were such that I never lasted long.

I had not ventured inside her and had no intention of doing so, but Emmett's words echoed in my head. So long as I pulled out before I came, she would be okay?

I decided to get a second opinion. Jasper.

""Hey Jaz" I ran up behind him as he left his car, before Alice saw him and descended.

"Edward my man! How's it going with the fair Bella?"

"Yeah, good. I want to ask you a question, if I may?"

"Shoot."

"Um, Emmett tells me so long as I withdraw before, um, .."

"shooting your load" Jaz helped me out.

"Yeah, that Bella won't.."

"Edward, the question is, how is your control? Can you be sure you will know when to pull out in time? It is a learned move. You need to indulge in a little hand loving with yourself and make sure you recognize when it's a few seconds prior, get my meaning? It's no good thinking, shit, I should have been out of here two seconds earlier. See how you feel right before, and get the timing perfected."

"Do you do this?" I asked.

"I like my ladies on the Pill but that said, you have to know them enough to trust them. Some say they are, and maybe they aren't, so yeah, if I have the slightest doubt, I pull out."

"You don't use condoms?"

"Shit, Edward. Obviously you never have. Go put on a raincoat and stand in the shower and see how that feels. That's what condoms are like. You are there but you don't feel anything much and they are messy bastards. I cannot stand them. Get Miss Bella on the Pill and once it kicks in, you can stay inside her warm little..self..and really go for it, man. So worth it. Pay for her prescription yourself, you don"t want her missing any because she couldn't find the cash for the next pack, pick them up yourself and give them to her, be there when she takes them..I mean, she is human, she could forget and you don't want that happening. Until then, yeah, get outa Dodge before the main event. Okay man? I gotta catch Alice before first bell. See ya."

So, Jaz used withdrawal, and he had plenty of experience and obviously, nothing bad ever happened to him.

Bella is pushing the limits and I just want to keep her safe. No eighteen year old wants to be tied down with a kid.

I walked in feeling happy, and spied my Bella waiting for me.

"Hi, baby" My arms were around her and my lips grazed hers and the day began.

x x x x

"Charlie has a double late shift, won't be home until lunchtime tomorrow. Please stay all night, Edward" Bella pleaded.

"Okay. Just gotta ring the rents."

I told my mom I was crashing at Jaz's and we were set.

Bella cooked dinner for us and it was nice, just her and me sitting at the dining table. Like a proper couple. Bella was in fine form and I had a feeling she knew tonight was going to be the night.

I was still a little unsure but we will see where things go.I mean, how things go. I do. Of course.

After dinner, Bella pulled me into her bedroom and we stripped off as had become our usual habit now and I grabbed her for the first of many kisses. She tasted like honey and sugar and sunshine. I love my Bella. Shit. I LOVE my Bella.

I have to tell her.

"Baby, I gotta say something."

"Later, Edward. I want you to kiss me again."

"I love you, Bella."

"What?"

"I love you. I love everything about you. I love all of you. I love you, Bella."

"Edward, I love you." She threw her hands into my hair and pulled my lips down to meet hers.

Her body writhed beneath mine and I covered hers with my own, completely. I was dangerously close to her entrance but if it was going to happen, I guess tonight is a good night.

I reached for her clit and started massaging her and she moaned into my mouth.

"Edward"

"Yes, baby?"

"I want you inside me tonight"

"Okay, baby."

"What!" she pulled back and stared at me. I was always telling her no and me changing my mind was a shock to her.

"We have to be careful though, love. When I start pulling out, don't grab me or hold me close, when I need to get out, I won't have much time. So, no grabbing my ass , promise?"

"Okay, Edward. We are really doing this?'

"Yeah, why not? Everyone else does, why should we be different?"

"I thought you liked different."

"Yeah, but I love you, baby, and I want you to be happy."

" You are about to make me very happy, baby" she crooned and I allowed myself to enter just inside her. She was ready, always ready, always wet and warm and eager.

I slid further in.

My fingers had been deep inside her many times and her barrier had long since given up the fight so there was no pain or bleeding. We had dealt with those months ago.

Once I was fully inside, I wanted to just stay there forever.

She grinned at me. Victory at last.

I started getting a rhythm going, rocking in , pulling out, almost the whole way out, and she grabbed my ass cheeks and pulled me in again.

"Sweetheart, I am not going to last long, don't grab me, remember."

"Sorry, Edward". She let me go and ran her hands up and down the sides of my torso instead.

My fingers on her clit were working her up into a frenzy and I was holding back, hoping she would finish first. There she goes. I wasn't expecting her walls to grip me so tight and things started to happen a little before I managed to jerk out and my seed fell in streams on her belly.

I held myself over her and watched my jizz cover her breasts and belly, as she laughed with glee.

Silly Bella.

Always so happy and playful.

"See, Edward, I knew you could do it. You should have listened to me earlier."

"Yes, baby. I should have. But now we know what we are doing...." I raised an eyebrow and winked at her.

"Come on, shower and I want to try shower sex. Rose loves shower sex."

We ran to the bathroom and Bella stood under the spray and I washed her clean. Evidence of our first time swirled down the drain.

Bella turned her back to me and bent over a little.

"Get inside me from the back, Edward" she instructed. I had a feeling she had the entire night planned out, now I had given in.

I checked to see if she was ready and she was so I slipped inside her and held her hips as I pounded her from behind. Another fantasy I imagined at shower time at home, now it was real.

"Rub your clit" I told her and she placed her fingers on it and started rubbing frantically.

I kissed her wet back as the water cascaded down on us, and suddenly her hand was between my legs, massaging my sac.

"Bellaaa!' I warned as I pulled out and shot my load onto the tiled wall.

Once I calmed , I grabbed her close and kissed her.

"Did you come, baby?"

"It doesn't matter" she replied.

"It does matter, Bella."

I turned off the water and grabbed a towel, drying her off roughly and pulled her back to her bed.

"Lay down" I ordered and my head was between her legs and I licked and sucked her to orgasm.

"Was that good, baby?"I asked unnecessarily as she panted and blushed all over.

"God yes" she cried. I lay beside her and we talked for hours before she slipped into sleep.

I watched her for a while, smiling at my good fortune, and followed her. No wet dreams tonight.

X x x x x x X

The next few months saw us getting quite the experts at withdrawal but I still felt relief everytime her period started and we knew we hadn't stuffed up. We were two weeks into her latest cycle when Alice shattered my freaking world.

We were at school and Bella went to grab a book she needed from the library. I was going to go with her but Alice said she needed my advice about something.

"What is it?" I asked, watching Bella walk away.

"It's Bella's sweet sixteen next month. We have to throw her a surprise party."

My heart stopped beating in my chest.

"You mean it's Bella's eighteenth birthday?" I corrected her.

"No, she is fifteen, Edward."

"How can she be a senior and be fifteen?" I yelled.

"When she lived with her mom in Phoenix, remember? Before she came was in some accelerated learning programme and she jumped two or was it three grades."

"No" I shook my head."Not possible. I am the youngest senior student because I was accelerated in elementary school. I have always been the youngest in my year and I just turned seventeen last month."

In fact, I had kept Bella from knowing it was my birthday at all because I was embarrassed to have to admit I was a year younger than she was.

"Edward, she has her birth certificate inside her locker door."

We walked to the locker and Alice spun the combination and I grabbed the door open.

Bella Swan is fifteen years old.

**Please review.**


	4. Chapter 4

**Happy Birthday Rob Pattinson! How sad is this, I got notified on facebook it was "my friend" RPatz's birthday!**

BLACK

Chapter 4

Regrets.

EPOV

I ran after Bella and grabbed her arm as she walked out of the library.

"Are you fifteen years old?"

I knew she was, I just wanted her to explain her birth certificate was wrong, misprinted, she had erased the year and changed it, anything.

"Yes, but it's my birthday next month. Why?"

"Bella! I could go to jail. You are underage."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, you are not yet sixteen. I could be arrested for sleeping with you."

"Really? I didn't know that. I swear, Edward."

"Does anyone know? Anyone at all? Alice? Rose?"

"No. Alice thinks we are dry humping and Rose doesn't want to know anything."

"Have you told anyone, asked anyone's advice? Think, Bella."

"No, Edward. Nobody knows."

"It stops now. I cannot touch you again until you turn sixteen. No kissing sessions in your bedroom, no sleepovers, nothing. We see each other in public only. At school. Right?"

"Yes, Edward" she said sadly.

"Come here. Sorry sweetheart. I just always assumed you were at least seventeen like the other senior girls. I had no idea you were fifteen. We have to play it safe."

"I should have told you." she said softly.

"Yeah, that would have been good."

Jasper caught me up a few minutes later.

"Bella, Hi, I just need a word with Edward."

He smiled at her and she walked away.

"Edward, shit, Alice just told me it's Bella's fucking sweet sixteenth next month. Did you know?"

"I found out like ten minutes ago. How the fuck can they let a fifteen year old in senior year?"

"I am really, really hoping you were asking about some other girl you were seeing on the side at this point..the sex advice? Tell me you aren't sleeping with Bella?"

"Not any more, believe me. I had no idea, Jaz. I have always been teased for being the youngest student in our grade because I was put ahead in elementary school. Nobody ever told me Bella was put up too, and three grades? What the Fuck?

Emmett hated the fact I got put up to his year. He thinks it makes him dumb and me smart. I see no fucking evidence of me being smart at the moment. You have to swear you won't say anything, Jaz, to anyone. Including Emmett. Luckily he thinks I am too much of a pussy to be tapping Bella."

I didn't want Bella to think I didn't want to be with her, just circumstances demanded we stop being intimate. I still held her hand at school, and kissed her chastely but I had nightmares all the time, dreaming we had been caught. I lived in a state of constant fear and when she whispered that her period had started, I was a happy man.

Thank God, Thank You God.

I really had dodged a bullet.

Had I known, I truly would have kept our whole relationship in the schoolyard until her sixteenth birthday.

Sixteen. God, even sixteen seems so young. Fifteen I can not even think about. I beat myself up mentally every single day. I should have asked her.

Finally the great day came and I woke up feeling like I just got out of prison.

Bella is sixteen. Legal.

I hate that it comes down to that fact but it does.

Bella skipped into school and wrapped her arms around my neck.

"Guess who is sixteen today?"

"Thank the fucking Gods" I answered."Bella, I have never been so terrified in my life as I was when I found out your age. What we were doing was wrong."

"I am sorry Edward. I didn't know."

"Yeah. Well, it's all in the past now but never tell a single soul, okay? Not Alice, not anyone."

"Are we going to be able to do it again now?"

"Legally, yes, but you are sixteen, Bella. That's so young."

"I am graduating this year. I am not an infant."

Shit, don't even mention infants.

Jasper pulled me aside as we headed to class.

"A word of advice. Do her."

"What?"

"You need to sleep with her, if she gets examined and she hasn't been legally sexually active, then they will know she has been illegally sexually active. You need to sleep with her so you can state you did her for the first time on her sixteenth birthday."

"Shit, Jasper, it feels kind of wrong, now."

"No, Edward. It was wrong before. It's legal now. You need to do her once tonight. Then if you don't continue, fine, but we need to be able to spread the word you did her for the first time tonight."

I knew Jaz was just watching my back. I saw his point and I knew it was probably good advice.

Alice organized the party and everyone turned up. I dressed myself in my black jeans and button down shirt, and arrived with her gift all wrapped up pretty.

I made sure she stayed by my side and by midnight, half the boys were under the weather.

Jasper caught my eye.

"Hey Edward. Your girlfriend is legal now. You can finally tap that pretty ass." he called out loudly.

Emmett laughed.

"Yeah, Bella, do us all a favor and make my brother a man before he turns 30. Okay?"

I laughed and pulled her tight against me.

"Yeah, well, we will see."

I winked and slapped her backside.

"Edward's going to score, Edward's going to score" .Up went the chant.

Bella caught on, as I knew she would but of course, she took complete advantage.

"Alice, can we borrow your spare bedroom? I am legal and we want to seal the deal."

Alice laughed.

"I suppose, seeing you are the birthday girl and the last virgin."

"Hey everyone, say Goodbye to our final senior year virgins, we are about to lose our last two holdouts."

Whistling and clapping drowned out any further words she said and Bella and I waved and ran inside.

"We don't have to actually do it, we just need them to think we did." I whispered to her, as we entered the spare bedroom.

"No, Edward, we are doing it" she assured me.

She was wearing the necklace I had given her, a heart with a single diamond on its edge.

In minutes it was all she had on and we were back. She felt so warm and wonderful, I nearly forgot to 'get outa Dodge' as Jaz put it.

We showered in the adjoining bathroom and when we returned to the party, everyone cheered us so we stopped at the top of the stairs and I held her hand up high and made us take a bow for our audience..

"Thank you all, us former virgins appreciate your applause."

"That didn't take long" yelled Emmett.

"Give it time, he needs to practice now he has tried it once" announced Jasper, just as loudly.

It was worth the whistling and back slapping to know we had established in everyone's heads that we had just lost our joint virginities tonight.

Of course, it became the subject of every conversation at school but it was a good thing.

Bella expected us to simply return to the way things had been, and after an initial struggle, I gave in and we were soon back to our old habits.

"Bella, you need to go get on the PIll if we are keeping this up" I reminded her a few weeks later, as I withdrew and used her stomach to release on.

"Fine, Edward' she replied."I don't see why this isn't good enough."

'Because you are sixteen and I am not taking any more chances with you. The Pill or back to oral only. I mean it."

Much as she loved oral, I knew this would force her hand.

"You want us to be together all night after Prom, you be on the Pill."

Graduation was looming, we had both been accepted into colleges around the country, and our futures looked bright.

Prom arrived and I asked Bella if we were safe.

"Yes, you cannot get me pregnant tonight' she muttered.

I hugged her close. I figured as much, she had been moody as hell lately and I knew the hormones in the Pill often had that effect.

We had stuck to only hands and mouths, no matter how much she tried to get me to do more.

I was planning on making tonight special, seeing she was following the rules.

We danced every dance together and sat with Emmett and Rose, who had finally decided I was not Satan after all, and was actually almost nice for once. Alice and Jasper were crowned Prom King and Queen, and at last, we were headed for our hotel suite and our first night back together properly.

Bella was a little withdrawn and tired, but she rallied once we were naked and the night became firmly lodged in my brain as the best night of our lives, so far. I hope we would just keep on getting better still as time passed.

Graduation came and we were finally no longer high school students and I was glad to leave it all behind.

Carlisle wanted us to visit a couple of campuses as he tried to direct me into his old school, but I was determined, wherever Bella went was where I would go as well.

She wanted to stay close to Charlie so in the end, we settled on SeattleU. Carlisle moaned and tried to push me to go to NYU but in the end, he realized I was not even listening any more and he gave up completely.

Rose and Alice had decided to follow Bella as well so it was good, she already had her dorm buddies, and Emmett, Jaz and I shared a dorm as well. It was chaotic and bedlam and we were always trying to grab some alone time with our ladies, so Jaz pulled out and rented an apartment and we guys moved in there. The plan was, the girls could come and share our three bedrooms, but Bella was getting more moody as time passed and I didn't want to rock the boat. She was only sixteen. She had her whole life in front of her and as much as I hoped we would always be together, how many college romances last the distance?

Finally the girls gave up their dorm and we moved their stuff into our bedrooms.

Bella fell asleep on our bed so I unpacked for her.

She was finding college really exhausting and I was worried about her.

I spoke to Alice, who assured me the girls were all going for their "ladies examinations" at the local Well Women's Clinic and she would be taking Bella.

Knowing Bella would object, she planned to spring it on her as they walked through the clinic doorway. Bella hates all hospitals and clinics, having spent a lot of time in them as a clumsy child and she fights always, against ever seeing a doctor. She struggled through a dose of flu and a sprained ankle once, refusing all our pleas to seek medical help.

"And I survived" she proudly added, whenever we brought up the story.

I curled my body around hers and held her close to me. She is my everything and I just want to look after her. I kissed her when she woke up and she smiled and lay in my arms until the others demanded we come out of our bedroom and share their Chinese takeaway dinner.

Jasper was paying for many of our expenses, determined his father would pay through the nose for his years of neglect, so money wasn't a problem. We all vaguely planned to pay him back 'some day' when we had jobs and incomes. Jasper didn't care at all. He enjoyed using the plastic card at every opportunity.

We men decided to treat the girls to a night out afterwards, and so it was in a club, full of drunks and noise, that our worlds collapsed once again, but in a much more permanent way. As the girls walked in, I looked up from our table and saw Alice's face Something was very wrong. I pushed up out of the booth and walked towards a tearful Bella, who was hanging on to Rosalie's arm for dear life.

"Edward, you need to talk to Bella" Alice warned me, and stepped back. I took Bella from Rose and kissed her cheek.

"What's up, love?"

I really feared the doctor had found something wrong with her.

Bella collapsed into my arms in a flood of tears so I looked at Alice and hoped she would help out.

"Bella's pregnant" she said quietly.

Shit.

How could this have happened?

"Edward. Six months pregnant."

My jaw dropped. My mind whirred, trying to absorb the news. She was so tiny, how could she be six months pregnant and not show?

"Bella, baby, did you know?" I asked her, but she didn't stop crying long enough to answer.

"It will be okay. We can get married and still finish college. They have a creche here."

We certainly wouldn't be the only young parents here.

Shit. Young.

"Alice, when is the baby due?"

Alice announced the due date and I held in a gasp. One month before I turn eighteen. Nine months exactly past Bella's sixteenth birthday.

Suddenly us being accelerated seemed like such a stupid idea. We had both progressed way faster socially and personally than we would have if we were with our actual peers.

I led Bella to the car and drove her home in silence. There was a lot to have to work out, parents to be informed. The wedding would have to be a quick courthouse affair, no trimmings but we could do something bigger later, fifth anniversary, something like that.

I picked her up out of the car and carried her inside,bridal style.

"It's going to be okay, sweetheart. I just wish you had told me earlier."

Hmm, I seem to have said that to her before. Last crisis, in fact.

"I'm sorry, Edward."

"It's okay. We can work this out. Why didn't you tell me?" I said, pulling her towards me as I sat her between my open legs on the bed.

Her back touched against my chest and I held my hands lightly on her belly. In this position, I could feel the hard lump that was her uterus containing our child.

She had been insisting I enter her from the back for the past couple of months and I had gone along with it. Now I knew why she had chosen that position. But I was still incredibly unobservant. Her breasts were larger, and all I had thought was, lucky me. Not why suddenly were her breasts increasing in size?

Her mood swings had been crazy. I had put it down to the hormones in The Pill and the move here, and the move into the apartment being more than she could cope with.

"I hoped it would just go away" she said, tearfully, and for the first time, I saw her clearly for what she was. A frightened,out of her depth, sixteen year old kid.

"Bella, what do you want us to do? Do you want to get married? We can just do the registry office bit now and have something better later."

"I don't think Charlie is going to let us." she cried, tears running down her face.

"He can't stop us." I answered.

"He can. I am sixteen."

Shit,she needed parental permission.

"I will talk to him."

"Edward, you are only seventeen yourself."

Fuck! Could this get any worse?

I wasn't sure of the law and our ages but I would find out.

I rang my father after Bella fell asleep.

"Dad. Please stay calm. Everyone 's okay, not injured, no car crash or anything."

"Bella is pregnant. Six months along. I just found out tonight. Yes, it's mine. Of course it's mine."

"I need to know our legal position. She is sixteen. Six months ago. Yes, I most likely got her knocked up at her birthday party.

Then the first lie.

"No,we had not slept together before that. I know Dad. We waited until she was legal."

"Can you find out if she needs Charlie's permission? She does. You are sure? Right.

What? I need your permission too?

Dad, we are coming home, we will be there I don't know, by lunchtime tomorrow. I am not waking Bella up tonight to drag her anywhere. Yes, she is living here with me. Well, I think that's a moot point now. Charlie will figure it out. Bye dad, see you tomorrow."

I didn't like the sound of anything my father had said.

I crawled into bed and spooned my body around Bella. I had a bad feeling about all this.

x x x x x x x

The drive home was pretty horrendous, Bella cried the whole way and I couldn't reach out and comfort her. I should have taken up Jaz and Alice's offer for them to come too, but I wanted to sort this myself, so I stubbornly refused their help.

Pulling into my parents driveway, I felt none of the joy and exhilaration I had felt when we last left, going off to college, our whole lives in front of us.

As I suspected, Carlisle was not going to help or make things easy.

"No, Edward. You are seventeen. I don't care if you do turn eighteen a month after the birth, you are a kid yourself and I am not making it easy for you to ruin your life and tie yourself down, to a sixteen year old! For God's sake. Where was your brain? Well, I think we all know where it was. In your pants."

"Dad, just let me access my trust fund and I will look after Bella myself. I don't expect you to support us."

"Good, because I am withdrawing all support now, today. Get a job and pay your own way through college. You cannot touch your trust fund. I will make damn sure of that."

Charlie Swan was hurdle number two.

He threw our front door open so harshly it hit the wall.

"You young punk. If I had known this was going on, I would have locked you up. How long has it been going on?"

"Since her sixteenth birthday:" I put in, before Bella could answer.

She glanced at me and I smiled at her. I will look after her, somehow.

"Charlie.."

"Chief Swan to you."

"Fine, Chief Swan, I need your permission to marry Bella. I will find a way of supporting her and the baby."

"How? Well? Have you got a job that pays enough to support a wife and child? No. No job at all. Any qualifications? No again. There is not a snowflakes chance in Hell she is marrying you so get that idea out of your head now."

"Charlie, I fully agree" piped up my wonderful father."They are kids. Let me work something out."

"You are not killing the baby" I screamed at my father.

"Edward, don't be ridiculous, she is six months pregnant. That is no longer an option."

Suddenly I am glad Bella didn't tell me earlier as I could imagine this pair of bullies would have harassed her into getting rid of it.

My father had grabbed my car keys off me the minute I walked in the house so I couldn't even grab her and run. Which is what my gut was telling me to do.

"I will be in touch, Carlisle. Thank you" said Charlie.

I was surprised he was going already.

"Get in the car, Bella."

"What? No. I am taking her back to college with me" I told him firmly.

"You are out of her life now, kid.

Bella, get in the cruiser now."

Bella looked petrified and I turned to Carlisle.

"Dad, don't let him take her, please."

"She is a minor, and his daughter. He makes her decisions, Edward."

I stood there shaking.

This was not happening.

Charlie took her arm and Bella resignedly allowed him to put her in the police car.

I turned to my father.

"Don't. Do. This."

"Edward, you made the mess, I will fix it. Now, get back to college . If you want any chance of a future, get back and complete your course and grow up, for God's sake. Leave little girls alone, by the way."

I fisted my hands and stood there shaking. This was not happening.

"I'm not going back without her."

"Fine. Then I am changing your trust fund so you cannot touch it until you are 21."

"No, please, don't."

Eighteen is bad enough, but it isn't that far away. I need that money.

"Here's the deal. You go back to college and work your ass off and pass every subject and I don't change the terms of your fund. I will pay your college fees but I want you back in a dorm. I will arrange it. No girls, especially no more pregnant girls, and once you turn eighteen we will negotiate a future plan. Agreed."

I had no choice.

"I will follow you out of town and you will not go to the Chiefs house and you will leave his daughter alone unless she invites you to visit. I will be will be watching. You ring me on Emmett's phone when you get back, so I know you are really there. You follow my rules or I will make your life very difficult, son."

"Yeah? It already is." I answered, sitting with my hands in my hair..

He went to speak to my mother, whom he had excluded from the conversation and then he gave me my keys and followed me for an hour out of town before he turned back.

I grabbed Emmett's phone and reported in as ordered.

Everyone sat and waited for me to finish talking to Carlisle. He seemed calmer now I was back here, so I hoped if I acted responsibly, he may ease up and let me get at my grandfather's money.

"Okay. As you all no doubt know, Bella is six months pregnant and I only found out yesterday. I took her to my parents house thinking they would help me talk Charlie around to letting us get married but my father is refusing to help so I have no fucking idea what will happen. Charlie took Bella home with him and I cannot visit until she invites me. If I do, Carlisle is tying up my trust fund until I am 21. I need to get that money on my 18th birthday so I am being the good son for now. Can you girls try and ring Bella and just make sure she is okay, please?"

Alice kissed my cheek and took her cell phone and walked outside.

I could hear her cheery voice as she spoke to someone about Bella, then she came back in.

"Charlie said I can talk to her Monday as she is tired so I will ring before class then. Don't worry, Edward. It will all work out."

"It had better" I growled and went to my room.

I put my iPod on and listened to some dark music and got in an even worse mood.

Sunday passed in a blur of depression and worry. I just want to know how she is. I rang my parents several times but Carlisle always answered. I wanted my mom to talk to me, not him. He was sounding almost cheery and it worried the living daylights out of me. He had been so cold and horrid to us and now he was Mary Sunshine? Something was going on and it was not going to be something I like.

Finally Monday morning dawned. I had not slept so I was sitting waiting for Alice to wake up and ring Bella. When she came out of her room, she kissed my cheek then walked outside and I heard her talking to Charlie again. Once again, he didn't let her talk to Bella.

"Shit, Edward. Charlie Swan has taken Bella to her mom's and he won't tell me where that is. Do you know where Renee lives?"

I wracked my brain and tried to remember what Bella had said. Phoenix then Jacksonville, then they moved somewhere new that Renee didn't like..Orlando? Omaha? Oregon? Ohio? I was pretty sure it was an O state.

I searched the online telephone directories but couldn't find any entry for Renee, then I remembered she remarried and Bella had never told me the husband's surname.

Dammit, the universe certainly was against us.

Alice rang Charlie every second day and talked to him cheerily, hoping to establish some sort of rapport. She implied she was on his side and didn't think I was a suitable match for Bella in the hope he would let something slip.

My father phoned weekly. He was having my class work monitored and I had to work hard to keep him satisfied. I studied, ate, slept, brooded.

The others tried to get me to hang out with them but I stayed close to home and then I was informed a dorm was vacant and I could move right in. I didn't want to leave the others but I didn't dare cross my father so they all helped me move back onto campus.

My roommate was a young pre med student, James, who knew my dad and was there because Carlisle had arranged a scholarship for him, so I knew James was his spy. I behaved myself, never drank or attended parties, handed my work in on time, worried, always worried.

There was no word from Bella and Alice reported to me each time she rang Charlie. Nobody was saying anything.

I was completely left out of every aspect of Bella's life and I wished so much she had never gone to that clinic. If she had kept her secret longer, the baby would have been born here and my parents and Charlie would have been none the wiser.

I crossed off each day on the calender and watched my child's birthdate draw closer.

Finally, as I sat in class wondering what would happen , my mother appeared at the door and I was excused.

I raced with her to her car when she told me Bella was in labor. My father was delivering the baby at Forks, so Bella was back!

I couldn't wait to see her but one thing my mom had not told me, was, my Dad had no idea she had come to get me. I knew that the moment I walked into the hospital corridor, and his shocked face when he saw me.

"What the hell are you doing here? I told you to stay at college. What did you not understand?"

"I got him, Carlisle. He has a right to see his own child." my mom said from behind me.

"Esme, this is a very bad idea."

"I want to see Bella now, please, dad."

"She is in Recovery. I had to perform a c section."

"Is she alright?"

"Yes, she will be fine."

"And the baby?"

"A girl. Healthy. Normal. Thank God."

"Can I see them, please."

"Tomorrow. Go back to the house with your mother."

"Please, dad. One look, that's all I want."

"Fine. You can see Bella or the baby. You pick."

"Bella" I said immediately. I could see the baby tomorrow, it wouldn't change overnight.

Carlisle walked me to Recovery and I finally saw Bella again. She was groggy but waking up.

"Bella! Sweetheart. We have a little girl." I told her, excitedly.

She smiled weakly and I sat beside her bed and held her hand. It was icy cold.

"Dad, she is freezing." I growled.

"It's just the after effect of the anesthetic." he said, checking her nonetheless.

"She will be fine."

"Am I allowed to see the baby?" she asked,her throat sounding scratchy.

I rubbed her hand and tried to warm it for her

"Tomorrow. When you sign the papers. I explained that to you."

"What papers, dad?"

"Edward, say goodbye and come back tomorrow."my father ordered.

I kissed Bella's cheek and hand and looked into her eyes.

"I love you, Bella. We will work this out."

"It's all worked out, go home with your mother or I won't allow you back tomorrow."

I kissed her quickly again and left.

My heart was joyous at seeing her again. In one month, I will be rich enough to support us all, buy a house, finish college. We will manage. Bella just needs to be somewhere safe for one month.

"Mom, can Bella stay with you for a month? Just until I can access my fund?" I asked her as we got home.

"Why, dear?"

"Because I doubt Charlie will want a baby in his house."

My mother paled, to gray.

"Mom" I demanded."What is going on?"

"Charlie is giving the baby up for adoption. Your father found a lovely couple to take her."

"Bella would never do that" I protested.

"Bella is sixteen. She has no choice."

I walked out of the house and back towards the town. It was maybe a two hour walk but I needed the time. I was planning a hundred ways to kill both my father and Charlie Swan.

Maybe I would snap their necks?

Stab them and watch their blood pour out of their bodies.

Shoot them. Where can I get a gun?

As I walked, my resolve weakened. I just want Bella and our baby. I don't want to go to jail for murder. Double murder. I couldn't choose who I wanted to kill more.

When I finally got to the hospital, Charlie was sitting in the waiting room.

"Chief Swan, please just let me talk to you. In a month's time, I will be able to buy a house, support them both. Please don't take our baby away. Don't give her to strangers . Bella cannot possibly want this to happen. What if she hates you for it?"

"Bella has seen sense. She knows you two cannot raise a baby. Be sensible, Edward."

I sat on the floor at his feet, my head in my hands.

What can I do?

"Edward, what the hell are you doing back here? Your mother will be worried sick. How did you get here?"

Carlisle strode toward me.

"I walked. I am not letting this happen. You can't give our baby away. It's our baby, not yours. Not Charlie's. I can guarantee if you do this, you will never see Bella or I again. Ever."

"Don't be such a drama queen. You two are far too young to raise a baby. Now, if you behave you can see the baby for a minute. Okay, Charlie? He won't cause any problems, will you, son?"

I shook my head.

If they were giving her away, I wanted to at least see her for a minute.

Carlisle took me to the nursery and a nurse let us in. We were directed into a private room and she pushed a plastic crib in and I saw our little girl. Tiny, absolutely tiny. Brown hair like Bella, heart shaped face. Long fingers though.

"Has Bella seen her?" I asked.

"She has decided she doesn't want to." answered my father.

I placed the baby back in the crib.

My mobile phone was in my pocket so I snapped off several photos with it.

As we walked out to Charlie, I faced them both.

"It's not that Bella doesn't want to see her, is it? It's that she can't bear to, knowing she can't keep her own first baby. God Charlie, you lost Bella for all those years when Renee took her away, and you want to inflict the same pain on your daughter? Are you even human?"

"Edward, I will have security remove you" warned Carlisle.

"Let me hear Bella say she doesn't want to see the baby" I demanded.

Charlie nodded and they both walked me to a private room, where Bella lay in the bed. Her drip was still set up.

"Edward" she cried as I walked back to her."Where you here before or did I dream it?"

"It was me. I had to go, fathers orders."

I sat beside her, on her bed and held her hand. She didn't seem to be in a lot of pain.

"Bella, they are saying you don't want to see the baby. Is that true?"

"I want to, but then they are taking her away and I will never see her again"

"Baby, I think you will regret not seeing her. I saw her. She looks just like you."

I handed her my phone and she flicked through the photos on the tiny screen.

"What does Renee say about this?" I asked. Maybe she would help her daughter talk to these men.

"Renee is willing to have Bella live with her but she doesn't want another baby in the house. She and Phil have a one year old boy and Renee is pregnant."

"So, she gets to keep her babies, and Bella doesn't?"

"Edward. This is done. It's all arranged. The couple adopting her will take her home in the morning and it will be a new start for you both."

"What if we don't want a new start?" I asked."What if we just want to keep our flesh and blood? What if one of us can never have another baby? Have you thought of that? What if Bella can't conceive again? Do you even care if this is her only child?"

"Say goodnight, Edward. We are going home" ordered Carlisle.

"No, Dad, I am not going home, If you give the baby away, then I have no home. I don't want to be your son."

"Enough"

He grabbed my arm and marched me out of the room. I turned back to Bella as he walked.

"I love you and I love the baby. Please see her. You will regret it if you don't."

Carlisle lectured me all the way back to the house but I didn't care. As soon as he goes to bed, I am walking back to the hospital.

I lay on the bed in my old bedroom and waited. Mom came in and tried to get me to eat or drink but I refused. Then I changed my mind and wolfed down the sandwich. I needed to get back to the hospital tonight. I should eat something.

I drank the juice too, once I realized. I asked Mom for dessert and she went back to the kitchen but dad walked in and sat beside me on my bed.

"Don't rock the boat. You can't win. It's all arranged."

"Well unarrange it."

"How would that couple feel if we called it off now. They have seen her, held her, chosen her name."

"I don't know ,Dad, but I expect any baby will do for them. This is our baby. Your granddaughter. She is unique. I have seen her, held her, I could name her in a second. I cannot believe Mom is letting you do this."

"It's not her decision. It's Charlie's. This is what he has decided is best for Bella."

"None of you could possibly believe that for one minute."

"Sorry, Edward. In years to come, you will see it was the right thing to do."

He patted my arm and I pulled away but too late. I felt the needle enter my arm and tried to stand.

Black.

That's all there was.

Black.

**Please Review. I only continue stories that get ten reviews or more per chapter. If you like this, review. Cheers.**

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	5. Chapter 5

A/N. I am basing things on how they were back then, things may have changed now. Charlie had complete control of the adoption as Bella's parent/guardian..They did not need Edward's permission. (They didn't need Bella's either.) I will tell you what this challenge was soon. I am just waiting to see if I achieved it.

Black

I know someday you'll have a beautiful life,  
I know you'll be a sun in somebody else's sky, but why  
Why, why can't it be, can't it be mine...Black lyrics, by Pearl Jam..they own them..or Eddie Vedder does.

Chapter 5

The First Goodbye, The Last Goodbye.

BPOV

After Edward left, I was unsure if I wanted to see the baby or not. A picture on a phone is one thing, it's not warm or soft or breathing. I had hardly been able to make much out of her features and such. Brown hair, small face is all I could tell.

I wanted to talk to someone, but who was there? Edward was not being given much freedom, or I know he would be here, he would never have left. Charlie was avoiding me, no doubt scared he may actually find it in his heart to be sorry for this atrocity he was instigating. I had been half aware they were planning the adoption as whenever I asked my mom what I needed to get for my baby , she would smile and say I wasn't to worry about it, and babies don't come with clothes, I am quite sure of that. When I asked her if I would be living with her after the baby was born, she just assured me they would "see what was for the best."

When I remarked on names, Renee at least got teary eyed, the only honest emotion anyone showed."The new parents will choose that, Bella." There, it was said.

They were taking our baby away from us.

Phil was useless, all he cared about was his one year old son,Jesse, and the coming baby of Renee's, whom he hoped would be another boy. I guess he figured girls like me are too much trouble.

A nurse on nightshift came in and closed my blinds on the window. The only lights on were the side lights so the room had a soft glow.

She checked my wound and such and took my blood pressure.

'If I want, cant I see my baby tonight?" I asked her. She smiled and grabbed my chart and wrote her obs onto it.

"Dr Carlisle Cullen says you may have a supervised visit. Do you want me to see if he's free? I saw him come back in a few minutes ago. The man rarely sleeps."

"Yes, please."

She left and about ten minutes later, Carlisle himself walked in, pushing the perspex crib in front of him.

"Hello, Bella, how are you feeling?"

"Sore. Tired. Upset. Is that enough?'

I tried to sit up, and he stepped forward and helped me.

"Bella, would it be alright for Esme to come in? She is pretty upset, with all the fuss Edward has made and she wants to see the baby. I told her I would ask. She is outside."

"Is Edward here?"

"No, he is asleep at last. I was worried he would try and walk into town again so I sedated him."

I blinked at him. He knocked his son out with drugs?

"He isn't being rational or reasonable. You two have no place to live, no jobs, no money, no clothes or equipment, you can't raise a baby. In a few years time, things will be different, if you are still together, you can get married and have a family then. I just wish he would try and see this is the best solution."

Carlisle pushed the crib to beside my bed and handed me the small, pink blanketed bundle.

"Esme?" he prompted.

"Yes, of course she can see her."

Then he walked out and for a few brief minutes, our baby was alone with me. I kissed her forehead and looked at her little face. Edward said she was like me but I thought she looked a bit like him, too. Her fingers looked too long and slim for her tiny hands.

Esme approached the bed and looked at the baby.

"Edward's fingers were just like that. So long, I knew he would play the piano."

"I wish things were different. I wish we were older."

"We all do, sweetheart. I hate to say it, but I think Carlisle may be right. Edward will never finish medical school if he has to support you and the baby. He will end up flipping burgers or something equally pointless. He has such a good brain, Bella, it can't go to waste."

"No, I suppose."

I just wanted to keep her.

I knew I couldn't and it wasn't sensible and it wasn't my choice anyway.

That bit I was glad of in the sense, I will never look back and wish I had chosen differently. Seeing I have no choice.

"Does she look like an 'Elizabeth' to you?" I asked her.

"That's really pretty. I think she does, somehow."

"I know we are going to talk about her all our lives so she needs a name."

"Yes, she does. Elizabeth is perfect for her. What's her middle name?"

"I'm not sure. I would like a name that is like Edward,or Anthony. What do you think?"

"Antionette is pretty."

"Elizabeth Antionette..no, Antonia!"

"Yes!" agreed Esme."Perfect."

"Elizabeth Antonia Swan Cullen. I want her birth name on the papers. I know they will call her something else anyway so I want her name written down this once. I want her to know I cared enough to name her."

"I brought my camera but I won't take any photos if you don't want me to."

"I wish Edward was here. Just so we could be a family for a few hours, or minutes. Whatever."

"I will bring him in early in the morning. I promise. I will sneak him in if I have to."

"Is he okay?"

"Bella, he isn't thinking clearly. I realize now we should have told him months ago about the adoption. I think he thought you would come back and have the baby and you would all live happily ever after."

"There's no chance Carlisle and Charlie will even let us try, will they?"

"No sweetie. It's not like getting a pet and giving it back if things are too hard. She needs a mom and dad and a house with a yard and good schools. The man is a doctor, so she will be well looked after and have everything she needs. Will I take some photos?"

"Yeah. I guess you can and if I don't want to see them, then I don't have to."

"That's right. I think Edward would want one of the two of you. His girls."

I felt the tears slip down my face when she said that.

"I'm sorry, Bella, I wasn't thinking."

"No, it's fine. I have to keep reminding myself, he is only seventeen and we would ruin his life and his career. It just isn't fair."

The camera clicked as Esme moved about, getting close ups and full body shots as she unwrapped the baby to show all her limbs.

"Hold her near your face.. Beautiful."

Carlisle returned.

"Bella, Charlie is here and so are the new parents. We think it's better if we do this now. You know Edward will throw a fit and probably furniture tomorrow. If we do this now, you can come home with us for a few days and stay with Edward."

I knew he was telling me, not asking me.

"Okay. Do I have to sign stuff?"

"No, Charlie has done all that. He is the baby's guardian seeing you are only sixteen."

"I'm kind of sick of hearing that."

"I bet you are. One day, you two will have a home and a future to offer another child like this one and things will be different and you will know you did the right thing by this baby."

"I hope so."

'Do you want me to hand her over or do you want to?"

"No, not me. Esme? Would you?"

"Sure, Bella."

I handed the baby over to Esme ,after kissing her gently and saying goodbye to her.

"Don't worry, Bella, this is the right decision."

"Only I didn't make it" I reminded him,as they walked out and left me with the empty crib.

I took the name card off the crib and held it in my hands.

Baby Swan/Cullen.

At least they gave her our names.

Esme walked back in about an hour later and helped me shower and change.

"It's cold outside. I brought a coat of mine in case you didn't have one."

"Thanks, Esme."

The trip to their house was mostly silent. Esme tried making small talk but Carlisle was tight lipped and silent and I just didn't care to be polite so she gave up.

Esme took me upstairs to the guestroom and opened the covers on the bed.

"I am going to sleep in Edward's bed, with him." I told her.

"Bella, Carlisle has explained you can't have sex again for about eight weeks, right?"

"Yes, and I don't think I will ever have sex again anyway."

"You will, sweetie. You just need time."

She left my bag beside the bed and helped me walk to Edward's room. He was flat out, deeply asleep. snoring slightly.

I lay beside him and put my arms around his torso and soon sleep claimed me and I welcomed the black.

x x x x x

"Bella?" said a velvety groggy voice.

"Hi"

"You slept here last night?'

"Yes, Carlisle and Esme brought me back. I am supposed to be in the guest room but I guess they know I am in no state to do anything anyway."

"Where's the baby?"

"The new parents took her last night."

"Shit, I am sorry."

"So am I. Can you help me to the bathroom?"

"Bella", Esme spoke from the door.

"I can help you with this. Edward, go and get Bella a cup of tea or something."

He stood up and I couldn't help looking at his body as he stood there in just his jeans.

He scrubbed his hands through his hair, and walked out.

"He seems okay" Esme said, looking at me.

"Calm before the storm?" I wondered.

"Probably. Carlisle has gone into the hospital already."

"Good."

"Yes. Good." repeated his wife.

Esme helped me shower and dress and sat me on a chair in front of the window.

Edward came in and handed me a cup of green tea and sat on his bed.

"So,mother, it's done."

"Yes, it is. Please don't make this harder for Bella. I was going to get you in there this morning but Charlie didn't want you back in the hospital. He was nervous about how you would react."

"Probably right" he answered and lay back on his bed."I hate them both."

"No, you don't. They think they have done what's best."

"I don't agree."

"Can you just give it some time?"

"Yeah, we have all the time in the world now."

Staying with the Cullen's was okay. We never saw Carlisle, he worked late and left early and I was glad of that. Esme was just the best mother to have around, she got me walking and showed me how to hold my wound when I bent over, and I started to feel kind of human phyiscally.

Mentally, I don't know.

Edward loved the names I gave the baby and he loved the photos of me and Elizabeth and the nurse from the baby nursery gave Esme a photo she took, of Edward holding the baby when he visited her. Carlisle was in the photo, as well, so Edward cut around Carlisle's body and threw it that piece in the trash,after he shredded it into a million thin slivers.

He stuck the photos all around the room.

Sometimes we talked about her and sometimes we cried at our loss but we helped each other and made up stories about where she lived now and what her name might be.

"I hope it's not Britney" he said.

"God, so do I."

Edward started taking me out for short drives and later, longer ones. The months seemed to drag but also flash by. Finally, two months after my belly had been cut open to remove it's precious occupant. I was pronounced fully recovered and allowed to return with Edward, to college.

I was not even going to try catching up and he seemed to no longer have any interest in his pre med course, so we really did a lot of sitting around or getting back to running, slowly, my hand clutching my belly still.

Charlie had not tried to see either of us while we lived at the Cullen's and I was glad of that. Esme went over and packed up my clothes and stuff out of my bedroom and brought it back to her house and now the boxes sat in Jasper's third bedroom, where we both slept again. The dorm was still Edward's but he got his belongings out of it and left it to the weird boy, James.

Edward started to get antsy. His money was supposed to be in his bank account and he wanted it now.

Each day he checked and got angry when it didn't appear.

He finally rang Carlisle, who told him he had been mistaken and Edward could not access it until he was 21 after all. Edward was livid and broke a couple of chairs. I wasn't worried, he would never hurt me.

Carlisle transferred five thousand dollars from his own account and told Edward he would be expecting it back when Edward turned 21.

Edward laughed. I don't think he has any intention of doing that. He hasn't kept in contact with Carlisle for any other reason and once he got the $5,000, he removed Carlisle's number from his phone.

I think that said it all. I hadn't contacted Charlie and had no intention of ever seeing him again.

Sure, he thought he did the right thing. Let him live with that knowledge because if he ever speaks to me, I will probably just scream anyway, so it's better this way.

I sort of float through the days and we eventually get kicked out of college for not attending. Not surprising.

The first bad day, I was walking along the street with Edward. He stepped into a book shop while I looked at a dress in a nearby shop. A woman came in with a baby and I knew it was Elizabeth. The brown hair, big brown eyes, she was dressed in a yellow sleeper and she looked at me and I felt she recognized me.

I walked over to the pram and stared at her.

"Elizabeth?"I asked her.

Her brown baby eyes flashed in recognition.

The mother said something and I reached in to take my child back.

Edward's arms were suddenly around me, pining my arms to my body.

"Edward, let me get her, it's Elizabeth. She even knows me still"

"Bella, listen to me, love. It's a little boy. Benjamin. It isn't her."

I blinked and looked again and the baby was too round and fat, what had I even been thinking?

"I'm sorry" said Edward to the startled mom, and walked me firmly out of the shop, to the car.

"You can't do that, love. She is a long way away. Charlie and Carlisle would have made sure whoever took her lived far from here."

x x x x x x

Jasper's dad transferred the deed of one of his many properties to Jaz but cancelled the plastic, so we all took a trip and saw the farmhouse he now owned.

"We should all move in" said Jasper.

It was a few miles out from the nearest town and had a massive shed, and the boys planned to start making music so they packed their belongings and instruments and we moved to the farm. Alice and Rose stayed in college as did Emmett, but they came every weekend.

Weekdays I fed chickens and collected eggs and grew a few vegetables but they didn't like the soil much. Jasper planted some 'special herbs' and they flourished so the boys were happy. They both got work in the town, in a bar at night. We had an income and a house. Of sorts.

I cleaned the house and washed the clothes and wondered where my daughter was now. As I hung out the washing one day, I remembered Esme saying a doctor took her so I decided to visit every doctor in the country in the next five years. It was my goal.

I started with the local doctor here but he was 70 and had no kids, adopted or otherwise.

I printed a list out off the Internet and crossed his name off. I found Carlisle's name amongst the thousands of doctors under C, and crossed him off too.

The band was coming together and they practised every weekend. Jasper rolled his own little smokes and handed them around and the band sounded even better after I smoked it.

I thought they sounded really good, like, better than the Beatles.

Edward refused to wear any clothes with color, they had to be all black. He explained to me as we sat on the back step smoking, that he was in permanent mourning for our daughter, so I just washed his black's separate to the whites, and the brightly colored tie dyed shirts of Jaz's, and hung them inside so the black wouldn't fade. Sometimes when we smoked, Jasper's bright shirts hurt my eyes to look at them.

Edward decided every time they played, they had to all wear black clothes, in memory of Elizabeth and her 'kidnapping.'

Carlisle had put a contraceptive implant in my arm before we left. I had watched him do it and felt the pain but I liked pain by then. I could feel it in my upper arm as I rubbed a finger over my skin.

I was glad it meant Edward would not put another baby in me because we were not in the best place by then. And they would probably take it away like they did Elizabeth anyway.

x x x x x x x

EPOV

At first, the band sucked and the job at the bar sucked but gradually things started to get better. Bella was almost happy now. She loved the baby chickens and let them run wild in the house.

She did the housework and cooked meals, though sometimes it was just a cheesecake for dinner, or some strange concoction she was convinced tasted awesome. She liked growing herbs, and cooking with them, so everything was full of flavor. Sometimes they clashed and fought each other but whatever. We smoked a lot of Jasper's herbs so who cared what we ate.

Some nights we forgot to go to the bar to do our shifts and the boss lady yelled at us the next night because she had to cover our shift but we found it quite amusing. Jaz gave her some 'herbal cigarettes' and told her to chill. She liked us again after that.

So, the rule was, miss a shift, take in a dozen smokes for Barbara or Betty or whatever the fuck her name was.

Bella decided in the Summer it was too hot for clothes so she wandered around in the nude. I liked this new look. I could see the tiny silver marks on her belly, where the baby her father stole had grown inside and stretched her skin.

She talked to Elizabeth most days, but none of us could see this baby Bella insisted was right here.

"Edward, open your fucking eyes. She is on our bed."

She threw me off the bed if I rolled too close to where the invisible baby lay so I slept on the floor some nights.

I worried a bit but Jasper said to chill and have another smoke so I did. Jaz's weed was really good and he started bartering weed for pills and we had a new hobby. I didn't let Bella know, or have any, as she could be quite strange some days. talking to clothes as they dried on the line and always carrying the invisible baby around. I think the smokes were affecting her brain.

Luckily I don't think Jaz and I had any brain cells left to fry so we were not damaged like she was.

One night the band at the bar didn't turn up so Jaz and I took our guitars and played for the dozen or so drinkers and Bianca said we were good and should try the larger venue in the next town, which was a lot bigger. Emmett decided this life was more fun than his so he quit college and came to live with us permanently. He played guitar so Jaz decided to buy a set of drums and teach himself to play. He was awesome. Really loud.

We got a gig five nights a week and stopped working at the bar. Jaz still managed to get us some pills now and then.

Bella decided she was our manager so she made the bookings and one day, about three years after we arrived, I came home to find the house spotless, the chickens outside in the chicken coop, food cooked on the table..a proper meal for the first time in about a year or two, and Bella announced things were changing.

She was pregnant again. Who knew those implants had to be replaced every three years? Not us. I am sure the monster who put that piece of plastic in her arm told her but she forgot.

Jaz and I were banned from smoking in the house or near Bella. She started eating only organic food and threw out our latest batch of pills, saying her child was not living with a bunch of druggies.

Alice and Rose had finished their fashion whatever stupid course and were working so now they only stayed about one weekend a month. I really thought Jaz would start fucking around but it was Emmett, my own brother, who slipped.

Bella was furious and threatened to tell Rose.

Poor Emmett had made the mistake of bringing the girl back here for the night so Bella threw them both out into the yard.

I don't know if Em stopped seeing her but he never brought her to the house again.

Bella looked fantastic, being pregnant. The baby was due at the end of the year and my money would be available by then so we decided to move to the city. Jaz sold the farmhouse and we found a big open loft apartment in the old industrial part of Seattle and bought it between us.

I had another advance from Carlisle for my share, and we got a great gig just down the road. I gave up the smokes seeing Bella was so rabid about smoking near the baby.

We were finally getting our shit together. I decided to ask Bella to marry me.

I booked us into a nice restaurant and hid the engagement ring in her champagne glass then wondered if she would choke on it so I took it back out and just held it in my hand.

Bella met me there, she had been shopping for the baby though she hadn't bought much as she was booked in for her scan and wanted to wait until she knew whether to buy pink or blue.

"Hi, Edward, wait until you see what I bought! Alice is going to flip when she sees the baby clothes shops here. I swear this baby will have more clothes than a small country once Alice sees what's available now."

"Bella, you look ravishing as always" I murmured as I pulled out her chair and sat her down.

I got down on one knee and a hush fell over the restaurant.

I felt like the star attraction but they only person I noticed was my beautiful Bella so I took her hand.

"Bella, would you do me the honor of being my wife? I promise to give you a way better life than we have had to this point, if you will just let me try."

She smiled her old Bella smile that I loved and she nodded her head and said "Yes."

I slid the ring on her finger and kissed her hand.

The patrons broke into applause.

"Edward, do we always have to have an audience at key points in our life?" she laughed.

"It would seem so."

I sat close beside her, pulling my chair to touch hers like I had done years ago at high school.

"We have been a little lost, and now we are found again" I stated.

"Yeah, too many years of too many smokes of Jasper's, I would say" she laughed."It's all behind us now. Things are going our way finally. Tomorrow we find out what sex the nudger is, and our new lives begin. What do you think it is, boy or girl?"

I placed my hand on her belly.

"I have no preference at all. Just let it be healthy and let it be ours to keep."

"I want to tell Esme soon. We should, Edward. I hold a grudge against Charlie and Carlisle and even Renee but Esme never did anything wrong."

I smiled but I always felt my mother could have saved us. Had she stood up to my father and threatened to divorce him, say, unless he made Charlie back off and leave us to raise our own Elizabeth ourselves, Mom could have let us live in the house with her and dad. Just until we got on our feet. I would have finished doing my medical degree and Bella would have made a wonderful mother even at sixteen, especially with Mom to guide her and teach her but she never even tried. Nobody fought for us. Nobody was on our side, and it nearly had killed us both. The wasted years, in more ways than one, the years we wasted being off our faces, they would never have happened. Our baby would have his or her big sister waiting for the arrival, and we would be an honest to God proper family. As much as I hoped it would be otherwise, I still felt while Elizabeth was gone, we would never manage to feel like a family.

But the new baby was a new chance and I had to believe it would work out this time.

"Come with me tomorrow. I want to see your face when they tell us the gender."

"Of course. I belong at the side of my fiancee" I answered, kissing her hand.

That night I lay behind Bella and circled my arms in their usual place, hands on belly.

The baby kicked gently against me and I fell asleep with real hope for our future.

x x x x

"Okay, Ms Swan/Cullen, just a little bit cold"

The woman squeezed gel onto Bella's belly and we smiled at each other and I held her hand and rubbed her new engagement ring.

Finally mine officially.

We watched in amazement was the baby appeared on the monitor. Big head, curved body, limbs everywhere, heart beating in its chest.

The operator took a while checking everything out and Bella got impatient.

"Make a guess, Edward."

I pretended to think and looked around the room until I was looking at the technician .

"Boy?" I mouthed at her.

She nodded her head but the look on her face chilled me.

"I am just going to get the doctor to check a few things" she said and hastily left the room.

"Come on, Edward. Just guess. You may be right for once in your life, you never know" joked Bella.

"Ah, boy" I said, trying to hide the fear that was clawing into my intestines. This was one of those fucking moments..the finding out your girl is fifteen, and finding out she is pregnant, and finding out they are taking away your baby moments.

My hands shook and I nearly threw up. "What's wrong?"Bella asked in alarm.

"I want to get out of here. I don't like it. Come on." I pulled the paper dress away , ripping it off her, and wiped her belly gently.

I have to get this baby away before they tell us.

If we don't know, it won't happen.

The door opened and there we were, Bella naked, disrobed of her paper gown. Me trying to save us, them standing there like Carlisle and Charlie, about to destroy us again.

"Don't speak" I ordered them.

I pulled Bella behind me and took a defensive stance.

"Don't say a single fucking word" I ordered again.

"Edward, tell me what's wrong."

"They are going to kill us, Bella. They are fucking working for the universe that hates us and they are about to give us a death sentence. We have to go."

I pulled her close and tried to push past them, to take my Bella away.

The doctor grabbed my arm and I collapsed on the floor, weeping and holding my hands to my eyes.

"Not again, not again, not again." I chanted.

"Have you lost a child to heart malformation before?" asked the technician. "it isn't on the chart" She frowned as she glanced quickly, scanning the words written there.

Bella sat on the bed and said one word.

"No."

"I'm sorry, but the way the heart has malformed, there's nothing we can do. It would be best to terminate.."

"No" repeated Bella, standing up and walking to the room where her clothes were. She pulled them on and looked at me.

"No,no,no,no,FUCKING no. NOT happening."

We lived a game of pretend that never happened until six weeks later when Bella went into pre term labor.

She refused to go to the hospital until the very end and we watched them take our little son away to wash and dress so we would have "some happy memories.".

Guess what, there are none.

Bella switched off and refused to look at the baby.

I took her home again and we lay in our bed beside each other and felt the fucking great hole between us widen and widen during the rest of the night.

.

Bella changed after that and although she remained our manager, now we actually needed managing, she no longer slept in my bed and she met up with Jacob Black and invited him to join the band. She didn't even have the manners to ask us, and she insisted Jake was just what we needed to make our new sound perfect.

The worst thing was, she was right.

She looked right through me when I tried to speak to her, like I was some fucking ghost or something.

I was spiralling downwards without her to prop me up and soon my constant companion was a bottle of Jack ,and Jaz made us his smokes again.

Bella declared us a bunch of losers and moved out, not that she was ever there anyway.

Emm was the first one to bring a fangirl home. She was quite sexy and I missed Bella's warm body so after Emmett was done with her, I took her in my bed.

I wanted to feel something. Anything would do.

Hate, loathing, pain, whatever. I didn't care but I could not just be nothing.

I didn't want to be invisible.

These girls saw me and screamed my name when I sang, so I wanted them to scream my name in my bed and show me I was there.

Emm insisted we had to use condoms, all the fucking time.

Things kind of progressed until Emm and I were competing to see who could bring the most fans home and Bella started to get pretty angry at us and she told Rose, who kicked the living daylights out of Emmett and he ended up in hospital.

He gave the girls up and Rose got a job closer to home and lived with us permanently.

She blamed me entirely for Emmett's downfall, which was so unfair. I felt like snubbing my nose at her and saying "He started it" like I used to when we were kids and I wanted to get Emm in trouble with ..the monster.

Bella still treated me like I was invisible and it started to really piss me off. I knew she had moved on and had a great life, Jake in her bed whenever she wanted, so I made sure to flaunt my many fans in her face.

She just didn't fucking care.

I was searching every night for someone who would see me and make me be able to see myself .They all looked the same, they all felt like nothing and made me feel like I was somewhere else.

I was getting frantic, what if I wasn't real any more?

I tried to make Bella see me.

I spoke to her in the bad way that had made her mad at high school when we first spoke. At least back then she knew I was a person, not a ghost.

She was getting hard, and wasn't my Bella anymore. I even missed Crazy Bella and her chickens. She was nicer than hard bitch Bella.

When Bella decided I had to be brought into line and ordered me to find myself a fuckbuddy and cut down on the ho's, I ran into Lauren, from our old high school . I was pretty sure Bella hated her so I offered her the job as my new companion and she accepted, thrilled to actually know someone from back then, who was making their mark on the world.

Emmett was having some problems with his drinking again, and Jaz was permanently stoned, but we managed to make music and that was all anybody cared about now. Jacob carried us at times and picked up my slack.

One night, Lauren put black make up on my face and I decided I liked it. I looked kind of dead and decaying. The fans loved it so some nights I wore it, sometimes I hated it and refused. We hired Lauren's friend Jess and her husband or whatever the fuck he is, Mike. Jess was a make up artist and had done several beauty courses, whatever they were. Mike was a sound technician and he improved the quality of our sound amazingly.

Then Aro, a sort of second in charge organizer, semi manager,part director joined us and we got a lot more serious about our sound. Soon after, we hit the big time and the money started rolling in. Out for drinks on my 25th birthday, I laughed til I cried when I got a text from my monster father, telling me my trust fund was now available to me.

Now that it was no fucking good to me because we had more money than God, seven years and one month after they took our daughter away, I lost it. I slapped Lauren to the ground when she tried to touch my hair and put a bandanna on me..what the fuck! Do I fucking look like Willie Nelson?

Soon after, I met Tanya, another empty headed tart, but if she annoyed Bella, it was all good.

If she could make Bella see me, look at me, then it would be so worth the empty fucking she demanded of me.

It meant nothing. It was nothing. Like me.

An empty black abyss of despair.


	6. Chapter 6

Black

Chapter 6

Reasons To Believe

BPOV

"Bellaaa!"

"Hello, Alice, come in. What's up?"

I reached my arms out to my Godson Ace and Alice happily handed her little man over to me.

"I want to plan a wedding!" she squealed excitedly.

"I hate to burst your bubble but you are married already. To Jasper. Tall black haired guy, plays the drums in Black."

"Not my wedding, yours!"

"Um,I am not getting married. Like, ever. You know that."

"Oh no, you turned him down?" she said suddenly subdued and serious.

"Turned who down? I presume you mean Jake. He hasn't asked me in, what, over a year."

"But he was going to ask you last night. Rose and I saw the ring. He was taking you to dinner to propose."

I sat down and let Ace slide to the floor, where he immediately ran over to the toybox I kept topped up with new toys and games for him to play with when he visited.

I liked having a toybox. Secretly I loved when a stranger called and saw the box and assumed I had kids.

I do have a child,somewhere and she is acknowledged every day by me, her mother. I have her baby photos neatly framed and displayed on my wall. I have other photos too. Of her brother.

"We didn't end up going out to dinner" I explained. "Edward was on another bender and had to be taken into casualty and have his stomach pumped, again."

"Why did you have to be there? It's not like that isn't a regular event. You always go with him. Why do you bother?"

"I'm his manager, It's my job."

"It's not your job on your one night off, when your boyfriend was going to propose. Was Jake pissed off?"

"No, you know how Jacob is. He is so sweet. He understands."

"What's to understand?"

"That I have to keep Edward alive. It's my job."

"Sometimes I really wonder why you bother with him. Look at your degrees, you could move away with Jake and have a normal life with a career and a husband and a home and you stay here, even though I know you are not happy.

Do you actually love Jake at all,Bella? Because sometimes, looking in from the outside, it's like he is your big brother or something. He rescues you every time you need him, he is always there. But there isn't that spark. Why do you stay with him?"

"Alice, imagine your life was so very wrong and fucked up and you felt like you were one tiny, tiny step away from jumping off a cliff and one day it just became too tempting, so you did it. You fell down into the murky cold and got tossed about by the waves and you couldn't tell where the sky was, which way was up even and you just wanted to die.

That's where I was when Jake stepped in and saved me, pulled me to the shore. Dried me off, offered me a new option. I took it. Staying with Edward was jumping back into the water, Jake offered me dry land, firm ground to walk on, sanity. I needed sanity, I needed to find myself again and become normal, because,let's face it, my life had never been normal since the day I met Edward."

"Yes but we all knew, you always liked different."

"I know, but how many times does the universe have to slap you down and step on you like a bug, before you learn you are on the wrong path? I think I had enough clues."

"Do you think Elizabeth and Edan were clues?" said Alice, walking over to stroke her finger across the photos of my son, small and pale, dressed in blue.

"Of course they were. Clues Edward and I were not going to ever be allowed to be parents. Losing one child, it happens. But two, Alice? The only two we had? We were not meant to parent and we were not meant to be together this life. I hope...."

"You hope what?"

"It's silly, doesn't matter."

"No, tell me. Please."

"I hope we will be together in another life and it will all go properly and we will be older and married when Elizabeth is born and Edan will be born with a perfectly formed heart and we will be one of those normal families nobody even notices because that's what normal families are. Too normal to notice. No drama, no dead babies, no baby stolen off you and taken out of your life forever for the crime of being sixteen. It's so wrong, Alice. We could have raised her. With just a little help, we could have managed. Jasper even offered to bankroll us, did you know? He rang Carlisle and Charlie and told them he was happy to pay for anything Elizabeth would need for as long as we needed him to. It didn't make any difference of course, but I will always remember that because it felt like Jasper was the only one on our side. I know you and Rose would have helped me and that's the thing I hate, we know we would have coped and managed.

If Edward had not taken me back and Charlie had never known about the baby, by the time he found out it would have been too late for him to arrange everything. We could have kept her a secret from him for years. It wasn't like he ever came here."

"Bella, its all in the past. Do you think you will ever let it go?"

"How can I? I let it go, and I let Elizabeth go. It was different with Edan, he died. He wasn't torn from our arms by people we loved and trusted. He was born sick and he died at birth. I hope we didn't kill him, Alice. but it felt like we did. All that smoking we did before we knew I was pregnant. I just felt like we killed him because we didn't give him a chance to be born healthy. We let both our children down."

"Bella, you fought for them both. We know how much you wanted to keep Elizabeth and how much you wanted Edan."

"Just wanting isn't enough sometimes."

"He looks so normal and healthy in these photos. Did he look okay really?"

"I went back the next day and saw him. He was really little, he was only three pounds. He still had a lot more growing to do but he gave up. I guess he knew we weren't worthy of him."

"You were, sweetie. You two deserved a healthy baby. Life can be so cruel and unfair sometimes."

"Well, we paid the price."

"Way too higher price I would 't make you want to make things work with Jake and have a baby with him?"

"God, no, Alice. That would be so wrong."

"Why?"

"Because, it just would . I wouldn't ever want a baby that wasn't Edward's."

"Bella, do you still love Edward?"

I snorted at her.

"Of course I love Edward. He is the only person I have ever loved apart from our children. I will never feel one tenth, one hundreth, of what I feel for Edward, for Jake."

"Isn't that unfair? Jake thinks you love him and it's just marriage you are scared of."

"Why would I be scared of marriage? I said yes to Edward when he asked me. I didn't even have to think about it. I have no problems with marriage if it's to the right guy."

"God, you are so hard to understand. You love Edward and he loves you and don't even pretend he doesn't, yet you practically live with Jake, like a wife, you sleep with him, you let everyone see you as a couple, but you don't love him. That's just as fucked up as what Edward does. At least he doesn't pretend he wants more than sex from his women. Why don't you two just be together and let everyone else get on with their lives?"

"I guess I should let Jake go. I really thought Jake had accepted we were only friends with benefits. I had no clue he was still thinking of us getting married. Damn him, Alice. Now he has spoiled everything."

"What exactly was there to be spoiled? Your cover? The fact you are using him to pretend you are part of a couple? Why don't you try being alone and see how you like it? It has to be better than deception and using a good man."

"Well, I hope someone will be there for Jake when I break up with him. Tonight, I guess, would be best."

"Now we just need Edward to face his demons and come to his senses and get rid of Tanya the has lasted a lot longer than we expected. What's it been, six months now?"

"Yeah, about that. Maybe Edward loves her."

Yes, or maybe Edward is really Lady Gaga in disguise, because that is as likely as him loving anyone but you."

"People move on, Alice. The lucky ones get to move on."

I grabbed for my cell phone as it buzzed. Shit, this had better not be another Edward based drama.

We had all talked and agreed to give Edward six months to pull himself together. He did well at first, attended rehearsals, did encores, played the entire time booked instead of disappearing mid show, but it hadn't lasted. He had not brought fans backstage any more but he did seem to be trying to make something work with Tanya.

His drinking was out of control again. A common problem.

I answered my phone.

"Tanya?" I said in surprise. I don't think she has ever rung me before.

Alice handed Ace a cookie and moved closer, to listen in.

"You are where? Shit no. Does Edward know? For God's sake, do not tell him. He isn't answering his phone because he was in casualty again last night with his usual problem. Okay, Alice is here, but we can come get you. Sit tight. What's the name of the clinic? On the corner of Main and Stark Streets? Right. We will be there in five minutes."

I snapped my phone shut.

"Tanya needs a ride. She tried ringing Edward and he didn't answer."

"What type of clinic is she at?" said Alice, slowly.

"A planned parenthood center. She had a termination."

"Shit. Does Edward know?"

"She says not."

"He will go apeshit."

"No, Alice. he will be crushed. I can handle apeshit Edward, I can't handle broken Edward."

We strapped Ace into his carseat and went to the clinic. Tanya was standing on the side of the road, waiting.

"Thanks, Bella. I hate clinics."

"Have you been there before?" asked Alice, catching my eye.

"Yeah, a few times."

"You have heard of contraception? You know, things that prevent you having to go to those clinics?"

"Oh, I can't take the Pill. It makes me fat."

"Oh, way better having terminations than putting on a little weight" said Alice, dangerously sarcastic.

The shit is about to hit the fan.

"Let's just calm down. Tanya, we need to get something done. Do you and Edward plan to ever have kids?"I asked, half afraid of the answer.

"God no. He doesn't want to. Neither do I. They're nasty little damp things"

The nasty little damp thing in the carseat smiled at her.

Alice was bristling at the insult towards her child. It was toward any and all children, but Alice thinks Ace is the most amazing human there is, so you have to be very careful how you phrase things around her.

"Did Edward send you to the clinic today?"

"No, but I figured he would send me sometime and I didn't have anything else to do today. No gym or yoga, my hair is being bleached tomorrow, I have dress fittings all next week."

"What sort of dress fittings. Are you getting married?"

"God no. My new costumes for work. I am pole dancing too, now."

"Of course. That would require costumes" agreed Alice.

"How about we make an appointment for you to get an implant? You don't have to take any pills and you lose weight with them" I lied.

"Really? I would love to lose weight. Can we go today?"

"I think maybe you need to recover from your.. procedure. But you can't use abortions as a means of contraception. It's dangerous and stupid."

"Not to mention, murder" added Alice.

"Sssh. Stop it, Alice. So, I can get you booked in next week? It will be fun. Alice and I can go with you and maybe we can go for coffee afterwards?"

Anything to get this girl made infertile.

"I am going to have real sugar in my coffee." Tanya announced.

I raised my eyebrows at Alice.

None of us can understand how he tolerates Tanya. Maybe he gags her and doesn't allow her to talk. Edward always has such highbrow conversations and loves debating any point of view about anything. Tanya is almost smart enough to tie her own shoelaces. Not a good match. But it's worked for six months so who am I to judge?

"Tanya, Alice and I think maybe it would be best if you don't tell anyone where you were today, okay? Edward will still be feeling pretty bad and he needs to rest and not stress, so how about we keep this between us girls?"

"Like a sister secret?"

"Yes, that's it. A sister secret."

"Okay, I won't tell Edward or anyone where we went."

I cringed at the 'we' but good enough.

Tanya skipped into Edward's apartment and I walked in behind, just to make sure he was back and not drinking.

He usually gave up the booze for a while after a stomach pumping but he has been slipping so much lately.

Tanya opened the door and we walked in. Edward was sitting in front of the huge flatscreen, watching some movie. He looked up at Tanya then his eyes slid to me, and he grimaced. His usual greeting.

"Where have you two been?" he asked.

Shit. What lie to quickly make up?

"I went to an abortion clinic but Bella doesn't want me to tell you where it is."

I could not believe my ears. This girl was seriously demented and it was a blessing she wasn't breeding, really.

Edward sat completely still.

Not good.

"You took Tanya to an....to a clinic?" he asked in a very calm voice. That's never a good sign.

"No, Tanya rang me and told me she had been there and needed a lift home because your phone is off."

"Did you know she was going there?"

"Of course not, or I would have done something. Managed it, like I manage all your fallout."

"Tanya, I need you to do something for me. Pack all your clothes and shoes and everything you own and get the fuck out of here." He roared by the end of the sentence.

"Why, Eddie? I like living here."

I phoned Emmett, who lives in the same building thank God and he appeared at the door before Edward got within a foot of Tanya.

"Grab him, Em. Now. He may kill her."

I grabbed Tanya and whisked her back into Alice's car.

"Get us out of here now, she told him."

Alice didn't need any further explanation.

"Where can we hide you, Tanya? Where does your sister live?"

"New York. But I want to stay with Edward."

"That's not an option any more. Edward is not taking your news well. I told you not to tell him. He will probably hurt you very badly if he sees you again, understand? We don't want that, do we?"

Alice drove us to the airport and I bought Tanya a ticket to NY and handed her a wad of notes.

"I will pack your clothes and stuff and send them on. Tanya, really listen. Don't come back. Don't try and see Edward again. Don't ring him or email him or go to his concerts. Okay? He will kill you. I am serious. He has lost too much already. You should have told him you were pregnant. Really, you should have. He would not have sent you to that clinic. Edward would never hurt a child. He would have wanted that baby."

"Really?" she said, astonished.

"Really."

"But he said he didn't want any kids."

"Yes, I know. But he didn't mean, if you got pregnant, get rid of it. He meant, he didn't plan to have any kids. It would have been okay if you had just told him you were pregnant. He would have been happy, even."

Edward had not hesitated to accept our two unplanned pregnancies. His reaction both times was to want to marry me before the births. And he would have accepted Tanya's. He may have even seen it as a new start. Married her. She has no idea how close she came to having more than she ever dreamed possible.

I led her to the lounge to wait and watched her board the plane.

Alice was shopping at the airport stores and had a dozen bags in one hand and was pushing the buggy with a sleeping Ace, with the other.

"Coffee?" she chirped.

We sat and relaxed for a few minutes,before we worried about what we would find back at Edward's.

"Nasty woman." commented Alice.

"She was just simple and ignorant. She told me every other man who knocked her up sent her straight to a clinic. She just did what she always had to solve what she saw as a problem. God, I hope Edward is handling this better than we are imagining."

"What are the chances of that?" she replied.

"Slim".

x x x x x x x

Alice dropped me at home, and took her grumpy but gorgeous baby home to feed and bathe and try and settle after our unexpected outings.

I showered and changed into sweats and a hoodie so I would be comfortable during this long night ahead. I drove back and found Tanya's clothes scattered all around the yard. The building manager was cursing and complaining so I asked him for a couple of plastic bin liners and started collecting clothing and shoes and designer purses. I saw a young girl grab one black purse and run off with it so I pretended not to notice.

I stacked them into my trunk then went up the elevator and knocked on Edward's door.

"He has been sedated." said Emmett.

"Good. I can stay with him tonight, if you want."

"Great. You know Rose's rule, I spend one night anywhere but in bed with her and she cuts certain parts of me off. No exceptions."

"Harsh" I said, not meaning it. Emm needed rules so he knew how to behave properly.

After he left, I wandered around, checking on a sleeping Edward, looking around the luxury apartment. He had some nice stuff.

I thought I heard him call out so I quickly went back to his bedroom.

He was still asleep but he was restless and writhing in his bed so I sat beside him and placed my palm on his back and he settled.

I took it away to go make a coffee and he started to moan and cry out in his sleep so it looked like I was stuck here. I lay beside him and kept one part of me touching his body at all times, switching his television on and muting the sound, for something to help me pass my time trapped beside Edward.

I looked at his face, so much younger looking as he slept. He was way too thin, and his color was pretty horrible, his skin yellowish, and large dark bags under his eyes. He was definitely killing himself. Trying hard, anyway, and he will succeed if he doesn't pull himself together.

How will be survive this latest loss? I think he is all out of survival skills by now.

He reached out and grabbed me, pulling him beside him, close to his body, molding me against him.

He smelled the same as he always had. A tint of the sweet odour of Jaz's smokes, the usual manly hint of outdoors, the unique scent that is Edward.

He probably thinks I am Tanya so I hope he doesn't try anything.

He nuzzled my neck.

"Bella" he mumbled and gripped me tightly.

I hoped he was going to ease up and let me breathe.

He soon settled into a gentler hold and I drifted off, warm in his arms.

x x x x x x

APOV

"Hello"

"Oh Jake. No, she is probably at Edward's. Oh, you know how it is, another drama. No, I think she may be planning on sleeping there tonight. She must have forgotten to ring you. Sorry, Jake."

"Before you go, Jake,I feel I should tell you. She isn't on the same page as you , honey. I am sorry, but she belongs to Edward and it won't change. They may never get each other back but I would move on if I were you. I am only saying this because I like you and you deserve better treatment. She just doesn't realize what it is like for you, Jake. You saved her, and she thinks she is doing the sensible thing, choosing you. She knows you love her but it's always been him. You know that. Bye, honey."

"What's going on, Alice?" asked my husband.

"Edward is having another meltdown. That stupid bitch Tanya had a termination today and told Edward after the event. We got her out of there and Bella put her on a plane to NY and warned her to stay away from him from now on but he will be shattered again. Bella is right, the universe has it in for them both. It is unfair, Jaz. She blames herself for Edan having the bad heart, you know. All your darn smokes. Maybe we were just lucky with Ace. I think you need to give them up before we try for another baby."

"That sounds reasonable. I have been a little overdoing it lately. Edward has us all on tenterhooks, waiting for the other shoe to drop."

"I think it dropped today."

x x x x x x

EPOV

In my dreams, Bella was safe in my arms and it was so real I could feel her and smell her and her soft breath washed over my face. I smiled in my sleep and held her tighter. She was the only real person I have ever been with, the other women were all strange and cold to touch and didn't have that buzz like I felt when I held Bella. I think she is the only person I have known with a soul. That must explain it.

I let my mind wander back to when we met, how we fell in love, how we faced so many obstacles so young. I feel Elizabeth around me when I sit at my piano, which is funny because I thought Bella was insane when she used to insist Elizabeth was living in the farmhouse with us. Maybe she was, in one way. Maybe it was the essence of Elizabeth, the part Bella refused to let go of.

Maybe because we were meant to be together, as a family, Elizabeth can't let go of us either. Maybe part of her wanted to stay.

The photos we have are the only link. I hired a private detective years ago to trace her, as soon as the money started flowing in. I wanted to contact the new parents and ask for a photo or some news or anything.

Anything I could give to Bella.

We survive and any stranger would assume Bella and I hate each other but it's deeper than that. We hate the universe and what it did to us, not each other. We hate that we can't be together, that karma decided to punish us for sleeping together when she was underage. That every single time we found some source of happiness, it was snatched away.

Its like a pauper looking at a wonderful, shiny, diamond ring. He says he doesn't like diamonds anyway, but really he hates that he can't have it.

I must ring my Mom. Dad is away a lot now and she gets lonely. I have forgiven her part in the abduction of our daughter, I guess Carlisle has always been a hard man to challenge and win. She did plead our case to him but he was so sure I would go off the rails if we got married and kept the baby. He thought by taking that baby away, we would go back to college and forget she existed and go on with our lives as they should have been.

He was so wrong. Elizabeth would have given me a reason to train to be a doctor and grow up fast and toe the line. Taking her away had the opposite effect. I didn't want a career any more, I didn't care about college, I just cared about Bella and I surviving and staying together so everything else became unimportant. How ironic for Carlisle.

In many ways, our happiest time post Elizabeth, was the years in Jasper's farmhouse.

Bella really loved her chickens and she was so excited when we let the rooster have his way with one of the hens and she got to raise a new batch of chicks. Jaz and I thought we were raising them to eat at maturity but there was no way Bella was letting us eat her pets. They all had names and it frustrated her that Jaz and I thought they all looked alike.

"NO, Edward, that one is Priscilla, not Daphne. Daphne has the longer beak"

I mean, how obvious, had I measured all their beaks I would have recognized Priscilla and Daphne straight off. Who wouldn't?

Half of them slept perched on chairs and window frames in our bedroom. I used to open one eye in the mornings and be greeted by many beady little black eyes, watching me.

I would pull the covers over my head and reach for Bella and keep us both fully hidden from the 'girls' who didn't even leave when we were having sex. No manners at all, those birds.

Sex was always great with Bella but in the farmhouse, she was relaxed because she knew she had the implant and was thus safe so she was totally demanding and completely uninhibited. Usually her screams of ecstasy would scare the girls away, it was hilarious,I warned them they should leave the room in advance but they never listened and then they would run about clucking and waving their wings when Bella got too loud for them.

It was a mad and crazy life and in many ways, we should have stayed there. We would still have lost our son but maybe we would have tried again and we would definitely have been there for each other because that's how we were, there. It was just us. Jaz was just the other guy who lived with us and rolled the smokes. Everything was about us.

It's funny how you think being rich and famous will be amazing, and yet its mediocre at best. None of those screaming people know us, even the ones who visited my bed were nameless and faceless and I never knew until they told me, when the same girl made a second or third visit. How would I know, I named them all the same name. I called them Notbella.

When one would say "Remember me, I am Whatever, I was with you in Dallas, last Spring?" I would shrug and wonder if they truly thought it meant anything at all to me.

They were just girls I was searching through, trying to find someone I could connect with, or at least make me feel something.

I know now what I was doing was insane and so wrong and I abused every single one of them because I allowed their ridiculous hero-worshipping to blind them to what they thought they wanted. They didn't know me, Edward Cullen, father of two, lover of one woman, they saw some famous singer that somehow falsely raised their self image by sleeping with them.

It took a horrendous experience to wake me up and stop me. I was looking to see which ones I would have back later in my room and I caught a look on Bella's face. It wasn't her usual angry, impatient, resigned look, or her disgusted, tired, pissed off face, it was a flash of betrayal.

It shook me to my inner core and I went offstage and told the bouncers to keep all girls away from the back from then on.

I tried to make something out of the empty meaningless 'relationship' with Tanya and I actually thought I was maybe beginning to pre like her, like one day I may like her, a little at least, then she went and did....something....it's on the edge of my mind. I know I am angry and hurt and ....I cannot put my finger on what she did..something bad.....horrible...

I start to waken and I hear an angel's voice comforting me.

"It's okay now, Edward. She is gone. I am so sorry, I didn't know, I swear. I would have stopped her, explained you love babies and you would want hers."

Babies. I have babies. I have Elizabeth and a little son with no name.

Bella went to his funeral but I didn't. I couldn't. I never spoke of him again and I stopped Bella every time she started to talk about him. What was the point of words? They don't change anything.

The angel is still talking so I listen.

"Don't think of it as lost, think of it as being with Edan. They are brothers, they can play together and look after each other. Edan is old enough now to be a good big brother to the little lost baby. They will be friends like Emmett and you."

I don't know who she is talking about. Who is Edan? I have to ask her,maybe she can hear me. Maybe I am someone here in Heaven. Am I dead, then? It's okay, I can handle being dead.

Dying is easy. Living is hard.

"Who is Edan?" I ask.

I hear the bed squeak and the angel runs away, and she is crying.

"Edan is your son. ED-ward AN-thony junior."

The black is back.

I slip into it, but I carefully wrap her words in gossamer and slip them inside my heart so I can keep them with me.

I struggle to open my eyes.

Next time I come close to the surface, the room is bright and the sun is searching for me.

Emmett is sitting on the end of my bed.

"Good morning bro. You look pretty crap. Gonna get up today or lay in bed like some Princess?"

I throw a pillow at him.

"What? Did you prefer your night nurse? Did she heal you?"

He laughs and I sit up and look at him.

"My night nurse?"

"Bella babysat you all freaking night, didn't you know? She came knocking on my door and told me she had to go home half an hour ago. Looked like she had been crying. She said she was okay."

I lay back and thought about last night.

The warm body.

The angel.

Bella.

Edan. Edward Anthony jnr. He did have a name.

I feel warm and happy knowing that.

x x x x x x x


	7. Chapter 7

**WARNING..unsuccessful suicide attempt, yes, you all saw that coming.**

Black

Chapter 7

Blacker/Whiter

BPOV

Back at my apartment, I busied myself cleaning and cooking and freezing meals that I will probably never thaw and eat but I have to do something, be busy.

Times like this I feel like my control is slipping away and if it goes, I will just be a ball of screaming agony so I have to distract myself. Laundry, I can wash clothes. That will take time. I walk to the hamper and a single pair of underwear sit there. My clothes from yesterday, they must be dirty. I find them on my bedroom floor and I strip the linens off my bed and pillows. See, lots of laundry to do.

The machine is washing and I critically inspect my floors, which are spotless. Hell. What else? What else?

I have vacuumed, polished, washed, dusted, made the bed with clean sheets. The windows shine and mock my desperation.

I can't sit still.

I know, I will go to the supermarket.

My cupboards groan with groceries but maybe Edward needs some.

I didn't think to check when I was there.

I push my shopping cart around and add everything I know he used to like. I wonder if Tanya ever cooked for him. Pop tarts. We used to eat pop tarts on the farm.

I start to calm down just thinking about the farm. I loved it there and was sorry when we sold it and moved to the city but the boys had to try and see if their band was good, and it was.

Jake is filling in as lead singer until Edward feels up to it again.

Jake.

Shit.

I forgot all about Jake.

I am such a complete bitch.

I pay for the food and stack the bags into my car.

As soon as I drop this stuff at Edward's I will go find Jake and apologize.

Emmett and Rose are about to get in their car but they help me get all the groceries up to Edwards. He must be asleep again.

Rose stacks the cold stuff into his enormous fridge and I stack the cans and packets in his pantry. There is no food at all in here. He must eat out every single meal. I open the bread bin and am confronted by two bottles of Jack.

I put them into the empty grocery sack and start looking for more bottles.

I have eight already and spy something off about the way his drapes fall across the biggest window.

Aha, four more bottles, sitting along the window sill behind the drapes.

Emmett is going to ask Edward if he wants anything to eat.

I spy an cushion sitting awkwardly and grab the bottle from under it, holding it up to show Rose, who had five bottles in her arms.

"Bingo! Another one!" I crow.

I found way more than she did.

"Oh Jesus! Mother of God. Rose, call an ambulance! Now! Fucking hell!" Emmett's terrified voice stills us both.

I drop the bottle and run for the bedroom.

"Stay out. It's bad. Bella, get the fuck out of here."

I push past him and drop to my knees beside Edward, who is so pale his skin shines gray.

Blood is everywhere and the gaping holes in his wrists have Emmett's large hands gripping them tightly for dear life.

"Save him, Emmett" I plea.

"I can't save him. He doesn't want to be saved."

"Save him" I repeat.

The paramedics push me aside and take charge and finally Emmett has to release his brothers wrists and they tape the wounds shut.

Nobody wastes time asking what happened, it's clear.

Edward wanted out.

The final blow had returned to his consciousness and he has grabbed the only way of coping left.

I ran beside the stretcher and tried to climb into the ambulance.

"Sit in the front, we need to try and maintain him in here" one of the two men says.

The driver grabs me and pushes me into the passenger seat and straps me in, then runs to his door and we streak through the traffic, sirens and lights blaring.

Doctors, nurses, people everywhere, rushing, grabbing, taking Edward away from me.

I sit on the floor until Emmett and Rose run in. Emmett picks me up as if I were Ace, and throws me over his shoulder, walking to the front desk.

"My brother. Edward Cullen. Is he alive?"

Several waiting patients gasp at his words.

I know this will be on the television in minutes from now, but I don't care and I lay limp in Emmett's hold.

He sits me on the desk and I ignore the stares.

Suddenly a man in a suit approaches and ushers us to a room at the back.

"This is my office, please make yourselves at home."

"Is he dead?' asks Emmett, leaning over the desk and staring threateningly at the poor man.

"No, no, not dead. Close, but we have transfused several pints of blood and he is alive. Just."

"Can we see him?"

"No, not yet. We had to restart his heart several times. He is already pretty weak from his..other problems."

"What other problems?" demands Emmett.

"Are you a relative? Spouse?" he looks hopefully at Rose and I.

"I'm his wife" I state firmly.

"Then I can tell you. Your husband has weakening to his heart from his former drug abuse. His drinking is killing him. He has merely hastened the inevitable today, unless he stops all the drugs, and alcohol is a drug, make no mistake. Legality doesn't change it's ability to damage like any other drug."

"What can we do?" I ask.

"If, and it's a big if, he survives today, he needs to be admitted to rehab immediately and to stay until his problems are under control. He has to want this, or there is no point."

Shit, there's the rub. Does Edward want to be saved?

Today's actions seem to say a big No.

He waited until Emmett and Rose left, before he did it. He didn't think anyone would come and save him. Nobody was due to come back until I was supposed to take him lunch at one o'clock so he did this thinking he had hours alone.

This was no cry for help.

Hours later, a nurse comes and leads me to his bedside and I sit and silently look at the man that I love as he hovers between going to be with his sons and staying with us.

I have to do something.

All I can do is be there for him.

Take him back.

Be his wife.

He has to have something to live for.

I just hope I can be enough. That he still wants us back again.

My pride and the part of my brain that is screaming No, he will kill you ,too, has to be ignored.

Emmett has rung Carlisle and Esme and they are flying here.

He and Rose have gone to clean up the blood so Esme doesn't have to see what her son did.

When Emmett returns, he sits beside me. Rose hands me a milky coffee and insists I drink it.

I sip and my stomach heaves.

Rose rubs my back and tries to calm me down.

After a few minutes, I sip again and it is better.

"He left this." says Emmett, showing me a page of musical notes and lyrics.

One line has been highlighted, in...blood?

**I am so lonely I was better off when I was dead.**

I sob at the realization I sat and watched and let him reach this point.

"It's not your fault, Bella" Rose assures me.

I know better.

Once upon a time, our fates lay in the hands of Carlisle and Charlie and they let us fall.

Then Fate kicked in and took our son as well.

That left Edward's fate in my hands and I washed them clean of him.

I let him fall.

My desire for some normal overrode my knowledge he needed me more then than at any other time in his life and I left him.

There is no one else to blame because I am the only one who holds the power of life and death over him.

He doesn't care about anyone else like he cares for me.

It's just the facts and now I accept them.

Nothing matters other than Edward getting better and wanting to live.

Not Jake, not pride, not common sense. They all say" Run, fast and far".

I have done that already, now I am back.

"Emmett, you need to go buy the farmhouse back. Pay them anything they ask."

Emmett walks outside, opening his phone.

"We will have to renovate and fix it up" says Rose. "I always hated the little veranda's. Let's rip them off and put in really big, wrap around one's and a garden. There must be a way to replace that crappy dirt with soil and have a flower garden. And you need to paint the whole place. And fix the backdoor. So it actually shuts and doesn't need a brick put behind it to keep it shut."

She is babbling about improvements and colors and fittings and I just look at Edward and know we are going back. Just us two.

Nobody else.

They can fix it up and do what they like but we are living back on the farm.

That's the last place we were happy and had any control. We chose to smoke and this time, we will choose not to.

No booze, no drugs.

Nothing but organic food and fresh air and exercise and ..love.

The most important ingredient.

I am going to face up to the challenge the universe has thrown at me and this time, I am going to win.

I'm going to have a baby and it will be healthy and safe.

Edward and I are going to raise it together, on the farm.

I hope my hens are still there. I miss them, though I guess they will probably be the offspring of the offspring of the offspring many times over by now. How long does a hen live? I have no idea, but there will be new Priscilla''s and Daphne's and Dahlia's.

Our child will not be afraid of the chickens.

My mind is already imagining the life we will lead.

Rose leaves with Emmett, Carlisle comes and tries to say he is taking Edward home and I stand up and tell him that won't be happening. I tell him we are married and I make the decisions now, not him.

I tell him his and Charlie's decision led directly to this tragedy and force him to admit they were wrong.

They should have let us keep our baby.

Things would have worked out so much better if they had admitted we could have done it. Or at least let us try. Esme could have taken over when we made mistakes, we could have been taught and guided and helped, not bullied and had our power taken away.

That is the problem. Edward is still searching for his power.

He thinks I can provide it for him so I will, until he is strong enough to see he can fix himself.

He just needs help, like we did back then.

I will not be my father's daughter and make the decision about what is best for him. I will let him choose and if he chooses me and the farm and the new baby, that is what we will do.

Nobody need bother pointing out the pitfalls, the lost years, the bad decisions, the women, the drugs, the bad stuff, because hey, I already know all that and it's all nothing.

It's gone.

It doesn't matter.

Edward wakes up at 3.12am three days later and I alone am sitting at his bedside.

"Bella" he croaks, his voice dry and broken.

"Edward. How do you feel?"

"Crap."

I offer him a glass of water with a bendy straw and he sips.

He looks at me and I take his hand.

"I'm sorry." he says.

"I know." I reply.

"Your parents are here. Your father wants to take you back to their place. I said No. I said I was your wife and I am not letting him take you away from me."

He smiles at that.

"You are my wife, you always have been." he whispers.

"I know but I think we had better get a celebrant in here as soon as we can and make it legal" I tell him.

"Okay" he says and we smile. It's like we are teenagers again, plotting against our parents.

"I put the necessary forms in three days ago, we can do it today" I suggest.

"Good. I love you" he says, but I knew that. I always knew that.

"As I love you" I reply and he nods at the truth of it.

x x x x x x x

Alice, Rose, Jasper and Emmett all sneak in and stand beside us as we legally tie the knot, like we should have years ago.

We should have done this the minute it became legal for us to marry. We just forgot and got lost.

Carlisle walks in just as it is done.

"What's going on? Edward?"

"We just got married" he answers.

"I thought you were married. Bella said ..."

"I lied" I tell him and smile."It was for your own good."

Too late now, Carlisle, you have no power any more.

Two weeks later Edward is recovered enough to go to Rehab and he grips me tightly in a hug and I kiss his cheek.

"It will be okay. I will be visiting once a week, all they will allow, and I will be getting the farmhouse ready for when you come on home."

He smiles and holds me tight for a minute longer.

"Don't squish the baby" I warn.

"What?"

"Edward, I am sure it's not the first baby conceived in this hospital. The beds are pretty comfy."

He grins and lifts me off the ground, swinging me around in a circle.

Black is still performing, still meeting its obligations. Jake is the lead singer and Aro the sole manager now.

Edward will still write their songs and that's as close to rock and roll as we will be.

Jake and I have had "the Talk" and he kissed me goodbye and said he would always be there for me and I told him not to be. I would rather stay in the water this time than live without Edward.

x x x x x x x x

EPOV

Each day is a day closer to me getting out and going home to Bella. I have no set backs, I obey every rule, attend every session, take the medication, and play my guitar in the quiet times, waiting for my love to come every Saturday, the only days visitors are allowed.

She looks a little rough. This baby is flooding her with hormones and she can barely eat but Carlisle is taking good care of her.

My mom and dad are living in Bella's apartment with her, when she is there, she spends most days at the farmhouse with Esme, Rose and Alice, doing the things four very different women do when they all have opposing ideas about how the house should be done up.

Bella is always jubilant as she pulls the "it's my house so shut up and do it my way" card whenever she has to.

Carlisle visits out of hours, he refuses to obey the rules and he has assured me, the scans look good. He has taken Bella to the city and had every non invasive test available done and all the results indicate the baby is fine. The heart is perfect, they know that already.

I want to be home for her, looking after her.

Carlisle is showing me two lots of scans, the lot from yesterdays tests and another set.

"What are these?" I ask.

"They are the ones from when I ran the tests for Bella when she was having Edan."

"Bella went to you when she was pregnant with Edan?"

"After you two were told he couldn't be saved, she came to me and asked for a second opinion. You know Bella never accepts anything straight off. They were right, sadly. He had many other problems, Edward. Even a heart transplant wouldn't have saved him. That's why she refused to go into hospital when she was in labor. She knew there was no hope. Bella would never let a child go without trying every avenue, even the one that led her back to me, the man she hated."

"Did she see Charlie?" I asked him.

"I don't believe so. I tried to talk her into seeing him too, but she only cared about how the loss of that baby would affect the two of you, she didn't have time or energy to waste on her father. Charlie had just married Sue Clearwater. I hoped Sue might be able to ease the gap between father and daughter but Bella didn't care to try so I didn't push it. She had enough on her plate. I drove her back here that same night. I knew better than to look for you."

"Thanks for trying, to save the baby, I mean."

"I am most deeply and sincerely sorry I didn't trust you two and fight for you in your corner. I have regretted it ever since. Thank you for staying in touch with Esme. She came so close to leaving me after you dropped out of college, I thought I had lost her too. I had no idea of the repercussions, Edward. I thought you two deserved a second chance and I chose the wrong second chance for you."

"It's too late now. I tried to find her, you know. I hired a private detective but he didn't come up with anything. Bella used to ring every doctor in the whole country you know. She only stopped when we couldn't pay the phone bill and they cut the phone off, on the farm."

"I'm so sorry" said my father, at last. I needed to hear him say that for so many years.

"I would give anything to know how she is, what her name is, where she is."

"Bella would just go and steal her if she knew." he stated.

"Yes, but she is hers to steal" I reminded him."Eight years old next week, she will be."

"I know. Esme and I celebrate her birthday every year. Our only grandchild, so far. I am so glad we will get to know this new one."

"Bella has the most forgiving heart of anyone on the planet. You have no idea what I put her through" I confessed.

"We all put her through Hell, Edward, yet she survived."

"She did".

I couldn't be more proud of her.

x x x x x x x x x x

The trip home was wonderful. Bella had come with Carlisle to collect me and I felt good. My weight had picked up, my color was good and all the tests indicated I had dodged many bullets and would probably be okay. Normal, they said. Bella had laughed and said if I was now normal, it was a complete miracle as I had never been normal before. I am lucky she prefers different.

The farmhouse looked amazing. All repaired and repainted, all white with a massive wrap around porch. Hardly recognizable from the ramshackle house it was before. Bella led me from one room to the next, pointing out all the improvements.

"It will be just like before, we will be happy here" she promised.

"One change" I said "No chickens in the bedroom this time."

"Fine. They prefer being outdoors now anyway. Come see the vegetable patch, its amazing."

It is. It's enormous and could feed an army. I checked the herb garden and there are no 'special' herbs growing.

Jasper sighed sadly and shook his head.

"None for me either. Alice would kill me dead if I even tried to smoke again and with the new baby almost due, who has time?" he lamented.

I'm glad the band will go on, without me.

I have outgrown my need for it, and for performing. I just want to be a husband and father, all I ever wanted to be.

This baby is more precious than gold and we have chosen to not find out the gender. No doubt, Carlisle knows, but he is only sharing facts about the health of the fetus, under Bella's orders.

Having her scans regularly still frightens her but now I can go with her and hold her hand.

I took a shower in the new en suite bathroom off our bedroom, formerly Jasper's old bedroom. We also have a large walk in closet and I am not surprised to find I have all new clothes. Very little black. A few T shirts that were vintage and she was unwilling to toss away. Mostly I have blue denim jeans and white or colored T shirts. Our mourning is officially over. We will never forget Elizabeth and we hope we will be able to meet her when she turns eighteen and has the option to look for us. We have registered our names on every adoption contact site we find.

We celebrate her eighth birthday and Bella sits down early that morning to write her yearly letter to our daughter. She told me she had written every year and she sends them to the agency that handled the adoption and they say they pass them on. I wonder if they do.

She always encloses a photo of both of us, which surprises me. Apparently she stole whichever photo of me from my photo albums over the years, that she liked. I never noticed.

I have Elizabeth's and Edan's photos up on our bedroom wall. I was really happy when I found out she had gone to see him the day after he was born. And she asked for photos so even though I never saw him except for the one time I held him after the birth, I can look at them now and search his tiny face for resemblance to Bella and to me, and to Elizabeth's photos.

It's horrible only knowing your children from a handful of photographs but it's better than nothing. The photos of me holding Edan were a shock, I was sort of aware of the nurse taking them but never thought of them again until Bella showed me the photos the first day back here. Comparing them to the photo of me holding Elizabeth, you can see how very small he was, maybe half her size.

I am impatient to have this new baby safe and sound in this world. Bella is eating for ten, she is now ravenous and consumes every dish I prepare. Pasta seems to satisfy her most.

The mid pregnancy sex hormones have kicked in and it is lucky the hens are living outside because Bella never even tries to be quiet in the bedroom. I adore being back inside her body and feeling alive again. She has ordered me not to dwell on my past mistakes and she has forgiven me my many errors.

I didn't sleep with her until Carlisle tested me for every possible virus or STD while recovering in hospital, and found me clean, I guess the universe smiled on me for once. However, once the results were back, Bella took complete control and leaned a chair under the handle on my door, and stayed every night with me, while I mended. She decided if she was on top and did all the work, I would not suffer too much and I didn't actually suffer at all. I am sure her special care made me heal all the quicker.

The first time, I really thought my heart would explode as I finally felt that connection with her again. Nobody else had ever come close. They all felt like nothing. She felt like everything.

I cried my eyes out afterwards and had to be sedated because it all hit home and I knew how truly reckless and stupid and criminal my behaviour had been. Bella cried with me and we made a pact that it was over, we would forget it and move on. She never failed to amaze me with the depth of her love and forgiveness. I loved her with all my being but she clearly loved me beyond just earthly love. I know she must have my soul as well because nobody could love like she does with just the one single soul.

Maybe she is an angel, sent to redeem me from my pitiful actions.

Bella paraded around the room in her new dress that she made from scratch. It is a strange shape, the hem is sort of gathered in. It is unfortunately made in a bright orange fabric and with her emerging bulge, she looks quite round and chubby but I try not to laugh.

"Beautiful" I assure her, and she slaps me.

"You think I look fat" she accuses.

"I think you look like a perfectly beautiful...pumpkin" I splutter and laugh at her indignant face.

I love her belly, I am always reaching to rub and touch it and feel the swift, hard kicks of the new baby. So strong. I lay beside her as she sleeps and watch the strange projecting shapes as the baby sticks an elbow or a foot out against the center of her belly. I can't help reaching out to touch and connect with this little stranger.

Bella is happy in all aspects of this pregnancy except she cannot relax in the bath as every time she lays in the tub, the baby goes into kicking or maybe it's swimming, mode and thrashes around until she gives up and gets out.

"You are minding this kid every night while I relax in the tub once it is born" she has informed me.

I can't wait. I have never had the luxury of laying a child of ours on my chest as I lie on our bed and I dream about doing that, all the time. I was consumed with envy when Ace was born and Jasper lay on the bed with his son asleep on his chest. I wanted it to be me doing that with my son. Night after night, I dream about this new baby and how it will be when it is born. One night I awaken, I was bathing the baby in my dream and now I know it is a little boy.

I told Bella and she said that was fine so long as the next one is a girl.

I felt all warm and fuzzy at the knowledge she is willing to keep having my babies, despite the terrible toll the last two took on her.

Jasper and Alice are coming to visit and introduce us to Jason, their new son. Ace is delighted to have a new toy to grab at and Alice has her hands full with two little boys to care for.

I know Bella is happy for her but also so envious. She deserved to keep her babies,too, like Alice got to.

Bella and I cook dinner and Jasper is playing with Ace. trying to keep him happy and distracted and prevent any jealousy between the boys. Bella is smiling at the sight of Jasper chasing the chooks around the yard, baby Jason in a pouch on his chest, Ace running after a large red hen and terrified suddenly when he somehow gets close enough to catch it.

Alice is asleep on the chaise on the front veranda. She likes it out there. The garden Rose worked so many long hours establishing is beautiful and full of colorful flowers. There is a special garden named Elizabeth's Garden. It has a little wooden sign naming it so. Bella made that sign and the garden. All the flowers are bright and pretty, daisies and marigolds,fairy roses and buttercups, reds and pinks and yellows and mauves all tossed in a mix together. Whites and purples edge the border.

In the middle of the front yard is a young, strong tree that will grow up tall and reach for the sky and have an abundance of green leaves and purple flowers. It's Edan's tree. Beside it is another tree with no sign in front but we know who that tree is for and I love her for acknowledging the almost life that Tanya destroyed.

One day both those trees will be large and healthy and fully grown and will be swaying together in the breeze.

Alice is teaching Bella the art of breastfeeding and Bella is completely fascinated and determined to try it when our son is born.

"So, what are you going to name the baby?" Alice asks as she sits at the kitchen table, feet up resting on another chair, baby sucking contentedly at her breast.

"I want Edward to choose the name this time" says Bella, smiling.

I feel the pressure of coming up with a name our child can live with and not hate and can't decide if it is best to go with something as unique and special as this child will be, or with an old classic, well tried name like my own.

"Jasper, help me" I beg.

"No, man, you are on your own. It took me nine whole months to think of Jason's name and how obvious is it? Alice named Ace, and so I spent months trying to come up with something as different but normal, easy to pronoun, easy to spell for the child's sake, I tell you, it is no where as easy as you imagine. And every time you tell someone the name, they either love it and make you feel like you should stick to your choice, even if you go off it yourself,or they hate it and know twenty kids with that name that were all horrible and grew up to be axe murderers. I say don't tell anyone, just name the baby when it's born and write it's name on the crib tag and mostly, people are too polite once it's a done make negative comments."

It's Mother's day next week and I know Jasper has a pile of gifts inside his suitcase to give Alice so I have been searching for something special for Bella.

I talked to my mom on the phone and she suggested a special doll a friend of hers makes, so I had to have all our photos copied of the babies in secret, without Bella knowing, and I sent them off to this woman.

She makes dolls from kits. The dolls have sort of plastic arms and legs and heads and she puts eyes in of the right color, and pokes hair in to match the baby in the photo, same color and type. She paints the dolls skin and you end up with a fairly perfect facsimile of your baby, same length, and same weight as she fills the cloth torso's with glass beads.

I have ordered one each of Elizabeth and Edan and I hope Bella will not think they are creepy. Mom assures me, she will love them. She has had two made of Emmett and I from our birth photos, and she sits hers in a cradle in her hobby room and all her friends think they are amazing and want to hold them. I guess it is a women thing.

The post office deliver the two boxes the Friday before Mother's Day and I sigh with relief as I certainly cut it fine, too fine.

I open the boxes, locked in our bedroom and it is uncanny, looking at these replica's of Elizabeth and Edan. She has dressed them in pink and blue. They don't look creepy at all, like I feared. I put them back in their boxes and wrap them up and hide them in my closet.

Sunday morning Bella is already up when I wake. She is helping by feed cereal to Ace and Jaz is bathing Jason as Alice sits and opens her gifts. Jaz has played it safe and there are bottles of her favorite perfume, chocolates, lingerie,(to assure her she is still completely sexy and desirable, something you have to do after your wife has a baby, Jaz tells me), and a photo of all four of them framed and handed over by a grinning Ace, who sticks his sticky finger on the glass and babbles "Dadda, Momma , Ace, and 'bad bubba', the name he has endowed on his little brother.

I sneak Bella away and sit her on our bed and hand over the gifts, suddenly scared she will hate them.

She opens the pink box and stares at the doll. She lifts it slowly are carefully and looks at me with tears in her eyes.

"Elizabeth" she whispers and kisses the dolls forehead.

Then she tears open the other box and grabs Edan to her chest and cries out loud.

"Thank you, Edward.I love them." and I relax and watch her rocking the dolls in her arms and know I have done good.

Alice squeals in delight later when Bella shows them to her and they plan to buy a wooden cradle to sit the dolls in to display them. I wish I had thought of that.

Life is finally turning into something bordering on normal, and I am finally so happy to be normal, just part of the crowd of humanity, striving to give and receive a little love and happiness.


	8. Chapter 8

Black

Chapter 8

Miracles

EPOV

I spent a few hours going over our finances, which are extremely healthy and neither Bella nor I will ever have to work again though I suspect we may choose to, at times. Not now, not with the baby coming and once he is born, I will be a fully devoted parent, sharing the load with Bella, taking everything but the breastfeeding on at first so she can recover. It's not just my desire to spend time with the baby and help my wife, there are selfish reasons as well. Firstly, I have longed for so many years to have a baby of ours that we can touch and hold, I know it will never get to be too much even if this baby is never out of my arms. I will relish every moment. Secondly, the easier I make things for Bella, the more likely she will follow through and maybe have another child after this one. I adored growing up with Emmett so I admit, I long to recreate that family and have two boys together, growing up close and always being there for each other.

I would be dead if not for Emmett. I will never forget that fact.

Even though we have more money than we will ever need or spend, I still feel I have to invest wisely and safely and ensure my family never goes without financial security because had we had that from the start, I would have fought Charlie in court and been able to hire a court approved guardian or whatever it took, to keep our daughter.

Money can buy you happiness if you spend it wisely.

I was wondering if it was wise to keep J Jenks on our books, he had never come up with a single lead as to where Elizabeth was, and so it seemed strangely coincidental when my phone rang with the very same man on the end, just as I sat considering cutting him off.

His monthly retainer wasn't that large, but I had never gotten a single thing back.

"Mr Cullen?' he stammered excitedly.

"Jenks."I answered.

"Your daughter..she is back in the system."

I found myself standing up, my other hand clenching into a fist automatically.

"What do you mean, back in the system?"

"Her adoptive parents were killed in a car accident and they had no living relatives. Your daughter is a ward of the court and has no family."

"Is she alright?"

"She was not in the car. She was in school at the time."

Thank God. Thank all the Gods.

"Jenks" I said slowly and carefully."I want to adopt her and I do not care what it takes. I will pay every dollar I have to make that happen. Find out how we can get her back. Today. There is a million dollar bonus in this for you. Do you understand? Not a single word to anyone. Get back to me today."

"Yes sir. I have already arranged to talk to the powers that be. I don't know if she will be put up for adoption again or fostered or sent to a home."

"She will be in my home as soon as humanly possible. Do it. Give me some numbers, I will ring myself."

I rang Carlisle immediately and told him all I knew. He promised to investigate immediately. I am not leaving my child's future in the hands of a private detective, I am pulling in everyone and anyone that can be of any use.

My next call is to my lawyer, and he is immediately on it. I will pay whatever it takes for him to drop every other client and look into this for me.

Then I sit and debate whether to call Charlie Swan.

Would that be the good or the bad choice?

I consider every side of things and decide, I do have power over him now, I could have him killed if he stood up against us this time and for a minute I seriously know, if he tries to stop us getting our daughter back, I will seriously kill him.

Not myself, the images of breaking his neck and shooting him that I had when I walked to that hospital do not rush to my brain, instead I am thinking of the many unsavoury types we have met on our way up the ladder as the band grew in popularity.

I could have him killed quickly and accidentally and nobody would ever suspect.

I don't think Bella would even care, even if she did find out.

Knowing this, I chose to ring Charlie and see how the land lies.

"Charlie. Edward Cullen"

"Edward? Really, Edward Cullen. I never expected to hear from you ."

"I imagine you didn't. Charlie, .."

"Is Bella okay? Has something happened?"

Oh so now you care about your daughter?

"Bella is fine. She is pregnant with our third child. We lost the other two, as you no doubt know."

"I am sorry, Edward. Carlisle did tell me about your son. I didn't think Bella would welcome any interaction with me at the time, I did send flowers to the funeral and Sue and I attended, but I did not approach Bella and she did not look my way. I don't think she knew anyone else was there, she was completely oblivious."

"Edan is long gone and we cannot change that, but I have been informed Elizabeth has been orphaned, do you know anything about that?"

"I have a letter here in my hand. I was just coming off shift and had to sign for a special delivery. Let me open it. Its from Children's Services, I suspected it was news of Elizabeth."

I waited and listened to him draw in his breath.

"Edward, her adoptive parents died three days ago. As her former guardian, they want to meet with me and discuss what to do next. What do you want me to do?"

I am so divided. I want to rush there and go with him, but that would mean leaving Bella.

I am determined she will know nothing of what is going on, because if there is any chance I cannot give her this precious child back, I do not want her even imagining I can and then having to crush her again.

I decide I have to go.

"Make the appointment for as soon as possible and ring me back. I am coming to attend with you, We are getting Elizabeth back, no matter what it takes."

"Are you bringing Bella?" he asks and I detect the regret and hope in his voice.

"Not this time. She has nine weeks to go until delivery. I am not risking upsetting her if this doesn't work out."

I hate that I have to even acknowledge that possibility, but one thing you learn when the universe turns against you and kicks you down again and again... expect nothing. Then anything you do get is a bonus.

I ring Alice and Rose and ask them to come stay with Bella and explain I am planning a surprise and have to leave town for a few days.

Alice is thrilled, she has only been home from her last visit three weeks, and she loved her stay here, so she accepts readily, and promises to arrive tonight.

I ring Rose.

"Edward? I am hearing something in your voice. Is something wrong?"

"God I hope not, Rose. A miracle may be occurring."

"Bella is in labor? It's way too early.."

"No, Rose, even more miraculous than that."

I can't help myself, I tell her the whole story and she is in her car so she simply alters the direction she is travelling and tells me she will be here within the hour.

I wait impatiently and take calls from Jenks and Carlisle and we exchange information.

It seems Charlie may be offered the chance to take Elizabeth back, or have a say in what happens with her future.

I have to go to him, now.

Rose finally pulls up and rushes into my arms.

"God, Edward, if..."

"Exactly. If. Not a word to Bella. If it doesn't happen, it would kill her. I have to be the strong one this time and be willing to go through whatever happens, but I will not expose Bella to this torment of hope until I know for sure. Look after her, Rose."

I walk to the car, having kissed my sleeping beauty as she lays completely oblivious on the chaise lounge in the warm afternoon sun.

"Ring me if you find out anything, no matter how small" says Rose.

BPOV

I opened my eyes and there sits Rose beside me.

I laughed and held out my hand for her to help me up. Bulging belly full of Pumpkin has limited my movements so much.I would swear it was triplets at least, if not for the many scans I have had and there is only one in there, its just a very energetic and fat little one.

"What are you doing here? Is Edward making coffee, or dinner? Have you been here long?"

"I was talking to Edward and he wants to arrange some surprise, you know your husband. I volunterred to come babysit the babymaker so he can rush off and make bookings and buy whatever the surprise entails."

"Hmm, I suspect this is going to be a weekend away. He has been looking at places near the beach online. He said he was thinking of buying a holiday apartment, now methinks he is planning a last ditch romantic getaway before the baby comes."

"That would be likely, of the new, improved Edward Cullen" Rose answered.

We walk inside and I make coffee for Rose and tea for myself. We are discussing options for dinner, when Alice bursts through the front door, babies in tow.

"Alice! How good to see you. Give me Jason, I call dibs."

She kisses my cheek and hands the baby over.

Rose has grabbed Ace and Alice pours herself a coffee.

"So, what's the big surprise? What is your husband up to now?"

"Edward sent you as well?" I ask, puzzled at the overkill."Rose, how long is he going to be away?"

"It may be a few days, Bella, he has loose ends to tie up with the band, legal stuff, and he wants to talk to Jake and the guys and stuff." she finishes lamely.

"What is going on?"

"What the hell do you mean? Edward has stuff to do. He has other parts to his life than just you and the farm, Bella. Sometimes real life intrudes."

I look at her in shock.

"Okay, so something;s going down. Is Jake kicking up a fuss?"

"It's nothing Edward can't handle" Rose replies, looking relieved.

I had always wondered if there would be any animosity as a result of the years I lived with Jacob Black while Edward coped with our loses in his own way.

I don't like to think back, because I cannot open that door to the pain on the other side. All those women...I know it meant nothing but it cuts my heart like a shard of glass every time I let a single thought enter my head. I had to stand back and watch him take woman after woman, girl after girl, it would have killed me had life not already struck me dead.

I refuse to dwell.

We agreed to leave our pasts behind and now is not the time to go back on that vow.

Rose and Alice start cooking dinner and the baby sleeps in my belly, and the other baby sleeps in my arms.

Ace is drawing pictures to take back and show his father. He is chatting away , talking about the chickens and I tell him about the new batch due to hatch any day. My last brood of baby chicks to fill in time until my own chick hatches out of my body.

"Can I have one, Aunty Bella? Can I take it home?" he begs.

"I don't think Mommy and Daddy would want a big hen in their apartment, do you? How about you adopt it and I keep it here for you and every time you come visit, she will be your special chicken?"

Rose turned and gave me such a strange look, I wonder what I said.

"I am not going to let him take it home, Rose" I assure her.

'No, good, yeah. Good idea."

I frown at her, she seems off somehow and the way she dives for her cell phone when it rings and the impatience when it proves to be 'just' her husband, wanting to know where the fuck she is as she was meeting him for lunch and she never turned up...something is going on.

"It's all fine, Bella. Nothing to worry about."

Then why is her attitude worrying me?

"Answer me two questions, Rose."

She looks wary.

"Okay. Maybe."

"Is Edward going back to be lead singer of Black?"

I cannot imagine he would do this with the baby so close, but he is spending a lot of time just sitting around. He says he loves the change of pace but he had the rockstar life, he must miss it.

"No, definitely not." she answers, no hesitation.

Hmm.

"Is Jake leaving the band?"

That would pretty much end Black, if he quit.

"No, Bella. Now no more questions. I will tell you this. Edward is planning a surprise for you. It has nothing to do with the band. The band stuff he has to see to is just formalities, legal stuff, new agreements about his cut in the profits now he is just the writer and not a band member.

He just wants to be the very best husband possible and he is doing everything in his power to make you happy. Okay? Now don't spoil things. Just trust us all to have your best interests at heart."

It just seems overboard, all this fuss for a weekend away.

Oh, he is buying the beach apartment. The whole building, I bet. He is probably giving Jasper and Emmett and Jake the other apartments as a Christmas gift. And he is doing something awesome for me. I can't think of a single thing I want so I am perplexed.

Edward would buy me anything I asked for but all I want is him and our baby and to be happy. He has to stop thinking he can make me happy by buying stuff. Stuff is just stuff.

Alice tucks the boys into bed in one of the five guestrooms we added in the renovations. Be prepared, was my motto. I actually kind of thought of filling those rooms with kids of our own. I still may. I love being pregnant and if this baby is okay and makes it into the world safe and sound, I will have the courage and encouragement to soldier on and have some more babies with my Edward. I know he would love a house full of kids. I know he wants two boys, and I have to raise a girl seeing I didn't get to raise Elizabeth, so I can see myself being pregnant a lot in the future.

I hope Edward won't be disappointed when this baby is born as I know it's a girl. I am so happy. I didn't want to know, but I read one of the many scan reports Carlisle has and the baby is clearly female, I saw the two distinct white lines between her legs that denote a female fetus.

I have talked to Edward many times and he swears he has no preference, he just wants a baby we can keep, and raise and I believe him. It's too much to ask for, hoping for one gender over the other, when all you want is a baby of your very own.

Alice shows my dolls to Rose and I chuckle as I expect her to be horrified and start rubbishing the whole idea of a doll being made to look like a baby, but she shocks me by lifting the pink dressed Elizabeth doll and cradling it in her arms. She keeps the doll there all evening, smiling at it like it is a real child.

Aha! I wake in the middle of the night, cold and alone in my big, empty bed. Why didn't I think of this earlier. Rose is pregnant!

That explains the maternal smile, the holding of the doll, the mood she is in. Rose is having a baby!

I decide to tease her a little in the morning, and drop back into sleep, smiling to myself.

Does Rose really think she can keep a secret from me? I can read that girl's mind.

EPOV

The whole day has been full of frustrations and knowing my money cannot change a thing is frustrating beyond belief.

These people who decide the futures of children up for adoption are not impressed by my money or who I am, in fact, the very public records of my womanizing and drug abuse and drinking problems are all kicking me in the ass. My suicide bid is shoved in my face, evidence of my being unstable and out of control. I feel more shame than I would have thought it possible to endure.

They do not think I am a suitable adoptive parent for my own child.

They are willing to have home visits done and to review our 'situation' as I prove those days as far behind me, but they will not consider handing Elizabeth over to us until they are sure we are the best option.

Carlisle and Esme voice their willingness to be there in full support of us, to guarantee the child will always be safe, to be her guardian, whatever they can be to help us get custody.

The woman smiles her thanks but clearly is dismissing that option already.

However, they are looking favorably at Charlie and Sue. Sue has two teenagers, Leah and Seth. Both are A students and she has raised them for ten years alone since her husband Harry died of a heart attack, then Charlie became their stepfather and they have continued to blossom. They have never been in trouble at school, let alone with the law.

Charlie thinks he should agree to adopt Elizabeth but it would kill Bella to have to be that close and not raise her herself.

I end up agreeing as the alternative is, a long drawn out investigation of myself and Bella, and while she will pass with flying colors, I will fail. And Elizabeth would be in a series of foster homes while these home studies are done. They mentioned it being a two year plan before we would even have her in our house. I cannot put my child through this. She got ripped away from her mother at birth, she just spent eight years being loved and loving two wonderful people who are now dead, and she is too precious to dump in the foster system.

Sue and Charlie are the best option.

Then as the papers are signed and I am pulling my hair out, knowing I have let Bella down yet again, in the worst possible way this time, Charlie pulls me aside.

He leans in close and speaks quietly in my ear, so no-one else can overhear him.

"Sue and I kind of have our hands full, would you and Bella be willing to take care of Elizabeth for us for the next ten years or so?"

I grab the man who I was planning on having killed if he opposed us, into my arms and cry openly on his shoulder.

"Sit up, act normal" he hisses, as the door opens and a small, pretty girl walks in with the assistant.

"Charlie, Sue, this is Elizabeth."

I am firstly amazed that I created such a perfect child. She looks so like Bella. Her heart shaped face, her long brown hair, her hazel eyes are a mix of Bella's brown and my green. She is short for her age and looks more six or so, but I guess Bella has always been small and short. Though I would never mention the short part as she would probably beat me up.

"Elizabeth?' I say in surprise. They chose the same name we did? Well, Bella did.

Carlisle speaks quietly in my ear.

"Esme told them when she handed the baby over, that Bella had named the baby Elizabeth Antonia, and asked them to consider letting the child keep the one thing Bella could give her, and they agreed."

I take my mothers hand in my own and thank her.

The official part is done, and our child is leaving with us. I cannot stop the furious pace my heart is beating at.

I call Rose and tell her everything and all I get back is crying, so long I have to hang up on her before she even manages to speak.

It's too late in the day by now to take her back to the farm so Charlie suggests I stay at his house and I kiss my parents goodbye and sit in the backseat of Charlie's car, beside my daughter.

My car is at Charlie's house anyway, so we can leave early in the morning.

We spend the evening explaining Charlie is her granddad and Sue is her grandmother, and she is my daughter, mine and Bella's. She looks at the photos of Bella as a baby and a child, and she smiles when she sees how much alike she is to her mother.

"I look like her" she whispers.

"Why didn't my..birth mother.. come too? she asks.

"Bella is going to have a baby brother or sister for you soon, in just a few months" I explain to her and her face breaks into a wide smile. Her first smile.

"I hope it's a girl" she says, excited at the prospect of being a big sister already.

"My friend Megan has a baby sister, and we dress her up in frilly dresses and she won a baby competition" she tells me, her eyes shining like my Bella's do, and will.

I can't sleep but I keep wandering by the open door of Bella's old bedroom, and gazing at the sleeping beauty in Bella's old bed.

Memories of that bed...

I walk to the window and touch the frame, and decide my daughter will not be having a window that opens wide enough to allow any boy into her bedroom. I will have it removed and replaced with an air conditioner or something. No boy will ever touch her.

I laugh at myself. The old, strict father genes have kicked in already.

I sit in Charlie's recliner all night, looking through the photo albums and deciding to have copies of every photo of Bella made. There are photos of us with Alice and Rose at high school, Emmett being his idiot self, me caught looking longingly at Bella before we had even spoken. I am so glad Angela Webber spent her days taking random photos of all the students and so happy to see reminders of back where Bella and I began. I loved her before she even knew I existed. I went to school every day, simply to gaze at her as she laughed and joked and interacted with other normal students.

I wanted her to be mine from the first time she spoke to me.

I remember her sitting at my lab table in Biology and me glaring at how I finally had her at my table but she had brought Jasper with her, not in my plan at all.

And the days I watched and feared Jasper would take what was mine, and the relief when he chose Alice. And the pain I felt for Bella when she told me about how she hated being the last virgin.

The last virgin telling the other last virgin her secrets.

I regret that we lost Elizabeth but I don't regret a single second I spent with Bella.

I regret every second we spent apart and I pray my daughter will never know what I did to her mother when I used those other women to keep me alive and stop me doing what I did eventually, anyway.

The pain as I slit my own skin, the blood, the knowledge I had bought my ticket out of this life, my last thought and only regret, leaving Bella.

I have to be strong and be there for Bella, for Elizabeth, and for the new baby, and be a real man. No matter what the universe throws at me in future, I swear to remain strong for my girls. I have a feeling Elizabeth is right and the baby is a girl. I know it's what Bella wants, and I can wait for my sons. They will join us when they are ready.

I can't wait to get back home and give my Bella the only thing she ever wanted.

Our daughter.


	9. Chapter 9

**Sorry this is short, I wrote it a week ago now cant get into the mood to add to it so will start another chapter tomorrow.**

Black

Chapter 9

Talking 'Bout My Girls

EPOV

Carlisle and Esme have left already so they can arrive and Esme can capture Bella's face on video when I arrive. Charlie and Sue are going to wait in our nearest town and I will ring them and tell them if it's okay for them to come. They are determined if Bella doesn't want them there, they won't spoil this day of days.

Elizabeth is excited and jumping up and down. She has seen photos of the farm and the chickens fascinate her and she knows Alice has two babies, and they will be there but mostly, she is curious about her mom.

She told me each year her new mom read her Bella's long letters so she knows a lot about us already and she hopes she will be allowed to have a puppy as she couldn't have a puppy in the city where she lived before. I assure her, she can have any puppy she wants.

I am going to spoil her rotten, there is no doubt and I am sure Bella will try and reign me in but we will sort something out. So long as I don't do anything that Bella really objects to,like spending more than $40 on a purse...she went ballistic when she read of a celebrity spending $8,000 on a handbag for his 3 year old daughter. She immediately send a check for ten times that amount to the nearest homeless shelter in retaliation.

Bella has her ways of evening out the wrongs of the world.

Rose has Bella prepared for my return, and we are just a little worried about the surprise may stress her, but I am sure she will handle it like she handles everything, with dignity and love and acceptance. It will be a shock but the nicest shock possible. Carlisle will be there, watching Bella, making sure she copes.

Esme somehow came equipped with a gorgeous pink hand embroidered dress, socks and shoes, and she washed Elizabeth's hair and dressed her before she and Carlisle left.

My daughter has two pink ribbons holding her long hair back from each side of her pretty little face.

She is quite relaxed and chatty and has hardly shed a tear but I know they will have to come at some point.

We drive up slowly. Carlisle is sitting on the chaise with Bella, who is talking happily to him, and she turns at the sound of my car and waves a hand as she turns back to finish what she was saying. I stand and open Elizabeth's door and hold her hand as she shyly approaches her mother.

Bella sees us coming and stands, a look of disbelief on her face. I can tell, she recognizes this child that she has not seen for over eight long years.

"Elizabeth" she says in a voice barely above a whisper.

Rose is crying openly,as is Alice, who was finally let in on the secret by Esme.

The women all cry, the men stand and Jasper is videoing the whole event.

Carlisle stands beside my wife,watching for any sign of shock.

Bella steps forward and opens her arms and the little girl beside me looks at me, and I nod, and she releases my hand and runs into Bella's.

I stand in front of my wife and watch them hug, like they have always known each other. maybe they have. Maybe you cannot kill the connection between mother and daughter just because you rip them apart.

Finally, Elizabeth stands back and Bella sinks to the floor and sits there. I lower my body to sit beside her and she clasps my face in her hands and kisses my mouth.

"Thank you" she says.

I wrap my arms around her and feel her tears on my cheeks, or are they my tears?

Elizabeth walks around and announces she knows who everyone is because Edward-Dad showed her pictures.

"You are Aunty Alice, and you have two babies and I am allowed to play with Ace and maybe can hold Jason if I am very careful and sit down first. And you are Aunty Rose. And you are Emmett, and you do look like a teddy bear!" she giggles, as my brother scoops her into the air and gives her a bear hug.

"Edward-dad said you were a big bear so I will call you Uncle Teddy. That's better than Emmett, that's a strange name."

Emmett grins like he was just complimented.

"And you are uncle Jasper and you are the dad of the boys. And you are married to Aunty Alice."

She walks around figuring it all out.

"My mom told me all about you all in her letters."

Bella gasps at being called her mom.

"My other mom told me I had two moms and to call you both mom so I always have. I have photos of you and Edward-dad on my wall at home."

She frowns as she remembers she won't be going home again.

"Am I going to live here forever?"

"I hope so" says Bella, looking at me for an explanation.

I help her stand and walk her inside and sit her on the sofa to explain everything. She gasps again when she finds out Charlie is the legal guardian and he is allowing us to raise her.

"I have to ask, do you want to see him? He and Sue are waiting in a cafe in town, and I am to ring them if you agree they can come here today."

Bella smiles and nods.

"Sure. All I care about is us and our daughters. Let them come and I finally have something to thank my father for. I always thought I would spit in his face if I ever came face to face with him so I am just happy I want to hug him instead."

More evidence of her extra soul and her never ending well of forgiveness.

Elizabeth makes herself at home and skips about, Ace following behind, fascinated by this larger child being here.

"Where's my bedroom?" she asks.

We haven't actually made a room for her yet of course but Bella takes her hand and leads her to the bedroom she has been getting ready for the baby. She has kept us all locked out so it's a surprise to us, too. She unlocks the door and leads her daughter inside.

The walls are painted pink, confirming what I suspected. Bella knows the coming baby is a girl.

Luckily we have not yet put the baby furniture together so there is just the bed inside, Bella's idea so if the baby cried a lot, one of us could lie on this bed with it while the other got some sleep in our bedroom.

The bedcover is cream with pink and mauve fairies on it. The curtains are dark purple with pink trim, and the closet is painted white and empty.

Several boxes of baby clothes are in the far corner.

"Oh, your baby sisters stuff is in here, I have to paint her room next. It will be next door to you" Bella says.

"That's okay. Can she share a room with me?" she asks.

"Maybe when she is about one and she sleeps at night. If you still want her to."

"I will. Is her name going to be Annabelle because that's my favorite name."

"Actually, I think it is" says Bella, smiling at me.

I grin and nod.

I am more than happy for Elizabeth to choose the baby's name.

I mouth "girl?" at Carlisle, just to be sure and he grins and nods. I knew he knew.

Bella lets Elizabeth explore the house and the yard and shows her the latest batch of fluffy yellow chickens. Elizabeth squeals with delight and promptly sits in the dirt , letting them run all over her as she scoops one up.

"One of them belongs to Ace , this one here with the black on its wing, but you can choose one for yourself, too, if you want. And I need some help naming them all" says Bella.

She slips into mother mode so naturally, it hurts my chest that she has missed eight long years that we can never get back.

Ace has claimed his chick and is telling Elizabeth about how he is a make chicken so will be a rooster one day.

Just what we need, another critter waking us up in the morning.

Charlie and Sue arrive and Bella walks up and kisses her father's cheek, and then Sue's as well. She has known Sue Clearwater all her life, well, all the parts where she lived in Forks.

Charlie is very emotional and I am sure he knows how very lucky he is, to be welcomed back into Bella's life. He promises to drive here again with all Elizabeth's belongings when they arrive and he hands over her suitcase the court had delivered. I fetch her little overnight bag from my car and leave it on her bed.

I stand in the room and just try and believe this is real. I am standing in Elizabeth's bedroom and she lives with us, forever.

Elizabeth helped Bella hang up her few clothes and Alice is telling my daughter how much fun they will have when they go on their first Girl's Shopping Trip and she tells Elizabeth she will be able to choose whatever clothes she likes.

I have a feeling this is the way it will be in the Cullen house for a few years. Girls days out. I will have to make sure I keep nagging for my boys next.

In reality, I don't really care if we end up with a house full of fifty girls, any child of ours will be so incredibly precious to us both.

Lunch magically appears, Esme has taken over and she and Rose are cooking up a storm and they call us all in to the diningroom and we have a noisy, happy meal. Watching Bella's face as she watches our daughter is so fascinating to me.

It's a relief when everyone goes and we are finally a family, for the first time.

As I tuck our daughter up for the night, she introduces us to her doll, Annabelle, and Bella shows her her two baby dolls. Elizabeth is thrilled to see what she looked like as a baby. Bella promises to get her a doll just like hers for Christmas.

We left the hall light on and the doors open so we will hear any problems and we tell Elizabeth she can always come and knock on our door anytime she needs us, night or day. I just warn her to knock in case we are 'dressing' or something.

Bella snuggles down beside me and strokes my face.

"I cannot believe you did this. I was sure Rose was pregnant and you bought a bunch of apartments on the beach and maybe wanted to go back to singing with Black."

I shake my head, wondering how she came to all these erroneous conclusions.

"No, I just wanted my family back together." I answer.

" Edward " Bella says quietly.

"Yes, my love? "

"This truly makes up for everything" she tells me and my heart swells.

I feel light and free and so deeply happy, words cannot express it.

In the morning, we hear Elizabeth walking around, showing her doll everything there is to see, explaining the chickens won't hurt her but she had better stay in side just to be safe.

"She is naming the baby after a doll" I say to Bella.

"Lucky I didn't, my favorite doll when I was little was my mom's old Thumbelina. I think Annabelle will be a much easier name to live with."

We have to book Elizabeth into the local school so Charlie is coming back to do that, and he and Sue are looking for a holiday home here in town, our thank you gift to them, and a necessity, as Charlie will always be the guardian so he needs a residence in the school zone.

There will be obstacles to overcome, but we wil manage.

x x x x x x x x

BPOV

I feel nervous as a kitten as I walk back to the car with Edward and we leave Elizabeth behind, for her first day at her new school. So many changes for such a little girl. She has settled in at the farm well, and we encourage her to talk about her other mom and dad. Edward finally understands not mentioning someone doesn't make things better, it makes them worse. If he had let me talk about Edan and talked back to me about his feelings, as horrendous as everything was, we probably would have survived.

The whole reason I turned to Jake, was Edward forbade me to talk about the baby and Jake encouraged me to, and he listened and he agreed it was important to remember and acknowledge he existed. Edward seemed to want to pretend none of it happened, that Edan never existed, and when you lose a baby like that, you have so little to hold on to and remember as it is, you treasure every little thing. I had his hospital wristbands and his hospital blanket and his little blue gown, and the crib tag. These things were my only physical connections to him and I needed his father to share his feelings and his regrets and sorrow with me but Edward refused completely and shut me out.

Then to make it worse, he got angry if I mentioned the baby and he banned all talking about him. He actually said that I was banned from mentioning our son. It hurt and it made me mad and I never handle anger well. I wanted to punish him and he sure wanted to punish me, and we tore each other apart.

I guess me sleeping with Jake multiple times cut him like his multiple women cut me. It's the fact I was with another person that hurt. Not with him.

We were both too immersed in agony to think straight, and that's why I wish we had been living on the farm, with nobody else to turn to, we would have turned to each other at some point.

Elizabeth's belongings have arrived and we have set up her room just as she wants it, including having Edward paint one wall purple. She had a purple wall in her old bedroom and she wanted it back so he painted it for her.

Her clothes are all excellent quality and expensive, and she is very happy to have them back, but like me, she prefers jeans to dresses and rarely gets dressed up, but when she does, she goes the whole hog, tiara in her hair.

Alice adores taking her shopping because unlike me, she gets enthusiastic about buying new shoes, something I detest. A shoe is a foot covering, not a fashion statement. I have no emotional bonding with shoes. I don't cry if the heel breaks or if they don't have a pair I like in my size, I choose some other pair and forget it. I do not go home and cry like two women we could mention.

"But Bella, they had every size but mine. And they were lavender..They will never have that style in lavender again."

What the heck was she going to wear with lavender shoes?

And the Jimmy Choo Ugg boots? What is it about them that have this pair living for October? They are planning there lives around being first at the store when the big day arrives. I will mind the boys because I know one person who will not be flying to any city just to join a crowd of insane shoppers and fight to buy a pair.

And how come they have both detested all sheepskin boots, until Jimmy Choo designed them, now they are must haves?

I guess I missed out on the shoe gene.

I have framed Elizabeth's favourite photos of herself, and her other parents and I have read the diary Irina wrote, from the day she found out they could not have a pregnancy themselves, until her last entry a month before she died. It was fascinating reading the other side of the coin, and the joy and meaning our daughter gave to their lives. They loved her as much as we do, that I have no doubt about. In the diary, Irina always planned to name a girl Katie, after her infant sister who died, but after Esme told her I had chosen a name for my daughter, she felt honor bound to keep Elizabeth's name and not change it. She always acknowledged Elizabeth was our child and she was the lucky one who got to raise her so she considered every decision carefully, keeping that in mind, always trying to guess what we would have chosen ourselves.

She openly displayed our photos and had them framed each year and hung them on Elizabeth's purple wall, so I have to return the favor and show her and her husband the same respect as they showed us. Looking at the first photo I sent, the one of Edward in the hospital nursery with Carlisle standing beside him as he held the baby briefly, always brings a tear to my eye. Carlisle lost his grandchild, he didn't make the decision lightly, and neither did Charlie, I now know. They both truly saw it as the best answer to a big problem.

They both dismissed our feelings as a schoolyard crush and they fully expected us to break up and move on so our being together still has amazed them both, especially after knowing all the grief we went through and put each other through. It's proof we were always meant to be and always were truly in love, even at sixteen and seventeen.

Both say the same thing, if they knew then what they knew now, they would have chosen very differently and given us a chance.


	10. Chapter 10

Black

Chapter 10

Sisters

EPOV

Bella has taken to rolling about in her sleep so she wakes me up multiple times every night. Her face is sometimes contorted and I know she is dreaming about losing Edan when this happens but all I can do is hold her and rub her belly and hope she will leave the nightmare and dream of us and new beginnings instead.

So, having woken maybe four times to her muffled cries about our son, then being woken twice by Elizabeth's puppy needing to go outside then needing to be fed again, I am pretty much more tired than when I went to bed last night.

"Edward!" Bella screams and clutches at me and I try to fully waken to soothe her again. The nightmares are coming way more frequently as the birth nears and I just pray it is not an omen that we will lose this baby as well because I have no reserves left and don't know how we would cope.

We have our daughter back so topping myself is not an option, not that I would ever consider it now Bella is mine again.

"Edward! Wake up!"

I feel her frantic shaking of my body and force my eyes open.

"My water has broken."

Huh?

Oh.

Shit.

"Um, yeah, I will get the car..where's your bag? I will leave Elizabeth with.."

Shit, what was the plan again?

I am so befuddled I am sleep walking around the room.

Bella struggles to her feet and her nightdress is indeed wet.

So is the bed.

I walk over and strip the sheets off and stand there holding them.

"Edward, we need to go to hospital."

"Yeah. Right. Hospital."

I drop the sheets on the floor.

"I have called Rose, she is meeting us there to mind Elizabeth" says Bella, pulling her wet clothes off and heading for the shower.

I gather the washing and go put it in the washing machine and add black wash liquid. Oh, wait, everything is white. I don't imagine it will matter.

"Elizabeth." I call and enter our daughter's room. She is sleeping peacefully, lucky her.

"Sweetheart. Mom is going to have our baby today. You have to get dressed and Auntie Rose will mind you at the hospital. Okay?"

"Can I bring Charlie Brown?"

"No, you cannot bring a puppy to a hospital. He will be fine here. I will leave him some water and food. Now get dressed please Missy."

I need caffeine, I need to wake up.

I turn the coffee maker on and stand holding myself up by leaning on the benchtop.

Maybe if I bribe someone they will keep Bella and the new baby in for a week and I can get some sleep. I know I don't mean that but I sure could do with some proper shut eye.

I pour a cup of coffee and sip it down. Now, what was I doing?

Elizabeth and the ever present doll come into the kitchen. My daughter is wearing a pink ballet tutu, a tiara, black tights and a Batgirl cape.

Well, she is dressed, good enough.

I hand her a glass of milk and a packet of cookies. I can't cook at this hour and she needs to eat. I am a bad father.

I sneak out the backdoor and light up a cigarette. I have almost given them up, and never have any 'herbal' versions, but times like this, I just need a hit of tobacco and various other carcinogens to get me through the day.

As I watch the smoke haze disperse, I try and get my thoughts in order.

Car, bag, child, puppy,

"Edwarddddd!"

Wife.

Shit. I drop my cigarette and quickly stomp it out and head for the bedroom.

Bella is bent over double clutching her stomach.

I stand and rub her back and talk quietly to her.

"Too Fucking Late" she huffs.

"No, Bella, it will be fine this time" I assure her.

"No, too late to go to the hospital" she gasps.

No.

Just no.

She is having this baby in a hospital.

I lift her in a bridal hold and head for the car as she swears and swats her hands at me.

"Put me down. The baby is coming. Now. Take me back inside."

The wail of an ambulance siren fills the air and it becomes louder the closer it gets.

"Edward? Your father called us, said we need to get your wife right in."

Of course he did. Bella clearly rang everyone already.

I turn and carry her to the ambulance and hand her over to the paramedics.

Bella is telling them the head is about to emerge and I watch in terror. Can't we ever just have a normal birthing experience? Just one. It seems too much to ask.

"Okay, we are taking Bella back inside, the birth is imminent."

I trail behind and grab my daughter out of the way as she stands on the front steps holding her wriggly puppy.

"Charlie Brown wants to come to the hospital" she says, as determined as her mother.

"It doesn't look like anyone's going to the hospital just yet." I say and take her inside.

The two paramedics are leaning over Bella, looking at her lower regions and telling her to push, so I rush in and grab her hand, forgetting I have left our child standing at the door.

"Here's the head" says one, and he uses something to clear the baby's nose and mouth and I look in awe at the sight of my child emerging from Bella's body.

It's slippery and covered in white thick grease and it's crying already, even before the legs slide out. He places her on Bella's torso and she is reaching down and touching it's head.

I move to her side and look in wonder at out new little miracle as the paramedic listens to the heart and checks her mouth.

"Looks perfect, Bella" he says and squeezes her knee.  
"Well done."

"It looks gross! Megan's baby sister wasn't all dirty like that" says a small high pitched voice. standing right beside me, fortunately she has discarded the dog.

I laugh and steer my eldest daughter out of the room just as Rose bursts through the front door.

'Baby is here, a girl. Here, take care of this one and the puppy, please."

"Oh, can I have a quick look at the baby?" asks Rose, looking into our bedroom.

"It's disgusting. It has this white muck all over it and it's naked!" declares Elizabeth.

Rose chortles and takes her charges into the kitchen.

I rush back to Bella's side and the baby is wrapped and handed to me, while they deliver the placenta.

Bella is looking at me and smiling.

"We finally did it right" she says and I laugh.

Yeah, sort of.

Annabelle is crying and Bella is smiling and I hand baby to mother and sit beside her on the bed.

"Thank you, Bella. She is perfect. Like you."

"I don't think she looks much like me. Where did the blond hair come from?"

"I believe I was blond as a small baby. My hair went copper at about one or two."

Her eyes open and stare at her mother.

"Green eyes" says Bella excitedly. They certainly are. Clear and green as emeralds. Long fingers, and her face is quite rounded.

"You know who she looks like? Carlisle." I say.

"I think you are right. How cool. Neither you nor Emmett look anything like him so he will be pleased." she says.

I am glad my father and I have made our peace because raising a small replica of him would be painful if that were not the case.

"I want to name her Carlie" says my wife, as if it's against the law or something.

I kiss her forehead and promise to discuss this with Elizabeth.

"Are you taking them to hospital?" I ask.

"No point, really. They are both fine", says the one who is monitoring Bella's blood pressure.

"Unless you want us to take you in, Mrs Cullen?"

Bella looks at me, panicking.

"Are you sure she is okay?"

"She seems fine but if you want to go, we can take you both."

"I want her heart checked, Edward." she tells me.

"Okay, no problem. Do you have your bag?"

They bring in the stretcher and load Bella and baby on board and I kiss her and promise I will drive in right behind them. I want my car so I can get home again later.

I am on an adrenalin high now and all tiredness has vanished, I feel like I could run behind them all the way in and back.

After they leave, I go in and talk to Rose and try to diplomatically bring up the baby name issue.

"Where's Annabelle?' I ask Elizabeth.

"Which one, the doll or the baby?" she answers.

"Oh, that will be confusing, hey Rose..two girls with the same name?"

"Yes, very strange" says Rose, picking up on my tactic.

"I can change my dolls name" offers my daughter.

"Oh no" says Rose"That would make her sad. She knows her name by now. How long have you had her?"

"Two years and...seven months" she estimates on her fingers.

"Then that is far too late to change her name. I know, Edward, why don't you change the baby's name? She won't even notice seeing she is all new and hasn't heard her name yet."

"What a good idea" I agree, smiling at Rose.

"That baby didn't look nearly as pretty as my doll."

"Yeah, it takes a while. Ace and Jason were all red and wrinkly when they were born. Don't tell Alice but they looked like little old men crossed with aliens."

"Oh gross. My sister wasn't red or wrinkly, just has this stuff all over her."

"Well they can wash it off. They can't wash wrinkles away".

"Where did their wrinkles go then?"

"Oh they fattened up and filled into their skin and now they are both really cute, right?" Rose says.

"Yeah, I guess. Pretty cute...for boys! Boys are so gross."

"Yes, and some of them never improve" says her aunt.

"Okay, speaking as a father who would like some gross boys in future, I am going into see Bella and Carlie Annabelle and make sure they are okay. I will come back and take you in for afternoon visiting if you are good for Rose. And feed the puppy." I warned.

Bella is in a shared room with a girl who looks way too young to be in a maternity unit.

"I thought we booked a private room?" I ask as I sit beside her bed and smile at the teenager in the adjoining bed.

"Yes, well it seems their are only two private maternity rooms and both have been snapped up by wives of doctors on staff here so I dip out."

"I can have a word with dad. He may be able to pull some strings."

"Edward, we live in this tiny town, we are lucky to have a hospital. I will be fine."

A nurse enters and pushes a crib on wheels to Bella's bedside and I get to hold my new daughter again.

"She is so beautiful so perfect. Not a wrinkle in sight" I grin. I feel like I am holding my heart in my hands.

Carlie is the prettiest baby I have ever seen but I can't say that out loud seeing we have another daughter and I would never want her to hear that statement.

"We did good, Edward."

"We did, love." I agree.

Carlie has chubby cheeks already and a button nose and her hair is short but thick and very white blond. I know Esme is going to start on about how like me she like I was, as a newborn anyway.

"What did she weigh?" I ask.

"Guess."

I hold her on the inside of my arm, head in my hand, and estimate a guess.

"Eight pounds."

"Wrong, eight pounds one ounce." says Bella.

"Oh yeah, I can tell now, eight pounds one ounce definitely."

"She looks adorable in pink."

"Definitely her color. With her peaches and cream complexion and her green eyes, she is a stunner."

I'm glad it's not just me. Bella can see how truly beautiful this baby is.

I hand her over to her mother and grab the camera to get some photos. As I near the crib beside the girl in the other bed, I sneak a peek at her baby. Poor little thing looks like Winston Churchill.

"Girl or boy?" I ask politely.

"Girl. Anastasia Sharon Persephone" she answers.

Right.

ASP. Never name your child after a reptile.

"I want Rose's name in Carlie's, she has been so helpful."

"Sure." I agree immediately, getting in for a close up of my stunning offspring.

I drive home for lunch and gratefully accept when Rose orders me to catch a nap as she sits with Elizabeth and looks at the photos.

"I'm glad they washed her, she looks cute now" pipes up the big sister.

I fall asleep and dream happy dreams of all my beautiful girls.

When I take Rose and Elizabeth in to visit, Bella already has a room full of visitors. Charlie and Sue, Carlisle and Esme, Alice and her boys.

As predicted, my mom is telling everyone that Carlie is the image of me as a baby.

"Rubbish, mother, she is pretty."

"Oh, you have always been pretty, Edward" she replies and earns a laugh from everyone.

"Everyone assumed you were a girl until you were about 3 and you cut your curls off yourself with your so called 'safety scissors'."

"I dare say I wanted to look like a boy" I mock growled at her.

"But you had the most beautiful curls. They were white blond at first, then they changed to yellow gold, then bronze. They were just amazing. I couldn't bear to cut them off. I cried when you did. Emmett 's were always black. He had this mass of black curls the day he was born and they never changed, even now."

"Hmm, I hope my blond can trump over his black if we have a girl" says Rose.

We all turn and look at her.

"Rose" says Esme, of course it would be her."Are you saying..?"

"Yes, I am pregnant. Sixteen weeks. Just wanted this one here to have her day in the sun before I told you all."

"You didn't give her a whole day" I grumped.

"Edward, that baby is so gorgeous, she will spend her whole life being admired and adored. Just like her sister here."

I know that. They are both beautiful though different. Elizabeth looks so like Bella she already has her place securely in my heart as she always has.

Suddenly I see it will be tricky, loving all my girls equally. Bella will always come first, though that's another thing I probably won't voice out loud.

When Emmett and Jasper arrive, it's obvious we have too many visitors, even though Bella's room mate is sitting down in the parents room with her family and friends. Esme and Carlisle and Charlie and Sue leave and promise to return the next day. They are all staying in Charlie's house near the school for a few nights.

"So, you have named her Carlie."says Alice.

"Yes" says Bella, looking intently at her.

"After what Carlisle and Charlie did to you, I just don't see why you would name her that."

"Alice, I know they took her away but they gave her back. We couldn't have gotten Elizabeth without them. I think by naming this one Carlie, they know they are forgiven. We can't hold on to hate forever."

"Fair point. So, Carlie..?"

"Carlie Rose Annabelle"

"CRAC" says Emmett, laughing and rubbing his hands together. "I love it."

Whoa, maybe we need to rethink this.

"Not Annabelle" pipes up Elizabeth, and I sigh in relief.

"I don't want her to have more names than I have. Just Carlie Rose."

"Done" says Bella with a wide smile.

Well played.

"Yes, you can name your own daughter Crac " I suggest to Emmett.

"We are having all boys, ten of them" announces Emmett.

"Speaking as the baby carrier, I can assure you all, we will be having two children, hopefully girls" announces Rose.

"Aw come on Rosie, we need to keep the football playing genes going."

"One boy, one girl. That's my best offer." she answers.

Finally they are all gone, and Elizabeth is curled up asleep on the end of Bella's bed.

"We should go and let you get to sleep" I offer.

"Snuggle up beside me for a minute" she asks so I sit beside her and lean on the hard white metal headboard and put my arms around her.

"I love you, Bella. Thank you for saving me and giving me this baby."

She smiles and rubs my hand, not bothering to pretend she didn't do what I said.

Without her, I would have finished off what I started, I know that.

She saved me just as Emmett did.

x x x x x x x x x

The house is quiet, baby is asleep, Elizabeth lays at our feet, looking at photos of herself and her new sister. Bella lays beside me on the chaise and looks into my eyes.

"You know Karen, the girl I shared a room with."

"Yes" I reply.

"She is sixteen, Edward. I finally saw why they did it. She is a child, herself. Could you imagine Elizabeth with a child of her own in eight years time?"

"No way. But we were different."

"Were we , really? Could we have offered everything a baby needed when we were sixteen and seventeen? Really? We were kids."

"But we loved her."

"Love isn't always enough. She needed mature and responsible parents. We didn't exactly display a whole heap of either quality for a few years."

"It would have been different if we kept her."

"I know, but different better or different worse? Elizabeth would have been the one to pay the price if we couldn't handle things."

I know she is right.

We should have waited.

Had we waited to have sex until we were eighteen and nineteen, this would never have happened. It would not have been an issue if Bella conceived. I had to accept we created the situation Charlie and Carlisle felt forced to try and fix. We had not demonstrated maturity and responsibility. I should have insisted Bella be on the Pill before I ever entered her body. That would have been responsible. I should never have risked her future like that.

Love is not impatient. We could have waited.

I just hope in years to come, our own children make better decisions than we did.

I feel happy and content but we went through so much unnecessary pain and suffering to get to this point. Look at Alice and Jasper, and Emmett and Rose. They behaved safely and they were rewarded for their choices.

We shouldn't have been surprised we had to pay for our mistakes. That's just how life is.

Carlie started to stir and I lifted her and handed her to Bella so she could feed her.

Everyone I love the most is on this bed.

Our greatest pain started in a hospital bed and now our greatest joy starts on a chaise lounge.

The End


	11. Chapter 11

Black

Epilogue

It's a Beautiful Day

BPOV

I rushed inside and checked the table again. I hope Elizabeth will find everything perfect, turning 13 is a big deal and it's hard to know what to serve at a party for a girl turning from child to young adult. Pizza's, hot dogs,various types of salad for the girls who insist they don't eat meat or it's by products, cake, ice cream, cookies, Coke, water.

Her five year old sister is standing by the table looking far too innocent.

"Carlie, what have you been up to?" I ask.

Giggling is heard from underneath the table so I lift the side of the cloth and look to see who is up to mischief. Rosalie's daughter, Natalie, is the image of her mother, thank God. Their three year old son Nick is the image of Emmett and I don't think a day passes that Rose doen't thank God for letting it happen that way and not the other. Her new baby, Emily, is bawling loudly and I hope she doesn't wake the twins. That's all I need, two grumpy toddlers to prevent me supervising all these kids.

Alice and Jasper's three boys are waiting at the back door.

"Auntie Bella, Todd let the chickens out" says Jason.

"Edward!" I yell for reinforcements.

Jasper walks in instead and I send him chicken herding.

Charlie Brown is barking up a storm and I have to get this fixed. Elizabeth and her friends will be back from the cinema any minute and she begged the whole family to please act 'normal' for one day.

Next year I think the rest of us will go out for the day and let her and her friends have the place to themselves with just a chaperon. Maybe Jasper. Never Emmett. He already thinks its his sacred duty to tell our daughter and her friends how to play spin the bottle and 7 minutes in Heaven. I have to watch him closer than the kids.

Jasper reports his mission has been accomplished and he has put the dog in it's kennel.

Now if we could just kennel these children whose guilty faces look somewhat sticky.

"I think the candy bags have been found and robbed." I tell Jasper.

"Elizabeth would think it very uncool if you give her friends take home bags of candy anyway. They are way too grown up for that."

Probably, let's hope so.

I shoo the kids outside and send Emmett out with a football. The one place he excels is in organizing sports.

Alice is curled up on the chaise with her brand, new long awaited, much wanted daughter and she still can't tear her eyes off the little pink face.

Alison/Jasmine, name still undecided, is so tiny, she weighed barely six pounds and looks just like her mother. We all sighed with relief when Jaz rang and announced Alice had her fondest wish granted.

We have been through the same thing ourselves. When the twins proved to be girls, I was afraid Edward would be disappointed but he seemed ecstatic and laughed about how many more I had to push out to get to the fifty girls he would be happy to father.

He had chosen their names, and I suspect Carlisle had tipped him off that they were female because he never expressed any hope of his boys showing up that pregnancy.

This one, this time, I know he is desperate for it to be a son.

I feel quite smug knowing what he doesn't. He has hit the jackpot with a second set of twins and they are boys, both of them. I cried my eyes out when Carlisle told me and I made him swear not to tell a soul. Edward always says he doesn't want to know, so, guess what, I am not telling him.

I am thrilled for Edward, and myself and secretly glad this will be the last pregnancy I have to endure. I love being pregnant but twins? Twice as much worry, twice as many kicks, I swear these boys are getting their fighting skills honed in before delivery.

I slump down on a chair and Edward is suddenly beside me,

"Bella, you have three weeks before that elephant sized baby is born, you have to rest. Mom is here now, come and lie down and let her take over."

I feel mean sometimes not telling him this enormous bump houses two babies, I sometimes catch him looking at it and can see he is picturing one very large infant and he is always joking I will never get anything that big out of that tiny place.

I hope I don't have to. Carlisle is thinking a c section may be the way to go because the bottom twin is breech and it could be too dangerous to deliver naturally.

Esme and Renee are both coming to stay and help, though I often wonder how much help Renee will be. Her boys have changed her a lot, she is a much better mother this time around but she won't stay the four weeks she has promised. Charlie and Sue are living here now he is retired so I know I will get more help from them and Leah adores the girls so I can even see her being more of an asset than my own mother.

She almost slipped up once, saying something about the twins then hastily backtracking, Edward said later she was losing it, mixing up this pregnancy with the twin one.

I just smiled.

x x x x x x

Finally they are all gone and Edward is sitting beside me, as I try to calm him down. He caught a boy giving Elizabeth a peck on the lips and suddenly Papa Lion is on the alert, convinced she will be pregnant by fourteen.

"Calm down!" I order loudly. "It was a kiss, and a very chaste kiss at that. And he did it in front of you. If he was 'trying it on' he would have done it behind the shed or something, snuck into her bedroom."

Edward blanches at the thought of a boy sneaking in to Elizabeth's room.

"God, why did we have girls? How am I going to keep them safe from all these boys? You know boys are only after one thing."

"I know you were" I joke and he grins.

"Wrong. I wanted it all, right from the very start. I wanted you forever, all of you."

He hugs me close and traces figure eights on my belly, making the baby nearest his fingers kick him away. Oh, first father/son conflict!

Esme comes to the door to see I am okay and brings me a cup of herbal tea. She and Carlisle are staying until the delivery then he is going back without her until she is sure I can cope. We can cope, I should say, Edward will be doing just as much as I do, he always has. He adores newborns and it never bothers him how long they cry, he just sits in the chair and rocks them. Or lays them on a pillow on the floor and plays his piano.

Our identical green eyed, copper top daughters are asleep within minutes when he plays. Charlise settles immediately, Edina likes to fight sleep for a few minutes but she loses the battle quickly. He has made it a ritual. he bathes them, dresses them for bed then as soon as they are safely in their cribs, he sits at the piano and plays until they are asleep. Trouble is, I end up asleep to and leave the kitchen clean up to him as a result but he never complains.

Edward has always been in this for the long haul. From the moment we knew Carlie was on the way, he was devoted and committed to her and her siblings for life. He has made an amazing father and as a husband, he could not be more perfect.

I love him and have no regrets about leaving Jake and choosing Edward. There never was a choice, really, it was always him.

Bathroom calls again and I struggle to my feet. I know I will sleep like a log tonight.

Edward crawls into bed and spoons me as always. I can feel he is hard and needy but I know he won't ask. He never pressures me when I am pregnant, it's more me demanding he makes love to me. I want him to tonight, I have a feeling this pair will soon be here, I feel like they are nearly ready.

I reach back and encourage him.

"Bella, we don't have to do this. You must be exhausted."

He kisses my neck and shoulders and whispers in my ear how much he loves me.

"Please, Edward." I beg, unashamed.

"The things you force me to do" he says with a mock sigh as he pushes inside me gently.

I love feeling him inside me. All the stresses, the kids, the noise, the work, the hassles, it all goes away when we are just us, just Bella and Edward.

We both finish quickly, no all night sessions these days but I am looking forward to getting them back.

Edward kisses me tenderly and I drift away to the sound of his voice as he sings quietly just for me. He wrote me a song, and it fills my heart whenever he sings it. Its all about our love and how we got lost and then found ourselves but I don't agree it was me doing all the saving, where would I be without him? In a virtually platonic marriage with Jake?

Never knowing the passion and connection Edward and I share again? That was my biggest fear, that if he had died that day, I know I would have died too.I may have lived and breathed and walked and spoken but I would have been dead inside.

He gave me life as much as we gave life to these children.

Morning already, dawn breaks and so does the lower amniotic sac.

"Edward?"

"Yes, love?". He nuzzles my neck.

"Hospital. Now."

He springs up and grabs my bag, then runs to the door.

"Edward, clothes!" I remind him, before he runs out naked and scares the chickens.

He pulls on yesterdays jeans and has a tshirt half over his head as he yells for Esme.

"Shh, son. You have been through this enough times to know what to do. Now, Edward, breathe." she orders as she helps me from the wet bed and into the shower.

Carlisle offers to drive so Edward can sit in the back with me.

The trip to the hospital is short but agonizing. Every bump in the road hurts and jolts me inside.

Finally, we arrive, and my men help me inside. A quick examination and the doctor announces twin one has turned and is head down and engaged.

"No, this is not the twin pregnancy" says Edward."That was last time."

"Well, you hit the motherload again, Edward."

He monitors the two heartbeats and Edward is confused and stressed and tearing at his poor hair.

"Twins? Again? Are they girls? How many girls can I keep the boys away from? I have nobody to help me." he mumbles as he comes to terms in his own way.

"Bella, are they girls?" he turns and asks.

"We will soon find out" I promise.

"God, I know they are girls. I only have one name chosen. What are we calling the second one?" he says like that is the only problem.

"Let's see what they look like first." I suggest as a massive wave hits and I bear down. Carlisle is assisting and watching things very closely. He has never liked doing natural deliveries after a c section. It seems to be his biggest fear that something will go wrong as a result of the scar weakening the uterine wall.

I can't take on his worry as well. I have to concentrate and get this over, he and his son have to manage their own fears.

"Head is out, mop of black hair" he announces.

"Shit, black hair. I hope she doesn't look like Emmett" says Edward in alarm.

"And pant. Okay, another push. Well done, Bella."

Th baby is out and crying and Edward is smiling and clasping my hand.

The nurse quickly cleans the baby and hands it to Edward, wrapped up tightly in a yellow blanket. She winks at me.

"What's this one's name?" she asks him.

"I thought we should finally go with Annabelle. It kind of grew on me over the years."

"Uh uh, no way. This baby is not an Annabelle." I declare. "Open the blanket, Edward."

He does so and the biggest smile spreads across his face.

"It's a boy!" he whispers.

"I know" I laugh.

He looks truly thrilled and he wraps the baby up and hands him back to the nurse as a contraction reminds us we are not done yet. Suddenly he frowns.

"Bella, if this one is a girl, he will grow up in a houseful of females."

"And why would that be a bad thing, son?" asks Carlisle, signaling me to pant as the head emerges.

"I dunno, I guess it wouldn't. But Lizzie is not dressing him in girl's clothes and calling him a girl's name."

He rarely calls her Lizzie.

"I promise I will never allow that" I say with a grin that turns into a grimace as my ladies part scream at the pain of delivering a set of broad shoulders.

"It's another boy!" says Edward, delightedly, relieved our first son has back up against the girls.

This one has a mop of blond hair but it's already tinged in copper. His green eyes flash as he bellows at being pulled out into the real world.

"You can name the first one. This one is Edward." I inform him. I always wanted a clone of my husband to name after him.

I deliberately named Edan three names, Edan Edward Anthony, because I hoped against hope one day we would have an Edward junior. A little boy we got to raise.

x x x x x x

The girls peer in the cribs.

"He looks like me" says Carlie, of her brother Edward. The firstborn boy is already nicknamed 'NotAnnabelle'. That disturbs Edward greatly. Not the girl's name part, the 'not' part. He explained why and I told him to choose a name for him, then nobody will say this any more.

Edward cannot come up with a name. He has suggested and retracted about six names so far.

I guess he truly expected a girl.

"Uh uh, you were gross when you were born, all icky." says her older sister.

"She was not, she was beautiful" corrects Edward.

"You girls were all beautiful from the moment we first saw you."

I shall always be sorry Edward and I never got to meet Elizabeth together.

The girls all argue about what his name should be. I rule out Zac Efron Cullen very quickly.

Once they have been taken home by Esme, Edward lies on my bed beside me and I gently lay his namesake on his chest and he grins.

"You don't know how long I have waited for this moment." he says quietly.

I knew. exactly. The moment he saw Ace laying on Jasper's chest the day he was born. I wanted that for Edward, too, even back then when it didn't seem I would be the mother of his son.

I shudder when I think, had Tanya not done that terrible thing...things could be so different for us now. We may have never gotten each other back. I can't imagine Edward ever leaving a child of his.

I lay the unnamed baby on my chest and jump a little as a flash of light hits us and Alice is at the door, camera in hand.

"I have a photo of Jasper with Ace, just like that" she says obliviously.

We know. We have gazed at it longingly so many times over the years.

I hand place the second baby on Edward's chest and stand so she can get the photo of just Edward and sons.

I know this photo will be on our wall and in our bedroom as well.

I use the bathroom and sit back in bed, when I come back and Alice is holding Edward junior and Edward is holding his other son.

"Mathew. It means gift from God. What do you think? Too old fashioned?"

"Perfect" I smile. I like the two names together. Edward and Mathew.

I hope they will grow up to be as close as my Edward and Emmett.

x x x x x x x x

"So, that's it, we are done?" I ask as Bella sinks gratefully into our bed two days later.

"Oh yeah, we are done." she replies with conviction.

"I could argue you got twice as many girls as I got boys." I say jokingly. I always wanted two boys, I seriously have no desire now to have any further children. Thank God I have some back up when the boys come sniffing around my girls. I seriously consider putting in a electric fence. That would keep them out.

Would that have kept me from Bella?

Nah. I don't think so.

I shall never be able to fully express how much her love and forgiveness mean to me. And her bravery, she took such a chance on me and I will never look or speak to another woman again unless Bella is by my side. I trust myself completely, nothing like that will ever happen again, but I never want her to even think I am being over friendly to any woman, I never want to cause her the slightest pain. I caused her so much in the past.

I hated her being with Jacob, too, mind you. I think I found that harder than if she had followed my bad example and gone with many random men. I knew he meant something to her and the women I was with never meant a thing. Well, that's not true. Despair, anger, hopelessness, desperation.. That's what they meant.

I have given up wishing I could go back and change the past, all I can do is make sure I give her the best future I can.

We have our family, we have our daughters and now our sons. We can be happy and watch them grow, teach them how to make good choices, good decisions, guide them on the best path and just hope they listen.

Elizabeth is growing up and changing, we missed the easy first years and now we are entering the hard years, for me, anyway. The thought of any boy ...

Unless he loves her like I love my Bella. Then I guess I will have to suck it up and accept him.

But he will never be good enough for her.

I know that.

I never was good enough for my girl, but she loves me anyway.

Sometimes kismet happens.


End file.
